Friday, April 04, 2008

Please, can someone help me?

I so want to write about my husband to melepas geram, but I'm worried, coz I know if he read this, he'll think I'm over reacting. So I'm thinking, should I or shouldn't I? If I do, it's gonna make someone really unhappy and it'll probably means WAR between us. But if I don't, I'll probably give him a cold treatment when he gets home tomorrow.

But what the heck, right? This is MY blog. I'm entitled to write whatever I feel. I just want to know how you'd feel if you're caught in the same situation.

MrNordin had gone out of town for 3 days ~ company's team building in Guoman, PD. He left yesterday afternoon from the office, after I said goodbye to him in the morning. I didn't know how he'd get to PD (I didn't ask), but I presumed it must be in one of his colleagues' car, or bus. And this, I meant a male colleague.

Anyway, he didn't call me until late evening. I was driving home at that time. It did occur to me while I was still at work, that my husband could be up to something since he was so quiet all day long. Usually, he would text me when he was just leaving or on the way to the destination, but this time ~ nothing. But I just dismissed the thought, thinking that he may be too busy to call.

So, while I was driving home, he called. He said, he'd just arrived at the hotel ~ that was about 7 pm. Ok, fine. Then, I asked him, "How did you get there?" For a second, I thought I heard him stammer. He was clearing his throat, as if something has impeded his speech. I waited for his answer, fearing the worst.... and true enough, he said, he drove R's car to PD.

Who is R, you may ask? R is the company's MD ~ and a lady. Well, they used to work in the same company before they joined this new outfit (infact, she recommended my husband for this new job), but not in the same department. But in this current organization, they work closely together as they are part of the management team.

So, in my mind, I was thinking, you drove who's car?! Why do you have to drive her car? Who else were in the car?!! I wasn't happy.

Before I could even ask him all these questions, he went on to explain that R wanted to drive down to PD altho' the rest went on a bus. I supposed she invited my husband to come along, together with another male colleague, A. So, there were three of them ~ my husband driving (I just don't understand why he had to drive her car! I know lah she drives an X5, but isn't it a bit odd ?), R sitting at the passenger seat, and the other fella sitting behind ~ bersuka ria turun ke PD!

After I heard that, I was almost in tears. How could he let himself be drawn into that situation? Why can't he just go on the bus, or take his own car if he doesn't want to go by the bus. Why does he has to drive her car? Doesn't he find it awkward? If she insisted on taking her car, ask her driver to take her lah. Why he volunteered pulak?

To me a car is something very personal. You don't let just anybody drive your car. The fact that my husband drove this lady's car meant he doesn't think much of it, but little did he realise his wife may not be too happy with it. Come on lah... would you be happy if I let another guy drive my car, MrNordin?

I remember a long time ago, we were still not married then. I got into a major fight with MrNordin becoz I gave this guy, who happened to be a male colleague who lived near my place, a lift to work because his car broke down. He wanted a lift for a couple of days until his car was ready. MrNordin said he cannot tumpang my car because it was not proper. Itu baru bagi lift to work, belum lagi dia drive my car. Had he driven my car, mampus!!

That's why sometimes we fail to realise that certain things we do may hurt our loved ones' feelings without us realising it. My husband may think that what he's doing is harmless, but I think otherwise. I was really hurt when he told me about it, but I quickly ended the conversation. I didn't want him to know that I was upset coz then he would get upset too, and would start interrogating me when I just didn't feel like getting into that sort of argument at that time. But it definitely spoilt my mood for the rest of the evening.

So please, can someone help me? Am I over reacting? Am I a jealous freak? I've nothing personal against R, I've met her and her husband a couple of times. But a lady is a lady, right? It's different if he had driven the company's car. That I wouldn't mind so much. But her car??

(Well... I just don't know what's right and wrong anymore...)

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

I would feel jealous of course. Si pompuan tu pun satu. Mengada nak suruh husband orang lain drive kereta dia kenapa? May she will also encounter the SAME situation one of these days when her husband has to drive another lady's car. Baru dia tahu betapa sakitnya hati dia!! Bak kata papatah melayu moden 'Pompuan gatal, lelaki booh!).

(this opinion is based on ONLY what has been written by u. As you said, your hsband belum explain dengan detail what actually happened kan. Nanti kang, penat-penat je kita jelous, rupanya ada valid explaination).

Delicate Flower said...

mrsn,

each one of us is different and reacts based on our own personal experience. My take on this is - if R had been a man, would you have been upset? The fact that he is truthful in telling you how he got there shows he has nothing to hide.

Based on your writing (and his), he loves you and there is nothing to worry. Until he proves otherwise, cut the man some slacks :-). Husbands don't always have to explain everything in details, just like we don't either. Innocent until proven guilty, I say :-).

That's my falsampah anyway - will be married for 16 years next week and we have never had arguments because of jealousies.

Chin up :-)

MrsNordin said...

