Monday, August 25, 2008

Fierce Mommy

I did a bad thing last night. I slapped the little boy.

He was really cranky and I was dead tired. Suruh tidur tak nak tidur, bila turun bawah suruh makan, tak nak makan. Orang nak tengok Olimpik, dia nak tengok Elmo (eventho' he has watched the VCD the whole day!). Bila orang pasang Elmo, dia bukan nak tengok, dia pegi main benda lain. Bila we changed the channel back to the Olympics, he went beserk. "Nak Elmo! Nak Elmo!"

He was tugging at my dress and pulling my hands, asking me to go upstairs, screaming and crying (but no tears in sight). He was just being difficult, as I saw it. I told one of the girls to take him away from me before I spanked him but he refused to let anybody else touched him and continued crying and wailing.

Then he threw up. Habis satu baju.

Dah jadi macam tu, tangan I ni pun ringan je lah jawabnya. Terus singgah sebijik penampar kat pipi dia. Pang! WAAAAAA!!! The boy cried, of course.

But you know what? I didn't feel sorry for him. I felt he deserved it for being so naughty. And I left him there in the kitchen sink for the maid to clean him up. I couldn't touch him anymore for I was afraid I would do something worse.

So I went upstairs and took a cold shower to calm down. I was telling myself, "Please God, don't let me harm this child anymore...". Bila I keluar bilik air, the maid tengah tukarkan dia baju. Our friend masih tersedu2 menangis, and when he saw me, dia terus peluk the maid. Pipi sebelah dah merah.

At that point, I felt really bad for doing what I did. How could I hit my baby like that... dia bukan tau apa pun. But he was really driving me crazy and I totally lost it.

After susu, he straight away went to sleep. I nak peluk pun, dia tepis tangan I. Sedih pulak rasanya masa tu...

I hope he won't hate me. That kind of behaviour is unacceptable and he should be taught a lesson. I tak nak nanti bila besar, he thinks he'll always get his way and always throw tantrums like that. No, I will not let my child grow up like that. Biar I yang pukul dia sekarang, jangan orang lain for I can't bear seeing other people hitting him or scolding him (not even his father). I feel pain, a terrible pain whenever I saw that happened. So in the house, I told everyone only I can pukul the boy. Other people, hands off.

I hope I did the right thing. I baca dalam suratkhabar kata jangan pukul budak kecil, nanti dia jadi penakut. I don't know. How else would you deal with it if you were caught in the same situation? How do you slow talk to a small boy who can't even talk or understand what you're saying? Was I wrong in hitting him?

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Mrs Nordin,

Have you heard of the 'terrible two'? Soon after my son's birthday last May, I was informed of the above. It seems when our toddler reaches this age, they are of course more vocal, expressive and equipped with mini tantrums.

I share your pain as I read through your post.

My advise from one mother to another:

(1)Just before all hell breaks loose - deep deep breaths in and out

(2)Spend one to one time with him for half an hour to an hour in a day - just the two of you and hopefully dia akan bosan and do his own thing after that. Then us mothers can also do own thing.

(3)Make sure there is a room in the house that can be your sanctuary - on a daily basis I think one needs to have time on their own to recollect and reflect our thoughts, to relax and unwind without the demands and needs of others. It keeps your sanity. Especially important kalau tinggal with ramai.

In my house, hubby suggested that we each have our own little study room. This helps tremendously. Our bedroom sudah disurrenderkan to our son - like you, mine sleeps with us for now, and the room cannot be maintained to its former glory prior to his birth.

I pernah slap his thigh 'PAAAP' after God knows how many 'no' and 'stop, don't do that'. I felt bad but really I rather it was me then orang lain, even his father.

Do you know Bill Bellamy (one of my favourite comedian)?

Here's a link to one segment of his stand up show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBX03Odt03o&feature=related

He makes me laugh and I hope he'll be able to cheer you up.

Warms regards
FD

busymum100 said...

MrsN,

That shows monthers are human too! I am pretty sure I slapped or spanked ALL my kids one time or another when they were smaller.

Of course now that they are much bigger, I don't do that anymore.

I know you meant well, and you didn't mean to do it. I am sure your angel will not hate you for that. Keep this blog page, and when he's big enough, let him read this entry and see how much you love him.

Don't feel bad. We all know you love him very much, and chances are he will not remember this little incident.

