Tuesday, May 06, 2008

What do you want for Mother's Day?

Ever thought of that?

Mother's Day has always been a tricky one for me. You know, I'm not really a mother to MrNordin's children ~ I'm just their stepmum. Since they don't have Stepmum's Day (maybe they should now with the high number of women becoming step mothers!), I've always felt that Mother's Day is not a day for me to celebrate.

However, every year, I would secretly hope that the three children would wish me on that day. Nothing fancy, just a simple wish to make me feel that my presence in the family is being acknowledged and appreciated. And they did, every year, alhamdulillah. Although I knew they must have felt uncomfortable as well, I'm glad they took the initiative to do it.

I remember, my first Mother's Day with them, we were in Bangkok that time, on holiday. They were whispering among themselves whether to get a card for me or not that morning. Since they didn't have the money, they were asking their father to get one for me. But my dear husband at that time, buat tak dengar saja... and I didn't know why. But tak kisah lah tu... tak ada kad pun tak apa, at least they had thought about it. (I couldn't wait for the day to end quickly so I wouldn't feel awkward anymore!)

In the second year (2005), I think we celebrated with my MIL. We all had brunch somewhere (I can't remember where now), but I remember there were a lot of people.

The third year (2006) was a good one. I just gave birth to Nizzar that time (baru seminggu kut), masih dalam pantang. Mother's Day fell on the same date as their father's birthday. So, the girls prepared a Mother's Day cum Birthday lunch for the two of us. They cooked some pasta, Greek salad and fish, I think, which was wonderful. Each one of us had a cake and present. I was so happy that day!

Last year (2007), we didn't really celebrate coz we were sending Nabila to Gopeng to do her matrics. But I had a huge fight with my MIL because she was against us sending the girl there. That was also the day I saw my MIL's true color. Horror!!

The story is this. Before bertolak ke Gopeng, we singgah her house just to say goodbye. Sebelum tu, dia memang dah menyuarakan perasaan tidak puas hati terhadap we all sebab nak hantar budak ni belajar at some "ulu" place like Gopeng. She wanted her grandchild to belajar kat KL ni je, at some private college ke, so she's close to home. But we said no, because the girl made the grades and nak masuk Matrics tu bukannya senang. Anyway, she applied for the placing herself and was accepted among the thousands applications. So, biarlah dia pegi kan?

Tak... mati2 tak bagi hantar (and I really didn't understand her reasons!). So, bila sampai2 je kat rumah tu, terus kena fire. Ni, budak ni nak pegi belajar, nenek dia dah mengamuk2 marah. Eh, apasal pulak? Kononnya we all ni mengenepikan dia... tak sayang kan anak, hantar jauh2 belajar. Entah apa2, kan? Siap hujan (menangis) lagi, "Hati mak ni macam kena hiris.. bla, bla, bla.."

So, I opened my big mouth to pacify her, "Dah lah tu Mak... budak ni nak pegi belajar, Mak marah2 macam ni tak elok lah...". Bagai hali lintar, she turned to me, pointed her finger at me and screamed,

"Engkau jangan masuk campur !!!"

Haah.. jangan masuk campur??

Selama ni, siapa yang jaga budak ni pegi sekolah, makan, pakai segala? All this while, I've been taking care of her grand daughter, and now she's telling me jangan masuk campur??!! I was so mad at her! I nak lawan balik, but I thought better not. She was just being irrational. But I cried my heart out lah, because I felt so sad tak pasal2 kena sembur macam tu. Even my own mother pun tak pernah jerit kat I macam tu, tau? Who does she think she is??

But I tahan je, tears kept streaming down my cheeks. MrNordin was defending me and our decision to send Nabila. After a while, she cooled off but I hated her for doing that. On the way to Ipoh, I cried throughout the journey. Several SMS came in from friends wishing me Happy Mother's Day and thanking me for taking care of the children, lagi lah sebak rasa. Orang lain boleh appreciate my effort, my own MIL couldn't see all that! Hee.. geram betul I!

Despite all that, one consolation I got at the end of the day, Nabila started calling me Mummy that day. Huh... such simple word, but it meant so much to me. It made all the heartache and sadness went away... and made it all worthwhile...

So, this Mother's Day, I only want two things:

  1. 2-hours of uninterrupted time ~ to watch one DVD of my choice,
  2. Lunch/brunch with MY own family (sans the in laws, aunties, uncles and orang2 lain yang sewaktu dengannya)
MrNordin, if you're reading this, please take note, ok?

20 comments:

Hope said...

MrsN

My take on the whole gopeng-scenario is that your MIL maybe entertaining some soppy story in her head that now thatMrN has a new wife, he wants to send his kids away...(so kesian cucu dia dahla maknya meninggal, dapat pulak ibutiri...etc. etc.)

