Friday, April 17, 2009

Polygamy - does it work?

I've not been writing for over a week. Reason being ~ I didn't know what to write. These past few weeks have been really taxing on us. Funerals, tahlils, work, children... Everything seemed to be coming on to us at the same time. And it's exhausting, really.

Everyday I wake up wishing that the day would end quickly. And that I would have an extra hour in the evening to play with Nizzar. Unfortunately, by the time I arrived home, I'll be so tired. But I forced myself to stay awake and amuse him for a while. If I couldn't do it for a whole day, the least I could do is spare him an hour of quality time everyday. That would make me feel good about myself.

My husband has been bogged down with work. I don't want to write much on that. Nabila is studying for her exams, which will start next week. Nadira is "doing nothing" at home while waiting for her offers to come in. Nadim is being a good school boy. Everything else remains the same at the home front.

Ohh... btw, my neighbour is now the new Home Affairs Minister. That's good news, isn't it? Tighter security in our neighbourhood! MrNordin sent him an SMS the other day congratulating him. He replied with a note of thanks, expressing his gratitude to us for being "so patient" all this while (you know, cars parked haphazardly infront of our house and so forth). Did I tell you he offered to buy over our house before? No thank you, that was my husband's answer. We're not selling.

Anyway, let's move on to something else.

I received quite a lot of comments on my last posting on Aunty A. All have mixed feelings about it. Still on the same subject, let's dwell on it a little bit more, shall we?

This issue on polygamy, is there a formula to make it work?

I have this theory that polygamy can only work if the 2nd marriage has the blessing from the 1st wife. I believe, if the 1st wife is willing (not by force, ok?) and she is well informed of her husband's intention to marry another one way before it actually happen, the second marriage could potentially work. If not, it is doomed. The husband will have difficulty to please both wives, and there's bound to be war, like my FIL.

I believe, if the 1st wife is aware and consented to the 2nd marriage (for whatever reason there is), the subsequent marriages will work out by itself. Take for example that guy in Terengganu who has four wives. We all saw his picture in the newspaper grinning from ear to ear with all his 4 wives, who all seemed very happy sharing this one lucky man. And why is that? I think it's because the other 3 wives have the blessing from the first wife.

My point is this. If the 1st wife agreed that her husband takes on another wife, she herself will make sure that the subsequent marriages will work out. She will control the game. You know how women are, right? If they liked the other woman, they'll treat them nicely. The same with "madus". If the 1st liked the other "madus", she'll treat them nice. The four will be like sisters in the whole matrimony with the 1st wife holding the key to their happiness, the husband included.

So, the 1st wife is the key to a successful polygamy. But men failed to see this fundamental point. The 1st wife is always the last to know.

I have a cousin who is the No. 2 in her marriage. She married her husband when she was very young, 17 years old I think. At that time, her husband was living next door to her mother's house. He was a married man, his wife lived with him, but they didn't have any children. I remember everytime I visited my aunty's house at that time, I always met up with this guy and his wife too. They were just like family. The next thing I knew, he got married to my cousin. We were all shocked, but my cousin and the related parties involved seemed undeterred by it all.

It's been more than 15 years now and my cousin is still married to the guy. She lived next door to the 1st wife and has two boys (twins). The 1st wife worked, but my cousin stays home. She looks after both houses and do the household chores while the 1st one is at work. They attend functions TOGETHER, both she and the 1st wife, along with the husband. My cousin seemed more like a sister to the 1st wife and they all seemed happy.

But there are not many women who are willing to share their husbands like my cousin's madu. I, for one, cannot. Not at this point of time. It takes great pain and sacrifice to allow the man whom you have loved and lived with since you got married to love and live with another woman.

I cringed at the thought of my husband kissing me tonight and yet tomorrow night, he'll be kissing another woman. I don't think I can tolerate that. So the best way for me, if this ever happened, is to go our separate ways. That way, it only hurt for a while, not forever.

But I suppose if you don't have a choice (eg. you don't have a job, anak ramai, have always been dependent on your husbands), then when your husband states his intention to marry another one, perhaps you'll relent. These kind of wives, kata orang, akan "dapat payung emas di syurga nanti". Wallahualam..

