I've delayed this posting coz I've lost interest in the subject. Here, trying to revive it. It's gonna be a long one...
For those who don't know me, I'm not the first MrsNordin. I'm the second one. The first MrsNordin died due to heart complications in April 2001. I met MrNordin in May 2001.
I've never met the first MrsNordin, but I've seen her photos. She was a pretty lady. I remember the first time MrN showed me her photograph, which he kept in his wallet. The first word that came out of my mouth was, "Is she related to Z*ti A*htar?" That's how she looked like.
Mr & MrsNordin No. 1 dated since their London college days. That was a good 17 years of being together before her untimely death. She was 38. They had three beautiful children ~ 2 girls and 1 boy. When she passed away, the eldest was 12 and the youngest was only 7. I asked MrN how they met? He said, he saw her at this party; she was wearing a green jumper. The moment he saw her, he said he knew, she was The One (ek, eleh....) .
Although I've never met MrsNordin No. 1, somehow I feel that we have quite a lot in common. For example, clothings. I have several blouses which are the same as what she had in her wardrobe; several pairs of baju kurung which I'm sure I'd pick up if I had seen them on display; and several pairs of shoes which I'd bought if I'd come across them.
I like animal prints and black & white; she had lots of those. I like polka dots, she had them too. Books - we now have two copies of the SAME book in our library (not one, but a few titles). She kept several journals; I have the same. We went to the same hair stylist and had our clothes made at the same tailor in Wisma Lim Foo Yong. How do you explain that? I was shocked when I first found out about it.
She tak rajin masak; I pun tak rajin masak juga.. Hee... heee.... :)
But there are differences, of course, and these I gathered from MrN, the kids or relatives who told me stories about her. Personality wise, we are different:
1) She had a very strong leadership character & highly temperamental. Me? I'm not like that at all.
2) If she didn't like something, she'd make sure the other person knew about it. I don't; I'd keep quiet.
3) She won't allow MrN to go alone for whatever business/function coz her policy was, "If I don't go, you don't go!" I - tak kisah, as long as you don't go overboard (I think that's why MrN jolly sakan sekarang sebab I allow him to go out with his friends - alone!).
4) She doesn't eat at gerai or pegi pasar malam. I like!!!
I was a bit apprehensive at first about marrying MrN. You know... he had a previous life, a previous wife. I wasn't sure if the late wife was ok with me marrying her husband and take over her place, you know what I mean? I was afraid if I've made the wrong decision, or the marriage would be a disaster... those sort of things.
Until one night, I dreamt of her. We were in JB at that time, on holiday with the kids, tapi belum kawin lagi. Another month or so to go. I dreamt I was attending a wedding at my late grandparents' house. She was there, receiving guests who arrived for the wedding with MrN standing just behind her. She was wearing this purple baju kebaya made of kain songket, and was looking very young & cheerful. I distinctively remembered her face because the dream was very real. I went up to her and shook her hands. I said, "Wah... you're looking very cheerful!" She replied, "Ya ke?" and continued to smile. I just watched her, and the dream ended.
Several nights later, I dreamt of her again. This time, we were at a shopping complex. She was wearing this mustard-colored two piece suit with a big handbag in hand. She looked her age. In my dream, we were going up the escalator when I asked her, "You know when I met you the last time, somehow I felt you were not happy. Is that right?" She sighed, turned to me and said, "You know, it's not easy being here. I wish you all would offer more prayers and doa for me here." Wow... that was scary!! I woke up sweating and it was 3 o'clock in the morning! I quickly told MrN about it and he did a small doa selamat for her at the masjid.
The final dream I had, which made it clear what she was trying to tell me, happened a week after the second dream. In that dream, she was wearing white. She was talking to me, over my head as I was lying down in bed. I can't remember exactly what she said, but it was something about asking me to take care of her kids, for her. I woke up from the dream just as the azan subuh berkumandang di luar sana....
After all these dreams, I figured she must be consenting to my marrying her husband. That's when I said, "Yes, let's do it!"
Meeting MrNordin was fated, but becoming his wife was my choice. It was not an easy one, though. I was single, he was a widower. The children, the families, the new responsibilities... these were all big issues that I had to deal with before I could settle down with him.
But the most difficult one was memories of his late wife. She was everywhere! In the bedroom, in the hallway, in the study room, on the dressing table... I felt like a complete stranger living in that house. Everyone talked about her as if she was still alive. Kids would go, "Remember tak dulu, Mama used to this, and that etc, etc". My parents in law would go, "Din, engkau ingat tak arwah daa di daa... daa di daa..." . To the extent that sometimes, they even called me by her name!
It took me a while (and a lot of patience) to get used to all that. But MrN said I did very ok. One thing good, he was very understanding and always had a way to explain things during tricky situations. Although other people would talk about the first MrsNordin in front of me as if I did not exist, MrN never did. And that really helped. The kids? The younger ones used to do that in the beginning, but after a while, they just mentioned her as part of their previous lives. They are good kids, I'm telling you, and I'm lucky.
But I knew that sometimes they needed to reminisce about the good old times; so I let MrN go with the kids, just the four of them. I think they deserve it. It would be unfair for me to expect them not to discuss about her in the open, so after a while, we all talked about her as if she's just another person in our lives. We know she's around and listening... so, it's no longer an issue.
They say "Don't marry a man whose wife has passed away because he'll never love you as much as he'd loved his first wife". Maybe that's true, but I don't expect him to love me that way, anyway. I know he loves each one of us in a different way. Perhaps not as much as before, but enough to make me stay in this marriage.