Point is step parenting is really a thankless job. My dear stepson is only nice to me when he wants something from me (bcoz his dad says I decide on everything). I used to get bothered by this but not anymore. Our background is different, most of the time my own kids get more things becoz their own father can afford it. Not the case with the stepson, but he still wants the same things as my kids so he would come to us for it (some of the times I think mak dia yang ajar (kurang asam betul)...sighhh

Mother's Day for me- well I am happy just my kids celebrating it. I don't expect from anak orang lain.

I watched "Stepmom" again last few days, remember the part the daughter said to Julia Roberts- "You are not my mom", she cooly replied "Boy, I'm damn glad I am NOT"

:)

MrsNordin said...

Hope,

You got it! She said exactly the same thing that day!

Yes, (step)parenting is a thankless job. But there are some people who appreciate what I've done, and that kept me going.

Perhaps I should watch Stepmom again. Luckily, that statement had never come out of the children's mouths. Otherwise, I would have given the same reply. :)

Thanks for sharing. Appreciate that!

MA & Brood said...

It is stories like this, and characters like the MIL, stepkids that stopped me from moving forward. I prefer remaining status quo at this point, enjoying my life and kids. I hate confrontation, had enough of that. Hehe...

At least your hubby are on your side, defending you. That should be a relief kan.

Anonymous said...

I think you're a wonderful stepmom! From your blog, I never detect any hints of resentment towards the kids. Why, I even thought to myself, should anything happen to me, I wish my children will get a stepmom like you!

Anonymous said...

Hi MrsNordin,

Yang penting ikhlas dalam buat apa pun. I am sure you buat semua ni kerana Allah... for our own children pun sebenarnya not really ours, but God's and we have been entrusted to take care of them before they return to HIM. So, it doesn't really matter if they are your step children or your biological child, the point is God has chosen you to 'mother' them and you're doing a good job! so, give yourself a pat on the back.

However, ari tu in your pre-Nizzar party posting, you did mention that you will be organising a party for your own son at last, as you had been doing so 'for other people's children' ;-) letting off steam, ke??? tak pe... we are all humans!

Happy Mother's Day (an early one!)

MrsNordin said...

Ma,

If I were in your shoes, I would never re-marry. I'd rather raise my kids on my own without others' interference. I don't need that.

Sometimes I wonder what have I got myself into? What do I get out of this? Not appreciated, kena shelling lagi!

But I'm glad my husband always stood up for me. My MIL can be unreasonable sometimes, not just to me, but to ALL in the family. So, it's no surprise. One day she can be nasty, the next day she can be extremely nice. I just blame it on her old age...

I hope I won't become like that when I'm old. And you'd better not too!

MrsNordin said...

Anon @ 09:09,

I'm so touched reading your comment. Thank you!

I believe I was brought into this situation for a reason, which I still don't know why. I'm still searching for the answer.

Hello, friend.. today's stepmums are not like those from Bawang Putih, Bawang Merah story,ok? I'm sure whoever it is that will "takeover" from you (would you actually allow that?!), would treat your children nicely. It all bogs down to your husband's choice lah!

MrsNordin said...

Anon @ 09:27,

Thanks for your heartfelt comment.

True, I treat them the same I would treat my own children. Nothing more, nothing less. Only difference is, with the step kids, I have to be EXTRA patient especially when they get on my nerves. Like what I always said to my friends, "Kalau anak sendiri, memang dah lama kena lempang!" With them, I cannot do it. I leave it to their father to do the disciplining.

But so far, they all semua dengar cakap. Kalau I pok pek, pok pek bising tu, dia orang tau lah I tak suka something and they'd do as I said. Senang lah jaga dia orang ni, cuma emosi kena kuat sikit!

Madam Tai Tai said...

Has it been a year now since THAT episode occured? Cepat nya time flies.

Pasal MILs ni..well I'm sure a lot of your readers have had episodes yg memilukan hati with their MILs. Terima aje ni sebagai cabaran hidup berumahtangga dan thus having extended family.

You have certainly crossed some really 'bad' obstacles with your MIL before, namely masa nak kahwin dulu. Still...you are here and happy in your marriage and family life.

Give her the respect that is due to her, as the mother to your husband. Other than that, stay clear and live your own life as much as possible without her presence and interference.

Let me tell you this, I'm a lot happier here being far away from my MIL. Dah tak banyak perkara yg I terasa hati. And I appreciate her more now.

Perhaps over time your relationship with her will change as she mellows with age (and you too!). InsyaAllah by then she would not see you as an 'outsider' but really as her own daughter.

Helena said...

hi there mrs Nordin.... hopped over from wanshana....

your entry is so touching, it sort of make me look differently at stepmoms now.... sebab kira first time i baca truly how a step mom feels... i just cant imagine how you crushed u were after the episode with MIL.... wow...

take care dearie... HAppy Mother's Day....