So, to all the men out there, if you have the slightest intention to take on a second wife, please be honest about it and tell your wife. At least give her the respect she so deserves for being your wife and mother to your children. Don't shun her away and marry off secretly in Thailand because this is not the conduct of a man with honour. If you tell her and she agreed, you'll be happy forever. If not, I would say, forget it!

And another thing, if you're seriously unhappy with the marriage, please talk to your wife. Tell her about it, not tell another woman. Talking to a third party about your marriage problem is not going to solve the problem, it'll only to make it worse.

Having said all that, is there any man out there who is willing to do as I said?


I doubt it.

53 comments:

Roti Kacang Merah said...

hear, hear! thoughts very well said, puan!

when i was younger, like, a loo-hottt younger, and single, i used to say that should one day i got married and the husband nak kawin lagi satu, i will relent it coz i lebih tak sanggup kalau dia ada affair belakang i.

now that i am a loo-hott older and married, i'm not so sure about that statement of mine anymore. like you said, it'll hurt forever, so better take the hurt-now-but-not-later way.

Allahu a'lam!

Siti Idros said...

Dear MrsNordin,

My aunt found out her husband was having an affair more than a decade ago and now she has a madu.

Even after all these years, she's still hurting. And if triggered, she can recall all the unpleasantness of that dark episode in her life. She went through depression and with four kids to look after, she was physically and emotionally drained.

I once asked her if the 'good-for-nothing' told her about the 'home-wrecker' (these are her names for the individuals)prior to her finding out would she has consented. Suprisingly she said 'I don't know'. She explained that it was not the fact that he fell in love with another that hurts the most. It was the lying, the sneaking about and all the ugliness that lead her to discover the affair. That day shook her world. It was the fasting month and she came home from work during lunch time to pick up something she has forgotten.

I agree with you MrsNordin. Somehow I think that had the husband told her about his unhappiness or his wanting to marry another dengan cara baik, maybe things could have been different.

As for me, I once had a dream so vivid, I woke up believing it was real. I dreamt my husband had another woman and that we were divorcing. And I wept in my sleep. When I woke up abruptly, my face was still damn with tears. I was still affecting by the dream throughout that day.

Warm regards always
Siti

the principal said...

I pernah satu bot dgn Ustaz Ashaari (Al-Arqam) & his wife on our way back from Langkawi. Then a young woman came to the wife & sembang. Macam adik ngan kakak. Then someone told me they all bermadu. Whatever they said about this group...I respect sangat kat the wives after witnessing this.

somuffins said...

Salam. I heard this on tv, and so the cute ustaz said "kehidupan lelaki berpoligami macam itik dalam air, nampak tenang tapi berkocak" .. (fokus camana kaki itik dalam air, haha 'meriah').

busymum100 said...

MrsN,

I read your blog last night, but I thought I should sleep over it first before I comment! Hahaha!!

In short, a polygamy may be able to work IF the choice of the 2nd wife is agreeable with the first (assuming the first wife has consented). Tapi masaalah ialah the calon yg first wife nk bagi biasanya the husband tak nak. Dia nk choice dia juga! And most of the time his choice tu bertentangan dgn wife no.1 punya choice! it will definitely get worse if the 2nd wife tu pulak wants the husband to herself je (ada kes macam ni!!). I know your late Aunt A was not like this, that;s why your MIL is still your FIL's wife.

Finally, macam ni lah... every time we got married, did we expect our husbands to be going for another woman? Kalau ada pun (i dulu pun awal2 kawin tka kisah kalau dia nk kawin lagi satu), as we grow older, and share our hardship, happiness, earnings, etc... DO WE WANT TO SHARE HIM WITH SOMEONE ELSE? i don't think so...

DeeDee said...

Saya setuju 150%. It will work if isteri pertama said "ye silakan bang". Usually man zaman sekarang will want to take another wife kalau they are childless or every day balik rumah the wife's hair looks like sharifah aini je...hehe kidding.
The prophet kawin balu-balu and those unfortunate one, yang nasib tidak berbela. But now, how often do you see man marrying ibu tunggal ? Semua nak hot-hot saja kan. True busymom, dah besusah payah lepas kawin makan magie nak ambik loan rumah, loan kereta, shopping raya dari sorang sepasang je sampai dah sorang 6 pasang, tiba-tiba bila dah senang dan boleh benapaih sikit, nak ajak share share pulak. Ewah banyak cantik... hehe. Tapi masuk syurga kan? yeah if you are sinless and siap boleh hugs and tickle2 with ur madu...

