Monday, June 02, 2008

When Love Ends



I was looking at this picture of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie over the weekend. A picture of bliss. She looks radiant, he looks happy. Both expecting twins any time now. No doubt she was a husband-stealer, but she made him a better man, so they say.

Then I thought of this picture, taken in the year 2000. Another picture of bliss.



Look, how happy they were on their wedding day. The man still looks happy today, albeit with a different partner, but the woman is still searching for love. How unfortunate.

Life is such, huh? So unfair to some people.

Over the weekend, I was engaged in endless conversations about MrNordin's cousin and his soon-to-be-ex-wife's story. My in laws, aunties, my husband, even children were all listening dilligently to the latest development and offered their two cents' worth on this matter whenever asked.

We went to visit her on Friday night; she looked ok but has lost a bit of weight. "Mas tak ada selera nak makan, kak Yati..", she uttered softly. Until today, I still can't believe that they are divorcing. There was no tell-tale signs, he just dropped the news like a bomb. That asshole! (pardon my French)

I can't believe people can fall out of love so easily and leave everything behind just because they've found someone else. In this case, we don't know yet if there's another woman involved but I can bet my bottom dollar, there is. No man would leave just like that if not for another woman. He won't just pull the plug and say, "Hey, I'm leaving coz I can't stand living with you anymore" and wants to live alone now. No way jose! It's either there's another woman or, another man.

Yes I know, people do fall out love but I think when you’re married, you have to try and make it work whichever way you can. To say something like, “My life has been miserable all this while..” after 12 years of marriage and 3 children is totally absurd ! To me, marriage is something very sacred. Once you’re married, you are married for life. Whatever differences you have with your spouse must be sorted out quickly and amicably. Stay married, for better or worse. Kalau susah, cari jalan macamana nak selesaikan masalah tu. Don’t just leave.

It’s so irresponsible of a man to drop everything behind just because you cannot stand your spouse’s face. What about the children? They were conceived in the heat of lovemaking, tapi masa tu tak de pulak menyampah dengan your wife? Sekarang ni pulak baru nak kata my life has been miserable all this while? Podah chit! I seriously have no respect for this kind of man!

Maybe I’m too na├»ve, or maybe I baru kawin 4 tahun, that’s why my premonition about marriage is still fairytale-like. But don’t think I haven’t gone through any failed relationship before. I have, and I know the feeling of being dumped by someone whom you have loved and devoted yourself to for many years. It’s painful. Perhaps not as not as bad as if I had been married to that person, but believe me, the pain was still severe.

I know some of you have gone through divorces before, and you survived. That's what I kept on telling Mas when I met her, "You have to be strong! Don't meddle in self-pity and don't you ever blame yourself for what happened because this is not your fault. You go to court (the ex-husband has filed in the court papers) and give him a good fight Don't let him bully you!"

This woman kept on reminiscing about her ex-husband, worrying whether or not he's been eating well when the ex doesn't even give a hoot about her anymore. The reason for his lafaz cerai was "isteri yang tak bertanggung jawab terhadap anak2". Why? Because one of those unfortune days, she let her eldest daughter took her 2-year old brother to the shop to buy some sweets. And the shop was just 50 meters away. She was having a headache at that time and couldn’t get up, so she let them go because the little boy was screaming for gula2. The husband came back, saw this, and terus mengamuk. Nak cari pasal, kan? Terus jatuh talak.

The wife is not working at the moment. She quit her banking job early this year because she had misused some loan which she had taken out for her husband. The husband was having some financial problems, so he asked the wife to use that money first (see, the blunder was caused by the husband jugak). She has rightfully paid back all the money, but because of that fiasco, the bank had asked her to leave. This, after being with the bank for more than 10 years.

So now that she’s out of job, the husband felt that she’s such a burden for him. Forced the wife to look for a job at Tesco (jadi cashier or angkat barang dengan Bangla, he said) because he was so desperate. So heartless, kan? There were times when the husband was out of job dulu and the wife had to tanggung him, never did she complain about it. Ni, baru 5 bulan tak kerja, dah kena cerai. Macamana tu?