Ezza Aziz said...

salam MrsN,
Hal macam ni biasa jer. Kekadang anak ni saja nak menguji kita, I dulu macam tu jugak. Pujuk sudah tapi kalu tak jadi jugak,siap kamu..penampor la jawap nya. Ada masa nya badan kita ni letih tapi ank kecik ni mintak macam2...tu yang buat hati jadi marah jer. Beristifar la banyak2. Beranak kecil macam tu laa,memang menuntut banyak kesabaran. Kadang kadang cakap motivator pun tak boleh pakai jugak,itu semua teori,praktikal nya lain. Satu lagi jangan pujuk anak lepas kita marah. Tunggu la esok ke atau sampai dia tegur kita... (ishhh jahat betul aku ni)...anak saya panggil saya singa dulu tapi sebab saya jadi singa lah perangai mereka elok dan bertertib sekarang. Tapi sekarang ni singa dah tua,dah tak larat dah...ngaum jer lebih

MrsNordin said...

Hi FD,

Thanks for your friendly advise. On No. 1 ~ yes, I shall do that whenever my blood has reached boiling point. No. 2 ~ I've spent the whole 5 days entertaining him during our holiday, and yet dia tak habis2 nak clinging on me. Tu yang geram sangat tu! No. 3 ~ there is: the bathroom. Study room tak boleh pakai becoz he will creep up on me whenever he sees me inside. Even the bathroom pun dia dah pandai bukak pintu, nak buat camno?

Thanks for the link too! Have a nice day!

MrsNordin said...

Busymum,

Thanks! I want him to grow up well-behaved, like his brothers and sisters. That's why I did that.

Well... he's ok today. Now running around the house, back & forth from the bedroom to the study room. Tak penat2 lah budak tu!

MrsNordin said...

Ezza,

Ha! Ha! Kena penampor jugak, ya? Nasib lah engkorang...

I didn't pujuk him last night. Tak sempat pun coz dia dah tidur terus. Today macam biasa je dia, back to running around and jumping up and down. Sabor je lah... Thanks!

Waterlily said...

MrsN

Anak anak kecik ni cepat lupa and very forgiving...time dah reda tu, peluk cium la dia. I'm sure you do that.

I understand what you're going thru...dah la badan penat, otak penat..the last thing we need is NOISE and clingy human beings (bukan budak kecik je..)..so what I normally do is, take that shower FIRST..before facing them.

Dont worry dear...its part of motherhood. We learn new things everyday...

Anonymous said...

BJ,

A couple of hours before u balik, u make the maid play with him so that he exerts himself ehehhee that is why my daughter goes to school hehehe so that she pesters org lain and not me when I come home. So'll be too tired to runa round, and then just as she is on the verge of sleep, baru leh gomol-gomol ehhehehe then they go to sleep really easy. Oh best think is to just switch off the tv.

Please note that I hardly get a minute of peace if the tv is on. they all want their cartoons and kita lak nak tengok benda kita... so what I do is to switch the tv off and just read to them... or story telling time (in the dark) and they will be asleep in no time. After that I am free to do whatever... opsss that reminds me am off to watch HOUSE now.

Aida - just hang in there. NEVER let him get the best of u. remember this, he's a child and u are the adult dear. U CAN outsmart him ehehhehe HUGS

Eta My said...

Bj ..cam tu lah kita...para2 ibu...ibarat pepatah melayu..sayang anak..ditangan-tangankan...normally lepas 'aksi'..pasti rasa sedih punyalah...

Niat betul tak salah Bj...later pasti dia akan ingat...insya'allah...part of training...

Kita memang salute those mum yang tahap kesabaran dan kekreatifan tinggi bila berdepan dengan perkara yg menjeruk perasaan sebegini...

Budak2 pun merajuk tak lama...sure u leh pujuk punya...but for me...I memang suka my kids remember the garang and the baik of me...

p/s:...masih belum sempurna lagi...bila ingat balik waktu dolu2..ade gak masa yang i regret..dan ade gak masa...biar dia rasakan!!

Madam Tai Tai said...

BJ, dah berlalu..let it go. Things happened, eventhough we try hard not to succumb to them. Let it go..

You know you are a good mum. Don't feel bad because you terbuat mcm ni, because you know it will only be this once aje, kan.

I know you are not a violent person - berleter yes, violent no. Nizzar must have triggered the last straw on the camel's back lah last night.

Hope you are alright. As for Nizzar, like everyone is saying here..kejap aje merajuk dia tu.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mrs N,

When my kids were that age, I only had time for myself when they were asleep. Kengkadang nak mandi pun ada je yg ketuk pintu..now that they're bigger, I can at least tell them to leave me alone (tu pun kengkadang je).