DeeDee

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Salam MrsN,

Tak keje and ramai anak..haha, macam i je..

Anyway, madam..i agree with you. I do remind my hubby, if he plans to marry another one, please let me be the first to know. I also told him that if he has a girl whom he fancies, don't take too long to decide to take her hand in marriage. Honestly, deep in me, I know it is gonna hurt me as I ni kuat jeles, but I guess better than left in the dark about this..kita org pompuan pun ada pride, betul tak?

Tapi bila mengenangkan dia ada org lain tu yg sedih tu...boleh ke dia jadi adil, I sorang dia tak terlayan...hahha

Bila I propose this to him, selalunya dia akan jawab, "ok boleh..", but then he paused and later replied, "hish, tak mau la nanti dapat yang macam u pulak..habis botak kepala i.."..hahha. Teruk sgt ke i ni?

... ... ... ... ... ... nik elin said...

Assalamualaikum Mrs Nordin,
When my father took a second wife in 1985, our whole family crumbled to pieces. The feeling of betrayal stays on forever. My father died in 1996, and I felt relieved, relieved that my mother need not bermadu anymore. I was SO VERY VERY HAPPY that my father died.... SO VERY VERY HAPPY... all the good things that he did for all of us, just dissipated in thin air.
We often talk about the feelings of the 1st wives, but does anyone really bother about the feelings of the children of a polygamous husband/father?
I am a divorcee now having had 2 failed marriages, (none contributed by the polygamy or infidelity factor) and I swore that if I ever ever get married again, (which is hardly likely) it would never never be to someone elses husband.

Superwomanwannabe said...

woooo topik hangat ni J!

Quite a few women don't mind sharing...especially if the husband is demanding and is a pain!

As it is I dont think I can accept sharing....as I am allready sharing what little time he has...but then who knows when the time comes..I'll think differently.

tapi if lah dah jadik madu...macam makmertua you...it is not worth it hanging on to such bitterness for so long...your life is soo short.Kata I, but on the other hand how can you forget such hurt?

tak taulah....apa apa pun doakan lah kebahagiaan sepanjang hayat and kekuatan mental fizikal dan rohaniah untuk menghadapi whatever cobaan ahead.

tireless mom said...

Dear MrsN

Very tricky subject. I believe manusia di cipta lain lain. Ada yang can stand bermadu and ada yang can't stand it. So ask your self. If you can stand it, why not alhamdulillah merasa payung syurga although dalam hati tu, I am sure very tough to get the golden umbrella ek. If one can't, just call it defeat, adalah another equivalent to payung syurga kat mana mana. Jangan dalam pada mengejar payung syurga tu, contra pulak with dosa mengumpat, kecik hati, sakit hati.... Have to pasrah, yes, that is the magical word.

MA and Brood said...

You wrote it beautifully.If I had written about this issue, sure la with venom spewing and dripping..:P


I for one consider myself a one-man woman and would EXPECT my man to be a one-woman man juga. Tak kira samada affair or legal marriage.


Kalau dah gatal nak dipping his pen into many inkholes, kirim salam sajalah. I geli nak share. Ntah apa kuman yang akan dikutipnya and infect us. Hehe...



Emotional betrayal is something that stays inside forever. I think that was what your MIL had to live with and frankly, I don't blame her for feeling that way for a long time.


:P

mummy-mia said...

A topic of discussion that I usually avoid... but cant resist now. I married a divorcee who later went back to his janda (without my knowledge... I found out when I was tidying his desk in the study). So, what does that make me? The first or second wife? But everyone in his family refers to me as the second wife...

Everything was ok until he brought his kids from the other marriage to live with us... He just changed... tangan jadi ringan... mulut jadi laser... in front of them, especially in front of them. Finally, I ran out of patience... and filed for takliq... now still turun naik court...

If u ask me, the key to a successful polygamy arrangement is the husband... in my experience anyway...

Hope said...

No it doesn't. No matter how you look at it. My mom lost her mind over it and the hurt carries on to mess up the whole family. It is not worth it. I hope the husbands will think of his family, especially his daughter(s) -what goes around really comes around..