Delicate Flower,

If R had been a man, I wouldn't have bothered. Yes, he was telling the truth, but only after I asked, right? Maybe I shouldn't have asked him in the first place coz sometimes, the truth hurts.

I don't have any doubt about his feelings, and I trust that he won't do anything silly. But this is not a question of trust, it's just the code of conduct.

Lucky you, you never have issues with jealousy. Maybe because neither one of you has ever done anything to make the other person feel jealous.

I hate this feeling, I'm not proud of it. I wish I could just ignore it but in this case, I think it's just not right.

Anyway, thanks for your advice. I shall take heed of that. Coming from you who'll be married for 16 years next week, it's priceless!

Cheers!

MrsNordin said...

Anon,

Well, maybe she doesn't mind if her husband drives another woman's car. Or, my husband wouldn't mind another guy driving my car. If that's the case, i'm just being irrational lah, kan?

Yes, I shall listen to his explanation. True, no point tearing my hair now when there's probably a valid explanation for this.

Thanks for being supportive..

Delicate Flower said...

mrsn,

it's ok to feel the way you feel - trust me, i have felt it too. Just don't let it boil over into accusations, arguments and doubts. Just wait till you can talk to him and just tell him your feelings without accusing him of any wrongdoings.

After all, you feel what you feel, and we all have felt it. Just how you handle it can make a difference. Just remember he loves you and anything after that is secondary. Pompuan mana tak cemburu cik kiah oi? Asalkan jangan cemburu buta...:-)

MrsNordin said...

DF,

I'm well aware of that. Jealousy is a disease.

I don't like to accuse my husband unnecessarily. I know he hates it. Likewise, I don't like him to throw accusations at me when I felt that I haven't done anything wrong. But now when I think back, maybe I've gone overboard or too critical of my husband's conduct. I don't know...

Btw, you're online, ya? I just came back from fetching my kids from tuition. It's now 11:15pm in KL. What are you doing? (besides blogging, of course) :)

Delicate Flower said...

mrsn,

wow, you keep late hours. It's 8:34 AM on Friday over here. I have a doctor's appt at 10:00, so I am "working" from home till then.

Biasalah - when we hear something like this, the first reaction is to melenting. As long as we recognize that feeling, and take the time to sort it out, I think we should be fine. Don't be too hard on him or yourself (especially yoursel).

Hope said...

MrsN

I can totally relate to this. I would be upset too if I were in your shoes. Men are typical-when it comes to us, their wives-macam2 benda dia imagine dalam kepala otak dia. But when it comes to them, so many excuses...tu lah ni lah..

1. He should know you are sensitive to things like this- so don't do lah..

2. Why have to be so nice to other people? Penting snagat ke in the context of jaga hati isteri sendiri?

3. Who is more important? Lagipun-mati ke pompuan tu kalau tak drive down to PD? Mangkuk je angkut laki orang buat driver dia..

For those who don't feel the same, I am happy for them. But for sensitive ones like us, if we can't take it, we can't take it lah. No point trying to be westernised about this, kita orang Melayu, sopan santun beradab still very much in our heart. Would he like his wife to be confined in another man's car? Manis ke tu?

If you think you love your wife, wouldn't you want to make her happy and look after her feelings?

Sorry-but I do feel strongly about this. To me, this is who I am. Kalau tak suka, jangan kawin with woman like me-senang :-)

MrsNordin said...

Hi Hope,

Good morning!

You have a very strong feeling on this, ya? I like your point No. 3 ~ Mangkuk!

But you know what, after almost 6 hours of writing that piece and reading your comments, I'm not so angry anymore. Tapi entah lah, tomorrow may be a different story.

He still hasn't called tho' it's past midnight already. Usually, he would call before I go to sleep (about 10ish). Tengah bersuka ria lah tu! (see... my mind has gone frolic again...!)

Thanks for being supportive and have a nice day, woman!

MrsNordin said...

Hope,

I do hope he reads your comment coz you've said it all!

MrsNordin said...

DF,

Thanks again. Yes, I shouldn't be too hard on myself, and him.

Good luck with your doc's appt!

Superwomanwannabe said...

Ok BJ as spoken to you- there is a code of conduct that is unwritten about how a married man and married woman should behave in order to make sure that the hati of their loved one - is terjaga.

Driving some other woman's car, falls into conduct that normally occurs between couples who are close, so that is a total no brainer

trust etc does not come into this code of conduct because its just the way married people should behave. Such as, you don't go out for drinks wiht a male friend malam malam buta once you are married , and expect that your bf or husband to "understand"

BETOL TAK???

Anonymous said...

BJ, something likethis happenned to me before, just because they all nak pergi course boleh je naik any car with anyone, but men just don't get it, they thought that its so harmless no matter how many dalil you bagi. Men memang mangkuk dalam hal ni. Kita memang kena remind them many times- so sorry!!

MrsNordin said...

Anon,

Kah.. kah... kah... memang, payah betul nak get it into their head!!