Kalau tak silap I, memang boleh punish kids, like rotan them on the legs or butt. I have one at home and usually guna when they fight with each other.

From your cerita, your boy has a very strong personality..apa tu, powerful choleric.

Busybody

MrsNordin said...

Waterlily,

Thanks for your encouraging words. Dah above 40 ni, dah tak larat nak handle benda2 macam ni. Patience pun is running thin. But like you said, he was ok last night. Back to his normal self. I still love him, anyhow!

MrsNordin said...

Hi Aida,

I want to send him to play school, but he can't really talk yet. And still wear pampers. So, susah sikit lah. I'll wait until he can talk properly and toilet trained, baru hantar play school. He needs friends lah.. I'm sure kalau dah pegi sekolah half a day, malam sure senang knock out.

Thanks!

MrsNordin said...

Eta,

I share your opinion on mums yang tak pernah tangankan anak dia. How they do it is beyond me. The books say "talk to them", "use phsychology", entah lah...

Sure, sometimes I regret doing what I did. But that night, memang biar dia rasa! (hee.. hee... bad mommy!)

wanshana said...

BJ,

What is done, is done. I'm sure Nizzar dah tak ingat that incident, but you have to slow-talk with him and explain why you did that to him when he's calmer.

And I agree with Ezza Aziz, DON'T pujuk anak-anak after you've given them the scolding.

AND another thing, if your hubby dah marah them, DON'T try to apease or pujuk them. Or even worse - contradict your hubby on the way he disciplines them, in front of them, vise versa.

I have been advised that if nak pukul anak-anak, elok di kaki, and not other parts of the body. Wallahua'lam...

So far, I've been doing that - pukul di kaki (or, masa tengah menyinga sangat tu, cubit them!) But, now anak-anak I dah besar sket, dah lama dah tak pukul.

It's just a phase that they go through - being clingy, naughty and demanding ni.

You'll just have to hang in there, dear.

MrsNordin said...

Mdm,

I'm ok now. Will try not to let it happen again. Thanks for your concern..

Puteri Kamaliah At-Tarawis said...

Mrs N, Salaam

I have visited your post banyak kali dah. Bila baca, teringat zaman I was a young mother macam you sekarang, angin kekadang naik sebab kerenah budak2. They really test our patience, don't they?

Tapi, arwah my grandma dulu ada la bagi petua sikit on how to deal with budak2 buat perangai macam ni. She said pukul tu boleh, don't ever spare the rod because it will spoil the child, and I never did.

Tapi seboleh-bolehnya la, toksah tampar. Don't touch the head. Bagi kat punggung or rotan kat kaki paha or betis. I pun bagi jugak sebijik dua when the occasion warranted it tapi always dengan rotan. I wallop betul2 pun, sampai bercalar2 kaki.

Of course as mothers kita kekadang menyesal la, sedih la, after the whole episode. Tu normal. Mudah-mudahan the child will grow up remembering his punishment and able to see it from his mother's perspective - yang kita sayang sebab tu kita tunjuk ajar any which way we can.

Wassalam.

MrsNordin said...

Hi Busybody,

I pun sama. My free time is only when he's asleep, but by that time, usually mummy dia pun dah ngantuk...

I don't think I'll use the rotan, kut. Dulu masa kecik2 selalu kena rotan dengan mak, tak sampai hati nak buat cam tu kat my own son. Sakit, oi!

What does "powerful choleric" means?

MA & Brood said...

I feel you Mrs N. Though I never lay a hand on my kids - yes I am one of those who uses the art of kelentong to outsmart my kids to get them to toe the line, but then again when they were younger, so was I. So I am just as strong and energetic to match their energy.


My eldest was a bit hyper compared to the younger ones. What I did was to "lepaskan" dia kat padang permainan every evening when I get back from work - with the maid in attendance jugak to make sure he doesnt run very far. This is to ensure he releases his boundless energy to the right channel. I did that even when he was in his walker - I bawak walker to the taman and him "run" all over the place in his walker.


I played a lot of "games" with him too, so that he will learn that he doesnt have to get his own way all the time. E.g bila berebut TV, I will play o-som with him sometimes and let him "win" a few times and then when masa time I win - he has to let me watch TV. This - you have to do all the time to get the conditioning. Samada you have that patience and endurance, terpaksa lah kan... but it does work, I can tell you that.