Nek Rock said...

Yooo mrs nordin dear salam,

Your entry reminded Nek of my past, merasa bermadu for few years.

Nek backed off after 4 years, giving him the chance to build up his new life with a new family:)

Until today Nek masih berbaik with him and also his wife.

Nek took things positively, whatever bad memories in the past its a lesson learnt and whatever good memories remain in Nek's hard drive.

Busybody said...

Mrs N,

Best topic ni, but I pray to god we will never ever have to face this..

My hubby has a colleague, splinter of geng Arqam tu lah. Almost retiring age dah. He has 2 wives, first is a housewife, not bad looking, has like 7 children, second is around our age kot, has a Masters (workinglah) and 2 kids. They all live in the same house!! The second wife is not better looking, only younger lah. But they all wear tudung labuh.

Bila ada office function he sometimes brings both wives and they seem like 1 big happy family. First wife is more friendly than the 2nd. To me it's funny seeing someone dokong anak yg can pass of as his cucu. Sometimes I joked with the guy to not be too close with my hubby! But I know his colleagues make fun of him behind his back (Malay, Chinese, Indian alike). Tak taulah kot jealous.

Another family I know, the husband took a 2nd wife so has 2 sets of family but tak kisah about the first wife for many years, until he suffered a stroke. And guess who nursed him back to health, took unpaid leave? The first wife...And he cried so much when the first wife passed away recently.

Well, I'm like neither of these 2 incredible woman, that is for sure!

MrsNordin said...

RKM,

I terbalik pulak. When I was younger, I always thought that bila i kawin and husband I nak kawin lagi sorang, I memang akan suruh dia lepaskan I. But now, that thought has somewhat softened.

But still, I don't think I can share. Even if kena share, it'll very much depend on who's the lady in question. Kalau umur 21 tahun and "gedik", memang I'll tell my husband to go fly kite!

MrsNordin said...

Hi Siti,

We all preach about honesty in relationships, about telling the truth, but do we all do it?

Being lied to is one thing which we cannot tolerate, under any circumstances. What more if it's our husband. It'll haunt us for the rest of our lives coz it's so hard to forget.

Thanks for sharing your story.

MrsNordin said...

Principal,

That's what I meant when I said the first wive must like her madus. If she's ok with it, the no. 2, 3 or 4 will get on well with each other.

MrsNordin said...

Somuffins,

There's also another saying, "Hidup berbini dua ni macam sambal belacan. Pedas, tapi sedaaapppp!!" And you can guess lah who said it, kan? Must be a man!

MrsNordin said...

Busymum,

Iya, usually the husband's 2nd choice is not to the liking of the first one. Takkan lah husband nak cari yang lebih tua or buruk dari the first wife, kan (which I'm sure the first wife would very much welcome!). That's when the problem starts.

A friend told me this. "I told my husband, kalau you rasa muka I dah tak cantik, badan I dah tak sexy after 15 years of being married to you, you bagi I duit. Suruh I pegi buat slimming & makeover. Tapi kalau lepas tu I masih jugak gemuk gedempul and tak lawa, then you have a reason to cari no. 2."

Fair request, isn't it?

MrsNordin said...

DeeDee,

Husband I pun cakap macam tu, "Kalau hari2 suami balik kerja, tengok wife asyik pakai baju kelawar bau bawang, macamana dia tak cari yang lain?" Hee.. hee... so, jangan pakai baju bau bawang, ok??

It's quite sad kan, when we hear stories of women being dumped after 10-15 years of marriage. Masa susah dulu, wife ni lah yang stood by him and sacrificed for him. Bila dah senang, dia nak cari orang lain pulak. Senang2 orang No. 2 tu nak enjoy the fruits of our tireless labour. That is so unfair!

MrsNordin said...

Ida,

You have worked before, so you don't count in that definition!

I suppose, that's what all wives tell their husbands, "Kalau you ada jumpa orang lain, you let me know. Be honest about it!" Typically, the husband will nod and promise to tell.

But when it actually happens, he'll keep numb and lie his way out so he need not tell you and you won't find out. And why is that? "Because I'm afraid you'll get hurt...", he says.