To me, the husband is just an ungrateful man. The wife was so patient, I tell you. Jenis selalu kena kutuk by the husband depan orang ni, and yet she remained smiling and never answered him back for fear he would marah her back or leave her. One time a few years ago, they were fighting in the car. The husband just pulled over in the middle of the Federal Highway and pushed over the wife tepi highway tu. Tak ke kesian tu? She called MrNordin, crying, asking him to pick her up and her two small children who left by the roadside by her crazy husband. She broke an arm in the incident and had to be hospitalized. So sadist, kan? And yet she still took him back...

I hope this time around, she will NOT take him back regardless of how hard he begs her to. Oh, I’m sure he will come crawling back especially after he finds out that she’s got a job. And when that happens, I seriously hope she’d tell him to get lost because of the awful things that he had done to her. Kita orang perempuan ni must have some sort of dignity and respect for ourselves jugak, kan. Kalau orang dah buat kita macam tu, tak kan kita nak terima balik bulat2, betul tak? Macam kita ni tak ada harga diri. He has clearly stated that he doesn’t want her anymore, so why take him back? For him to change, I don’t think that will ever happen. So, I think she’s better off without him.

As for the children, I'm sorry they have to go through this. Three innocent children aged 11, 7 and 2, all caught in a sorry state because their father had fallen out of love with their mother. What do they know about divorce, right? All they want is for their mother and father to be back together under that same roof and be a happy family again like how they used to be. Sadly, that's not going to be the case for them anymore. I pray they will be strong to face the consequences and future of a broken family...

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

BJ,

Would u believe that in my husband's case, his ex-wife told him after 7 years of marriage that she NEVER loved him.... by then she had found someone else dah but lied to everyone that the husband was abusing her mentally and emotionally. I mean I can tell u they are related and HER mum was the one who broached the subject if he wanted her as a wife (b4 marriage) and she was never held at gun point to marry him. And she is not some kampung girl from ulu mana-2. She's an oncologist. A professional.

I actually am a believer of divorce. Why stay together if its unbearable for both or one parties? But talk it out, esp before getting anyone else (inlcuding another person to replace the soon to be ex) involved. Do not lie and make the other party look bad. Tak der baiknyer. But of course those types of divorces are hard to find but I know of a few who separated amicably.

Aida - tak dapat cuti sebab still under probation in the new job.

MrsNordin said...

After 7 years baru she realised that she NEVER loved him? Again, that's totally ridiculous! That was just an excuse for her to get out. Is she still single or has she married someone else?

Yes, some people say it's better to go our separate ways than be miserable throughout. But I truly believe, if there's a will, there's a way to work it out. Bottomline ~ both must love the marriage and work towards saving it. Besides, divorce is not the only answer to all marriage problems, right?

Anonymous said...

BJ,

She said she NEVER loved him to marry another man (another oncoloist nevertheless). She got married 3 months after her iddah ended. Then baru lah org lain yg termakan with her lies realised the truth. Her kids with her new husband are actually older than mine.

That is why when ppl know that I married a divorce (cos of my step-kids)I have to explain that it was her fault and not mine!

U are right about working at it if u want it to work. Tapi kalau nak get out, can make all sorts of excuses.

Aida - is in it for the long run.

Hope said...

mrsN

I think it is a huge blessing that the divorce happened in your cousin's case. Obviously she should not be with somebody as heartless as that. She has to look at this as a chance to start over and build again. It is not easy what with 3 kids, no work etcbut she will make it, god willing.

Liza Cheras said...

We decided to end it after both of us felt that things were not working the way we want it. I could never imagined I would go through a divorce after less than 2 years but when it happened kan MrsN, I was so lega albeit its an ugly thing for many ppl's perception, secara umumnya. Yelah, when his parent & family took control of our marriage, that was too much la. Nak work things out both of us pun impossible bcos I found out I was the lesser priority... Life is good to me cos I'm married again to a much loving person and a baby is coming soon..dgn ex dulu he wont let me tau. Masya-Allah speak about second chance.