I also practice time-out. If he misbehaves and throws tantrum - I will tell him to go to his room to calm down. I will only deal with him when he is calmed down. Of course the first few times, sure berdegang degung dia nak keluar, but if you consistently practice this - he will get the message. Selagi dia masih in his misbehave mood - everyone will ignore him. Lama-lama he will understand, to get any attention, he will be on his best behaviour. My son will sendiri masuk bilik, when I gave him the jelingan maut when he misbehaves. And of course, make sure the room is condusive enough for the time-out, kang ada pulak table lamp yang berderai pecah...he he..


Of course you will say, but Nizzar is so young, boleh ke dia follow all these? Yes he can! Melentur buluh biar dari rebung. The trick to it is consistency. Jangan hari ini buat, besok tukar taktik. Don't ever let the child find that loophole. They are just as crafty so you must always be one step ahead of them.


Good luck! And oh, make sure he is off sugar (dont give him sweets or chocolates petang/malam) - otherwise he will bounce off the wall alll night long.

MrsNordin said...

Hi Shana,

Thanks for your sound advise. That's really useful.

Sebelum ni, I tak pernah pun naik tangan sampai ke muka. Paling kuat, cubit kat peha or pukul tangan dia sikit je. I think that night tu, dah penat sangat and dah hilang sabar. That's why... tu yang rasa menyesal sangat tu.

I shall heed your advise about jangan pujuk budak2 ni after kena marah. Thanks again!

MrsNordin said...

Hi Puteri,

Thanks for dropping a comment.

Like I told Shana, sebelum ni memang tak pernah tangan ni naik ke muka dia. Cuma that night, entah apa pasal, penat sangat kut, terus kena pelempang sebijik. I vow not to do that again. Kesian..

Kekadang tu, bila tengah marah sangat, memang tak boleh control. That's why I always tell my other family members to take him away when that mood strikes.

But I'm quite glad to know that it's ok to pukul to discipline him. But next time, only bottom down. Thanks again!

melayudilondon said...

Hallo MrsN

I lama baca your blog tapi malu nak letak komen. Don't feel guilty. Mums are humans too and of course, kekadang memang hilang sabar. Especially when the kids are at their terrible twos!

But the wonderful things about young kids is their propensity for love and forgiveness.

One thing psl Terrible Twos ni they are always always always testing their boundaries. tu yang kejap nak ni, kejap nak tu.

What i find effective if you need to reprimand a terrible two is to come down to his eye level and speak to him calmly but still show you are serious/angry about his behaviour. he knows that is his boundary.

memang mencabar tu! we all have been there

MrsNordin said...

Hi Ma,

Those are great tips! Yes, as I read along, I kept telling myself, "How to kautim with him, he's so young... Mana dia faham compromise?" But if you said it's workable, I shall try it.

Usually we'll distract him when he throws tantrums like that. Tapi sekejap je, lepas tu balik merengek. But when I'm not around, dia ok pulak. Very well behaved, the sisters said.

Macam ni, kena cari padang permainan lah kat rumah I tu. Near my house tu, ada club house je. Children's playground tak pernah nampak pulak. Or I'll let him play ball in the garden. Nanti kena gigit nyamuk pulak! Ish... macam2 lah!

Thanks anyway!

MrsNordin said...

Hi MelayudiLondon,

Thanks for dropping by.

Hmmm... go down to his eye level and speak to him sternly? I've never tried that. Usually I would just give him an angry stare and point my index finger at him. He'll stop for a while, lepas tu dia sambung balik. Will try your tip after this.

Thanks again!

Anonymous said...

Mrs N,

Rotan lightly actually, usually after 5 years old..before that age, I usually cubit. Last month my 5 yr old talked balk to me so i pulas telinga dia, dia boleh cakap tak sakit..

I pun mcm u, I'd rather I hit them than anyone else (even hubby).

I recommend you read the book Personality Plus for Children by F (lupa stands for what) Littauer. My eldest is a choleric, punyalah nakal masa kecik..when she was almost 2 I was heavily pregnant with my 2nd one. She was very bossy, I had to dukung her sambil masak..

Busybody

MrsNordin said...

And MA,

Yes, I think it's the sugar too. I think that day dia terlebih makan ice cream. Padan lah...

MrsNordin said...

Busybody,

Oh my... dia boleh kata "tak sakit" bila pulas telinga dia? Hee... hee... how did you respond to that??

I'll look up for the book. Thanks again and have a nice day!

Kak Teh said...

Mrs N, I am more of a cubit person, dekat peha tu! They will wait to show the sting to their daddy!

Dont be too hard on yourself. If he remembers it at all, he will one day boast about it to all and sundry.

Having said that - kalau di sini, takut ada orang report.

MrsNordin said...