Little did he know that lying is an even bigger offense and will hurt even deeper than telling the truth. Oh man!

MrsNordin said...

Nik Elin,

In any divorce proceedings, children are always the victim. And it's very sad.

I know quite a number of my children's friends who are delinquants in school. And most often than not, these children are from a broken family. Parents divorcing, parents tak kisah because they are so caught up in their own heartache. I feel sorry for them coz they are so innocent.

Btw, I've been reading your blog (through Busymum) before you took it private. I like your stories. And like you, married men are a No, No for me too!

Thanks for dropping by.

MrsNordin said...

SW,

I think we'll only know the answer when the time comes. As for now, don't let this issue bother us and just pray for our kebahagiaan rumahtangga...

MrsNordin said...

Yatt,

Kalau kita izinkan tapi dok mengumpat yang No. 2 tu, tak de nya payung syurga... Don't hope lah!

MrsNordin said...

MA,

I wrote it with a balanced view because I've never experienced it myself. If I had, perhaps it'll be painful to the eyes and ears, too!

"Dipping his pen in many inkholes".. Ha! Ha! I like that phrase! Not for me too!

MrsNordin said...

Hi Mummy Mia,

Thanks for dropping by. I've read your blog and all I can say is, sorry for what you're going through.

I don't really know your story but I gather, not only you, but your kids are feeling the pain too. Just be strong, I'm sure you'll get through this trying times.

If he's good for nothing, then you're better rid of him for your own happiness. Good luck !

MrsNordin said...

Hope,

I guess your mum and MIL feel the same way about this and that's why it hurt for so long. True indeed, what goes around comes around.. just hope we don't have to go through this.

Kesian kita orang perempuan ni, kan??

MrsNordin said...

Nek,

You are one cool person. But I think you did the right thing. If you cannot tahan bermadu, get out of it.

And maintaining the friendship with your ex and 2nd wife, eventho' you've been hurt so bad, is a good thing coz it provides your children a sense of comfort in knowing that their parents are not like anjing & kucing. You'll be blessed, and it shows now because you are happy with your new life.

Thumbs up for positive attitude !

MrsNordin said...

Busybody,

Selalunya, orang lelaki yang kawin dua ni, cuma nak masa suka2 je. Bila dah sakit esok, dia nak balik kat bini tua dia.

Of course lah... you've shared your life with No. 1 for many years... through thick and thin. Mana nak compare with the new one. The new one may be "exciting", but the old one will always be the one that you'll cherish for the rest of your life.

That's what I think lah..

edelweiss said...

Mrs. Nordin,

My late grand-aunt made arrangement for his hubby's wedding. Frm the engagement ceremony up to the decoration for the bridal room. She thought she could handle it when his hubby expressed his intention to take another wife. But after the solemnization ceremony, she started to feel the emptiness & broken hearted.

Baru dia sedar semua persediaan yang dilakukan untuk majlis itu termasuklah kebenaran bagi suaminya berkahwin lain hanyalah satu ALASAN atau cara untuk menunjukkan dia adalah seorang isteri yang baik. Suaminya mungkin akan terfikir bahawa mulia hati si isteri.. tak patut aku buat mcm nih...

tapi lelaki tetap lelaki lah kan...dah bini bagi consent dia teruskan lah...She was broken hearted! She was a nice lady..the favourite aunt, grand-aunt.

Semoga Allah cucuri rahmat ke atas rohnya...Insyallah Payung Emas untuknya di syurga.

As for me, i cant picture myself sharing my hubby with other woman..
tapi kalau dah takdir...we should live a separate life......!

Desert Rose said...

Mrs N,

Well...topic panas ni heh he.

I think

1. I would rather have a separate life if it happened to me, simply because I love my hubby too much and I know as a human being and manusia biasa he wouldnt be able to be fair kan. Even kalau tersentuh sikit saja pun perasaan isteri2, tak ciumlah suami tu bau syurga pun. And a man would be the last one yg akan masuk syurga selepas isteri dan anak2.

2. Dah terbukti tak ramai lelaki soleh yg layak berpoligami, buktinya, anak2 yang akan jadi mangsa. My hubby came from a broken family, my MIL left when my late FIL intended to remarry. Until now, my FIL dah gone pun, still my hubby;s siblings susah nak terima 2 their step mom and her kids. Kan dah teraniaya. Altogh cerita lama , they still tainted with the bitter memories, and we cant blame them although I alwys remind my hubby to forgive and forget.But it seemed that the wound is so deep, it still hurts.