A friend of mine is dealing with a cheating husband who lies to her face. With 2 babies she is bearing all the hurt tapi tetap want to stay in it. Kdg2 I admire her sbb sanggup mengalah bcos she believe things will turn around berkat kesabaran, for the sake of the kids. Kdg2 I simpati jugak sbb letting people bully and took advantage of her kindness..mcm ur wife's cousin ni. So sebijik..always forgiving. Geram jugak dengar sometimes. I just doakan things will work out for her.

Anonymous said...

Kesian Mas..but I think this is a blessing in disguise. Hope she'll find peace and happiness after this. As mothers to sons, we must bring up our sons to treat women with respect, and we must bring up our daughters to be independant and not take nonsense from the guys.

Busybody

MrsNordin said...

Aida,

I'm in it for the long run too! Insyaallah... :)

MrsNordin said...

Hope,

Coming from you, I think she'd be ok then.

MrNordin told me last night that the job offer is almost certain. I think she'll start work next week or something. Her court hearing is on 9th June. If you were here, I'd engage you as her lawyer! Hee.. Hee... just kidding. I know you don't do syariah . Need a woman lawyer for this sort of thing lah!

MrsNordin said...

Liza,

If there is a valid reason for the divorce, by all means, do it. Why suffer, right?

Family interference is another thing which I cannot tahan. I get that a lot in my marriage, but luckily my husband always stood his ground.

I cannot understand why they want to interfere in our lives ~ sikit2 ok lah, ini sampai nak pegi holiday pun kena mintak permission dulu, eh... mana boleh jadi! We are adult enough to know what's good for our family, right? So, stop meddling into our family affair.

About your friend tu, I salute her for being so sabar. Tapi kalau I, dah lama I pack my bags and leave :)

Congratulations on your second marriage. I'm glad to know you are happy with this one. And the baby... look forward to that one!

MrsNordin said...

Busybody,

Since this incident, I've been telling my daughters to make sure they have a job in future, and never ever depend on the husbands fully. One of my step daughters dulu, angan2 dia nak marry a rich man so she doesn't need to do anything. But now I think, she may have had a change of mind...

Madam Tai Tai said...

MrsN,

First of all, my sympathies for Mas and her children. It's not going to be easy for them to go thru this but for their own sanity they need to and come out as winners. There is no point to continue living with a husband/father who clearly prefers to live his own life.

Love between man and woman is a funny thing. It is unlike a mother's love for her children which is everlasting. A love that is borne out of passion and desire does have an expiry date. That's just the way it is.

Although for some the expiry date would last a tad longer, i.e up to his/her deathbed, the spouse/lover that is left behind would eventually find another to love.

Love for a lover evolves over time. We could love a person so intensely yet in the passing of time the feeling could change as we as an individual evolved. Some would continue to have loving relationships albeit of a different intensity and level, but for some the fire of desire and passion would eventually burnt out.

Sad to say when the latter happens, a relationship will be destroyed.

But there are second chances to love. Don't let a destroyed relationship cloud your mind to discover a new chance to love again.

And for Mas, she is still young to live a lonely life. I hope someday she will find a man who loves her more than she loves him. She should believe in second chances...

MrsNordin said...

Madam,

I truly believe she will meet someone else in the future ~ some one better, that is. She's a fine lady, takes good care of her children and husband, pandai masak, tak banyak cakap (unlike me!), and quite pretty. I've no doubt about her finding a second chance in love, all she needs is to forget about the past and start new. But it's easier said than done, huh??

pinkytoe said...

Greeting Mrs Nordin, just passing by and was reading your previous posts. Darn!! Dont we all wifey have to go thru same ol same ol

MrsNordin said...

Yes, pinkytoe... don't we all...