Kak Teh,

Ya lah... I pun takut nanti orang kata I dera anak. Crazy! I wouldn't do such a thing.

MA & Brood said...

"How to kautim with him, he's so young... Mana dia faham compromise?"


To get the set of behaviour you want from your kids takes time. So long you maintain the consistency and keep the role playing until he "gets" the message, then you go up one level. All these takes a lot of patience and endurance. You also must like and enjoy these role-playing. Make it fun for him. As you are the closest to him, you boleh tahu what he likes, and incorporate the discplining in that. Lama-lama he will learn the tempo.


You mentioned he is only "misbehaving" when you are around. Bila you tak ada he is okay. So that is a good tip already. He is demanding your attention and wouldnt stop until he gets it. What he did (the elmo-olimpic thingy) was just desperate attempts to elicit a reaction (which translated to him as attention) from you. Unfortunately, that reaction was a pelempang. :P


So maybe you work around the schedule of a mommy-and-nizzar time alone. Once he knows that he doesn't have to "misbehave" to get a reaction from you - he should be fine.



What I did was to make a big fuss and over reacted when my kids did something good and nice (like saying "thank you", or picking up the toys etc) and would puji-puji them and keep on reminding of the good deeds. When they did something bad - I would tell them how disappointed I was. After a while they will learn the good behaviour begets attention/love. Bad behaviours get ignored looks and time-out. Keep on repeating doing this consistenly and insya allah they will learn of the approved set of behaviours.


But boys will be boys and bab lasak-lasak tu biasa lah.

MrsNordin said...

Ma,

Well, what you wrote do make sense. Usually, my time alone with him is during bath time (but this, kadang2 je. Kalau I balik lambat, dia dah mandi). Or, I'll take him out for a drive or we go to the shop to buy something.

Then I'd play with him for a while or read him a book before he goes to sleep. But this is not a daily routine. Tengok mood, kalau I tak penat sangat I'll do it. Otherwise I'll just let him play on his own.
Perhaps I should make it a point to do this with him everyday.

Thanks, ma. I really appreciate your kind advise. Boleh jadi child counsellor lah! :)

Kmar said...

BJ,

I pun kekadang pukul juga my kids bila dah hilang sabar.

I do agree with Shana, kalau boleh elakkan bahagian kepala. So, my tangan selalu ´melayang´ either kat punggung or kat tangan. Apa nak buat, kalau tak dimarah, nanti tak tahu pulak his ´boundries´... betul tak?

Kids cepat lupa and I bet your Nizzar will forget about it.

Anonymous said...

bj,

that's how i felt when i first did the same, but then... sometimes you have to teach them...but after 5 kids i think i hv become more sabar...

yani

Superwomanwannabe said...

Hi J

Thanks for coffee last night. It was fun meeting up-!

Kesian you...the dilemma of a mom.

try this simple method- CALL NORDIN/MAID to help..like this:

"hellooooo you guys better ambik dia nih NOW or else SOMEONE may get it from me and I don't necessarily mean Nizzar!!"

Hows that heehehee.

Seriously though. IMMEDIATELY get help from the dad/sister/maid/the cat/anyone standing there. That's what family is supposed to do.

MrsNordin said...

Hi Kmar,

Thanks! Will not try to hit the face anymore after this.

MrsNordin said...

Yani,

And thought you never hit your kids... :) Ya lah... the first one selalu gitu kut. Kena banyak sabar.

MrsNordin said...

SW,

It was nice meeting you & Jab too yesterday. Your hair do look nice and you've lost some weight, too. Great!

That's a good advice. Call for help, and I don't necessarily mean Nizzar yang akan kena. Otherwise, diaorang semua buat tak tahu saja. Like, sorry.. he doesn't want me... so he's your problem, you handle it. Geram!!

Royalshoppingarcade said...

salam MrsN,

My children semua clingy and I used to hit them so hard coz I am not patient.Tapi, bila actually if I can control my anger, they will learn to control theirs too.I noticed with my second child yg memang tak makan saman, if dia tantrum tahap gaban, I will now try to distract him and puji2 and usik2 dia so that he is actually getting my attention. I would hug him(its really hard to hug your child when you're SOOOOOOO tired and angry and hungry and melekit2 badan balik from office) but I would really try.So, he would not prolong his tantrum.But really, its sooooo hard but now I put it in my head that its really not their fault.Whatever he turns out to be is because he mimicks us and if we're not patient they are not too.
My 2 cents worth, not to judge you or anything..coz its really really hard having 3 BOYS!Lots of work.Keep me slim though.hahahaha