3. It all depends on the hubby jugak. Kalau hubby tu lelaki yg soleh, dan bertanggungjawab serta seorang khalifah yg sebenar-benarnya, berkahwin bukan kerana nafsu, maka dia boleh mendidik isterinya.Tapi berapa ramai yg boleh???

4. I still feel that woman should avoid a married man. Man mg dah fitrah nye begitu, mesti tak tolak punya peluang kan. But if the org ketiga tu, berpikiranm lebih waras, lebih sensitive and concious, sepatutnya cuba elakkan daripada meruntuhkan rumah tangga org la kan. Insyallah Allah akan bagi jodoh yg lebih baik kalau ada niat untuk tak mahu rosakkan rmh tangga org. Tambahna pulak yg ada anak. Have some pity.


5. I pun mcm u, I couldnt imagine apa yg my hubby buat kat I , he would do to another woman , even if he said I love u, he definately said it to her as well kan. Tak boleh la saya.....

MrsNordin said...

Edelweiss,

Lelaki, kalau you dah bagi consent, dia tak akan return the privilege given. I think your grandma was living in denial at that time. And yes, I'm sure she'll get her fair share in the after life for doing what she did. Al Fatihah.

MrsNordin said...

Desert Rose,

Sekali sekala buat open discussion pasal ni, best jugak. It's an eye opener.

I also believe, tak ramai lelaki yang layak berpoligami in the true sense. They may think they can do it, but can they really?

Whenever I talk about this issue with my husband, he'd ask me, "What about hukum agama?" Oh yeah, bila nak kawin lain pakai hukum agama, bila bab2 lain, tak ingat hukum?

I know Muslim men are allowed to marry more than one, but I think that's just an excuse to satisfy their lust. Not for anything else.

Bak kata one of the commentators, kalau betul nak menolong, kenapa tak nak kawin dengan ibu2 tunggal yang hidup melarat tu? Please lah, nak menolong my a**!

Kak Ezza@makcik Blogger said...

bermadu..
entah lah...tak kena lagi dan tak tau rasa nya... tapi..

rasa nya kalau terjadi pada usia tua ni..malang sungguh rasa nya..
sebab
masa tua ni kalau boleh nak isi kan masa bersama dia saja..apa apa terjadi biar lah berdua saja...
sebeb
kalau dah bertiga..
sakit pening kita seorang diri saja
dah tentu hubby nak kan orang yang sihat saja...
entah lah....
selalu nya
lelaki mudah lupa...

MrsNordin said...

Akak,

Jangan lah sedih pulak... I don't think your abang will do such a thing. He loves you, lah... kalau tidak, takkan tiap2 minggu sanggup hantar ambik akak pegi MB meeting!!

edelweiss said...

Mrs. N,

Kalau nak kawin denagn ibu tunggal pun...tapi bini yang dok ada nih pun tak sempurna dijaga...salah jugak!

Bukan mudah...lelaki ingat senang ka! Asal bergilir....adil kira dah okay! Salahhhh tuh. Hati, perasaan, nafkah zahir & batin dan mcm -mcm lagi kena pikir. Kalau depa nih pikir betul-2 takder nya depa nak kawin ramai. Sbb tanggungjawab yang digalas sangatlah besar. Tak termampu di tanggung.

Kepada lelaki kat luar sana...fikirlah sedalam-dalamnya.

p/s: desert rose...kalau kanda hang nak buat hal...aku aikido dia...kalau laki aku pulak nak buat crita...hang pelangkung dia..amacam???? hehehehhe kan kita dah janji nak jaga antara kita...

MrsNordin said...

Edelweiss,

That's why my husband cukup hot bila I start bukak cerita macam ni. He said, it's always the men's fault never the women. And all women will concur with me. Nak buat camno? Memang betul pun! Hee.. hee...

Yes, we should look out for each other's husbands. You and Desert Rose do that! (kalau suami kita tahu kita pakat macam ni, mampus!!)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

MrsN,

Sebenarnya, meh sini pompuan mana yg nak jadik parasite tu, meh sini..bior ku tonyoh muko nyo! Gorom ti hati ku...hahahhah.

