Polygamy - does it work?

I've not been writing for over a week. Reason being ~ I didn't know what to write. These past few weeks have been really taxing on us. Funerals, tahlils, work, children... Everything seemed to be coming on to us at the same time. And it's exhausting, really.

Everyday I wake up wishing that the day would end quickly. And that I would have an extra hour in the evening to play with Nizzar. Unfortunately, by the time I arrived home, I'll be so tired. But I forced myself to stay awake and amuse him for a while. If I couldn't do it for a whole day, the least I could do is spare him an hour of quality time everyday. That would make me feel good about myself.

My husband has been bogged down with work. I don't want to write much on that. Nabila is studying for her exams, which will start next week. Nadira is "doing nothing" at home while waiting for her offers to come in. Nadim is being a good school boy. Everything else remains the same at the home front.

Ohh... btw, my neighbour is now the new Home Affairs Minister. That's good news, isn't it? Tighter security in our neighbourhood! MrNordin sent him an SMS the other day congratulating him. He replied with a note of thanks, expressing his gratitude to us for being "so patient" all this while (you know, cars parked haphazardly infront of our house and so forth). Did I tell you he offered to buy over our house before? No thank you, that was my husband's answer. We're not selling.

Anyway, let's move on to something else.

I received quite a lot of comments on my last posting on Aunty A. All have mixed feelings about it. Still on the same subject, let's dwell on it a little bit more, shall we?

This issue on polygamy, is there a formula to make it work?

I have this theory that polygamy can only work if the 2nd marriage has the blessing from the 1st wife. I believe, if the 1st wife is willing (not by force, ok?) and she is well informed of her husband's intention to marry another one way before it actually happen, the second marriage could potentially work. If not, it is doomed. The husband will have difficulty to please both wives, and there's bound to be war, like my FIL.

I believe, if the 1st wife is aware and consented to the 2nd marriage (for whatever reason there is), the subsequent marriages will work out by itself. Take for example that guy in Terengganu who has four wives. We all saw his picture in the newspaper grinning from ear to ear with all his 4 wives, who all seemed very happy sharing this one lucky man. And why is that? I think it's because the other 3 wives have the blessing from the first wife.

My point is this. If the 1st wife agreed that her husband takes on another wife, she herself will make sure that the subsequent marriages will work out. She will control the game. You know how women are, right? If they liked the other woman, they'll treat them nicely. The same with "madus". If the 1st liked the other "madus", she'll treat them nice. The four will be like sisters in the whole matrimony with the 1st wife holding the key to their happiness, the husband included.

So, the 1st wife is the key to a successful polygamy. But men failed to see this fundamental point. The 1st wife is always the last to know.

I have a cousin who is the No. 2 in her marriage. She married her husband when she was very young, 17 years old I think. At that time, her husband was living next door to her mother's house. He was a married man, his wife lived with him, but they didn't have any children. I remember everytime I visited my aunty's house at that time, I always met up with this guy and his wife too. They were just like family. The next thing I knew, he got married to my cousin. We were all shocked, but my cousin and the related parties involved seemed undeterred by it all.

It's been more than 15 years now and my cousin is still married to the guy. She lived next door to the 1st wife and has two boys (twins). The 1st wife worked, but my cousin stays home. She looks after both houses and do the household chores while the 1st one is at work. They attend functions TOGETHER, both she and the 1st wife, along with the husband. My cousin seemed more like a sister to the 1st wife and they all seemed happy.

But there are not many women who are willing to share their husbands like my cousin's madu. I, for one, cannot. Not at this point of time. It takes great pain and sacrifice to allow the man whom you have loved and lived with since you got married to love and live with another woman.

I cringed at the thought of my husband kissing me tonight and yet tomorrow night, he'll be kissing another woman. I don't think I can tolerate that. So the best way for me, if this ever happened, is to go our separate ways. That way, it only hurt for a while, not forever.

But I suppose if you don't have a choice (eg. you don't have a job, anak ramai, have always been dependent on your husbands), then when your husband states his intention to marry another one, perhaps you'll relent. These kind of wives, kata orang, akan "dapat payung emas di syurga nanti". Wallahualam..

So, to all the men out there, if you have the slightest intention to take on a second wife, please be honest about it and tell your wife. At least give her the respect she so deserves for being your wife and mother to your children. Don't shun her away and marry off secretly in Thailand because this is not the conduct of a man with honour. If you tell her and she agreed, you'll be happy forever. If not, I would say, forget it!

And another thing, if you're seriously unhappy with the marriage, please talk to your wife. Tell her about it, not tell another woman. Talking to a third party about your marriage problem is not going to solve the problem, it'll only to make it worse.

Having said all that, is there any man out there who is willing to do as I said?


I doubt it.