MrsNordin said...

Madam,

Thank you! My relationship with her if very cordial. I just be myself when I'm around her. But MrN's aunt recently told me that perhaps I should put in a little bit more effort to please my MIL, to which I disagree. I treat her just like how I treat my own mother. Why should I treat her differently?

This thing about trying to please another person is really not my thing. My principle is simple: just be nice towards others and don't create any trouble. I expect other people to behave the same way, too, unfortunately they don't, and this really cheeses me off sometimes.

She's ok now with me. I guess all MIL don't like their menantu perempuan, huh? C'est la vie !

wanshana said...

BJ,

You're doing a great job as a Mom. Fullstop. Doesn't matter whether you're their stepmom or their biological mom, tanggungjawab tu are the same. In fact you dapat BANYAK pahala menjaga and mendidik your stepkids - anak-anak yatim, BJ, insya Allah.

And I guess, I know what you mean - "kalau anak sendiri, dah lama I lempang!" Even though most stepmoms treat their stepkids as their own, bila bab-bab nak discipline them, it's a bit tricky, kan? Tegur tak boleh...Tak tegur pun tak boleh!

But, as a start, I think you're doing the right thing to leave that department to MrNordin for now. Insya Allah after some time you won't feel awkward to put your foot down in such sticky situations...

Take care!

And oh ya - Happy Mother's Day, dear.

MrsNordin said...

Hi Helena,

I was really crushed that day, just as you said. Felt like running away from it all there and then because I despised being treated that way. Nasib baik my husband defended me, kalau tidak, memang dah lama goodbye dah... hee.. hee..

Thanks for dropping by.

MrsNordin said...

Shana,

I'm glad you understood what I meant when I said that. Quite tricky when it comes to disciplinary actions. Tegur salah, tak tegur pun salah. Kalau tak tegur, makan hati; kalau tegur, susah hati! How?

About pahala jaga budak2 tu, my husband just reminded me about it a few days ago. Insyaallah... I tak ada niat buruk, ikhlas jaga they all. I just hope they'll see it that way.

Happy Mummy's Day to you, too. Hope you'll have a good one!

Kak Teh said...

mrs Nordin, can just imagine how you felt that day but no one can ever feel how you felt. It must be devastating to want to belong and yet...anyway, I am sure things are better now abd from what i read, you are a good mum to all. So, happy mother's day!!

MrsNordin said...

Thanks, K.Teh!

Happy Mother's Day to you, too!!

Kmar said...

BJ,

Happy Mother´s Day!!

Parenting is not an easy job especially bila nak kena jaga 3 teenagers-stepchildren. Nak marah lebih tak boleh, tak marah pun tak boleh. Kalau anak sendiri, lain.. memang boleh ´cabai´ mulut in case celupar. Mencabar kesabaran tu.. and you handle it very very well!!

My MIL (late) used to live with us for a year sebab dia sakit and need space for gardening. Anak-anak lain semuanya tinggal di apartment. Not so easy sebab there were things I like but she didn´t like... pfff... But one most important thing was-is my hubby ALWAYS stand by me!!! Thank god for that or else dah lama I bawa beg balik Ipoh.. he.he..

The Spanish celebrate the Mother´s Day on the first Sunday in the month of May. They don´t have specific date.. ha.ha.. pelik kan? This year.. 4th May. I had lots of kisses from my kids sebab my hubby asyik suruh depa wish me Mother´s Day every 2 hours!! Tak penat I mengandung depa.. ha.ha.ha..

Take care

Anonymous said...

Tu lah kan. I pun sama. Pasal hubby always stand by my side bila MIL 'attack' I, best rasanya. Tapi kesian pulak kat Hubby sebab as anak lelaki dia bertanggungjawab mengutamakan maknya sendiri over his wife. Kadang-kadang rasa sinful pulak biarkan hubby membelakangkan maknya sendiri, tapi macam mana ye? Seburuk-buruk MIL tu, dia tetap mak Hubby I. It is my Hubby's duty to take care of her feelings. Tapi feeling I macam mana kan? I pun dilemma........

MrsNordin said...

Kmar,

Lucky u to have such an understanding husband. With their support, the wives would not feel so intimidated whenever such incidents happen.

You got loads of kisses on M's Day? You deserve it, my dear friend, for all the sacrifices you've made to be there with your husband and family.

Have a nice day!

MrsNordin said...

Dear Anon,

You're lucky to have such a wonderful husband. Just don't push him into a situation where he has to choose between his mother and you ~ that would be very hard for him to do.

The reason why he's always supportive is perhaps because you're right all along. If you're the one who's being unreasonable, I'm sure you pun akan kena sebijik, betul tak?

Just be nice to your MIL, that's all you need to do. If she's nasty, just ignore it. Don't take it too hard. That's my advise.

Have a wonderful Mother's Day!