Then the hubby will think, "wah, terror la i ni..there are women fighting for me!".

Benci la..

wanshana said...

BJ,

Read this posting this morning but didn't get the chance to leave any comments. Malam ni baca balik - dah berderet-deret yang meluahkan pendapat and perasaan! Memang topik panas nih...

I agree with Desert Rose - I don't think I can take it knowing that whatever he says to or does with me, he'll be saying and doing the same thing to another woman...NO.WAY.JOSE!

I'd rather leave and lead a separate life. I'd be lying if I said I won't feel hurt - of course I will. Sure rasa hati ni dirobek-robek...And I bet, I'll cry buckets for months! But, I'll probably get over it in time.

But, whatever it is - Nauzubillah... I pray that we won't go through this!

mummy-mia said...

MrsNordin
Sorry I forgot to introduce myself in my earlier comment. I hopped into your blog from busymum's "What I've been up to". Thanks for your thoughts and I am trying very hard to stay strong and I do hope to come out of this even stronger. Thanks again.

MrsNordin said...

Ida,

So, you're not as cool as I thought you were when it comes to this matter, huh? Meh sini ku tonyoh-tonyoh mukonyo! Ha! Ha! Don't mess with orang Rawa, babe!

I don't think your husband would do anything funny. Even if he did, it's his loss, not yours.

MrsNordin said...

Shana,


Yes, let's all pray we won't have to go through this. I don't think Haizal is a mean person, anyhow... so, take it easy.

MrsNordin said...

Mummy Mia,

Hi again! Only those who are in it would know the pain of going through a divorce. Just hang on there, insyaallah you'll come out a stronger person. Your friends are all here with you.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

Aunty, In my opinion : berkahwin lebih dari satu adalah cara termudah untuk lelaki menempah tempat yang abadi di neraka!!! Kalau baca sejarah, isteri-isteri Nabi sendiri pun berselisih faham. Inikan pula isteri-isteri manusia biasa macam kamu-kamu jantan-jantan miang ni (mestilah miang kan. Sebab biasanya nak kahwin yang muda je). Kalau dulu, berkahwin adalah salah satu cara melindungi wanita. Iyalah masa tu banyak anasir-anasir yang menganiaya wanita-wanita esp janda-janda. Sekarang ni kalau alasan kahwin lagi sebab nak membela nasib janda-janda, tak payah kahwin pun boleh. Tanggung ajelah keluarga tu. Sekolahkan anak-anak dia. Boleh buat untuk multiple keluarga lagi. And for your information, s** tak penting lansung bagi kebanyakan Mak Janda berbanding dengan anak-anak. Lagi pun kalau soal s** ni kan ke lelaki lagi 'lemah'. Berapa kali je boleh sehari? seminggu? sebulan? Porah!!! My father kaya. Kahwin lagi satu. Budak muda you! Mak I bagi sebab dah tak tahan dia menggatal. Walaupun banyak harta dia beri to my mother and us, kami lebih rela hidup miskin asalkan dia tak jadi hamba 'kepala kecik' dia tu. Dia ingat bagus sangatlah heret dua-dua bini sana-sini. Dia tak tahu ke that pada kami itu insulting to my mother. Lagi keji, dia 'kampungkan' dua-dua bini satu bilik. Yang kami pelik, lepas kahwin no 2, 'malam pertama' dia orang bertiga satu bilik. Boleh ke Aunty? Siap bermegah dengan kawan dia "Lepas ser*** satu aku ser*** lagi satu". Gelinya yak amat. Malulah sikit. Anak-anak dah besar-besar. Kami dah faham. I AM NOT GOING TO MARRY EVER!!! BTW, my father 'mengaku Muslim'. I sekarang study kat overseas. Sejak datang sini I tak pernah balik. My Mom adalah datang visit. I pun tak nak balik. Malu tengok/dapat bapak macam tu. Lagi pun kalau serumah dengan bapak, rasa macam dapat dosa subahat je. I bagaimanapun tak rasa bersalah guna duit bapak I untuk tanggung I masa study. Sebagai anak hak I ada. Lepas dah kerja nanti, lain cerita.

Anak mangsa bapa kahwin lagi - emotional cripple

MrsNordin said...

Hi Anonymous,

Susah jugak I nak balas balik komen you ni...

I can sense that you are very angry towards your father. For doing what he did on the first night, I think it's very uncalled for and very rude of him.

But I'm surprised that your mother agreed to join in the threesome. Or was it by force? Eee.. I cannot and don't want to imagine it!

Anyway, I'm sorry if this posting has triggered your hatred and anger towards your father. I didn't mean to.

My advise is this: just focus on your studies. I know as much as you want to forget about your dad and his bizarre lifestyle, you can't help but to think about your mother and siblings. They'll be ok, insyaallah. You just concentrate on doing well so that you don't have to rely on your dad for money. Let him do what he wants to do. I think, sooner or later, he will come back to his senses especially when the money runs dry.

U take care, ok?

Anonymous said...

Aunty, My Mom macam kerbau kena cucuk hidung. Ikut je apa my Dad suruh. Bila I bising dia kata dia nak jadi isteri solehah. Pada I isteri solehah apa kalau bersekutu dgn suami buat dosa? BTW my dad punya 2nd tu Indon. Bukan maid tapi anak somebody my Dad kenal. Org cakap Indon tu guna 'ilmu'. Entahlah. Mungkin kut. Sampai sekarang dia org bertiga serumah dan sebilik. Kawan-kawan my mother pun tak cakap apa. Konon nak jaga hati my mother. Pigi dah!!! Lagi dua tahun MERDEKA!!! Must study and secure a job here. Aiming to get a First. Insyallah. Kalau nak ikut sunah Nabi, Nabi tak pernah pun madukan Siti Khadijah kan? So kalau betul-betul nak ikut sunah Nabi, bila bini tua dah meninggal barulah pasang ramai-ramai. Jgn jadikan alasan ikut sunah Nabi nak aniaya anak-bini. DAYUSLAH LU MACAM BAPA AKU.!!!!

MrsNordin said...

Anon,

Take it easy now, ok...

Despite what he did, he is still your father. If you are hurt and angry by his conduct, your mum must feel even worse. But your mum still stick to the marriage, and she must have her reasons for doing so.

Jadi, kita sebagai anak2 must learn to tolerate all these. You must be the pillar of strength for your mum. Yes, it is "very disturbing", but kita kena redha sometimes. Then you will not feel so much pain.

Take care.

azIEda said...

i just hate to be the other woman.either we the first wife we are the other woman or we are the gf we still the other woman. i also hate the thought he is kissing another woman and then be kissing me. as a muslim we must redha but also in our religion divorce is permissable.. so i take later la. nau zubillah.. the hurt is tremendous. and im still scar until today.

Anonymous said...

MrsN,

You have a good head on your shoulder (and a good person) - the responses you gave (esp to the last anons) are very impressive!

Eh, bukan ke threesome tu hukumnya haram, walaupun both are your wives? Report aje kat pejabat ugama. . .

Farizahb

Lyana Mauseth said...

mrsN,

good discussion...i percaya ramai lelaki yg kawin ramai kat luar sana mostly xde lah adil sgt pun...semua ikut nafsu..bak kata ustaz hassan din, kalau ikut sunnah, kenapa tak kawin dgn janda anak 8 tu? ni nak semua ank dara yg lawo2..hampeh!

yg kes anon tu, i hope dia doakan mak ayah dia...i pernah bc isteri2 tak boleh tinggal sebilik, apatah lagi serve suami serentak...haram dan berdosa...doakan lah mak ayah dia, mintak tuhan bg petunjuk...kesian kat mereka tu...kalau pikir hati mmg panas tp seburuk2 mana pun ayah tetap ayah kan...takkan nak biar dia mcm tu selamanya....

MrsNordin said...

Hi Azieda,

Only today I managed to come across your comment. Thanks for dropping by.

Back to this issue, the pain must be tremendous, as you said, and only those who've been there would know the answer. Nau-zubillah, minta dijauhkan Tuhan.

p/s I think your children are all beautiful!

MrsNordin said...

Farizah,

Hee.. hee... report je kat Pejabat Agama? I like that!


Lyana,

Dah letihlah nak komen pasal ni. Whatever you wrote, I second them!