Monday, June 09, 2008

Meet the In-Laws

I was reading a friend's posting here about how she was first introduced to her husband's (then boyfriend) parents. Lucky girl... just how I always imagined it to be. Unfortunately in my case, meeting the in-laws was done in the most unconventional way.

I did not meet my MIL until my nikah day. She refused to see me, although my FIL was kind enough to meet up with my parents several weeks before the wedding. You see, for me, bab pinang meminang ni tak ada. MrNordin pegi sendiri jumpa my parents in Ipoh, along with his three children, to ask for my hands in marriage. Parents dia tak masuk campur langsung. Ya lah... he had been married before and he knew what to do. So buat sendiri je lah. Infact, they didn't know about me until the very last minute, altho' I think they kinda suspect it already somewhere along the 3-year courtship (they always saw a green car parked outside their son's house ~ so apa kisah? Hee.. hee...)

Once we decided that we wanted to get married, MrNordin had invited both my parents to meet up with his family at his house as a matter of introduction. My FIL, both my BILs and everyone in my family came, except for my MIL, who locked herself up in her room and refused to come out. My FIL had to apologize saying that his wife was not feeling well that night, but all of us knew the real reason why she didn't come. She didn't like me. She refused to accept that his son was getting married to someone else after the wife passing. And I was not "her choice".

Luckily, I was forwarned about this. And mine was not an exceptional case. In fact, when MrNordin first got engaged to MrsNordin #1, his parents didn't even turn up ! Why? They didn't like MrsNordin # 1 either (at first). So, after knowing about how weird his parents were, I pun buat tak kisah saja lah. Mak dia suka ke tak suka, I don't care. I wasn't marrying her, right? That's what MrNordin kept on telling me, and because of that, I pun sanggup lah terima segala cabaran yang bakal mendatang....

But I kesian my parents lah. First time jumpa future besan, the lady besan tak ada. Nampak sangat macam dia tak suka sangat kat kita ni. But I'm glad my parents were very understanding about it as MrNordin had explained to them many times before that first meeting. Also, I think they trusted him with me, so they played along with the game.

So on the nikah day itself, I was supposed to meet my MIL for the first time. Imagine my fear, knowing that this woman didn't like me and could potentially ruin the most important day of my life. I was thinking, what if she didn't turn up? What if she said nasty words to me? Tapi I nekad je lah... Baju nikah semua dah pakai, make up were all done. Tak kan tak pegi pulak, ya tak?

The nikah was held at Masjid Keramat. Everyone seemed so tense that day, I didn't know why. Maybe it was me, maybe it was the circumstances... I don't know. My family, aunties, uncles, cousins were all there. Some friends were there too, including a whole bunch of other people whom I’ve never met before. I guess, those must be from MrNordin' s side of the family. But I wasn’t worried about them; I was more worried about meeting my MIL.

That’s why on the nikah day, I was crying a lot. I was so nervous. I kept on holding on to my dear friends' hands ~ Intan & Dada ~ who kept vigil next to me throughout the ceremony. I kept on asking myself, what have I got myself into? Can I do this? Are you sure about this? I saw MrNordin's 3 small children sitting quietly beside their father in the masjid, lagilah I rasa sedih!!

Then, my MIL arrived. I heard someone said to me, "Yati, ini lah mak Din.." Oh my God! She was walking up the stairs when I first saw her and she had that serious look on her face, unsmiling. Punyalah I gerun masa tu! I extended my hands to salam her, but dia salam sikit je and walked straight into the masjid with her entourage. She didn't even look at me! Wouldn't you feel hurt? I was! Orang lain semua nampak serba-salah, but I put up a brave front and told myself, "Tak apa... sabar...!" Seeing MrNordin in his white baju melayu sitting down infront of the kadi waiting for the akad, reminded me of the very reason why I was there. So, that small incident with his mother did not deter me from marrying this man I loved.

The ceremony went well. After the nikah, doa selamat and sarung cincin, I had to go around and salam people. First, I salam my mother (I cried), then my father (I cried again). Then, I was led towards my MIL, who was sitting next to MrNordin's aunty, head down. Gosh... how I dread this part! I walked slowly towards her, very nervous. Everyone was watching. I extended my hands towards her. I was afraid she wouldn't take it but she did. So, I salam her and kissed her hands. No word was spoken, tho'. Airmata dah berguguran ni... takut plus sedih!

I was about to go, when suddenly she pulled me into her arms. She gave me a hug and kissed me on both my cheeks, and she cried!! Oh my... that was so unexpected! I was so touched! I didn't expect her to do that coz I knew she didn't agree to the marriage for whatever reasons she had. I didn't know what to do but I felt so relieved that she had finally softened up. I held here there for a while and cried my eyes out. Upon seeing this, everybody else also started to cry. I saw all the ladies merah2 mata menangis. Like, finally the ice queen had melted and everyone could be happy now. I was so relieved!

So drama, huh? Hee.. hee... That was how I first met my MIL.

My MIL is a nice lady, very much like my mother, but she can be quite difficult sometimes. I don't blame her, she has had a bitter experience in life. My FIL married a second one when she was pregnant with my youngest BIL, and she only knew about it years after that. She was very bitter about this, and still is now, after more than 30 years. They still fight about it, the second wife is still very much in the picture, and I don't think they'll ever make peace with each other.

The main reason why she was against MrNordin marrying me was because I am from Ipoh (the second wife is from Ipoh as well). I was like a bad 'chi' to her as it reminded her of her past. Not everyone from Ipoh is a husband stealer, right? That was just her perception. Overtime, I've proven to her that I'm not actually what she thought I was. My intention when I married MrNordin was to jaga anak2 dia and for him to take care of me in return. I think I've done well in the children's department and we are happy as a family. So everyone else is secondary.

Whenever I see my MIL, I just be nice to her. I don't go overboard in trying to please her. Dulu, masa mula2 dulu ada lah jugak I tried to ambik hati dia. Beli kain lah, tudung lah, baju lah... Tapi semua yang I bagi, semua dia tak suka and were returned. Ahh... malas lah I nak bagi dia benda lagi lepas tu! So now when she complained that I never give her anything, I buat tak tau je. Kalau pegi mana2, we'll buy something for her, itu pun kalau ada terjumpa. Kalau tak, we don't. Kadang2, my husband sendiri kata tak payah beli untuk mak dia.

With this kind of MIL, one has to be extra patient. Cannot be over-sensitive; kalau tidak sure gaduh punya. I, for one, tak suka gaduh. Kalau my MIL call me and scream at me on the phone (oh yes, she's done that before), I just passed the phone to MrNordin. "B, you talk to your mother." Malas nak layan, buat sakit hati je. Most of the time, MrNordin is very supportive. I'm glad for that. Kalau tak, dah lama I angkat kaki ! Hee.. hee...

For those of you who have nice MIL, wonderful! Some MILs I know are very nice towards their DILs. For those who don't, just bear with them and try to be nice. That's all you need to do. Jangan fikir banyak2 sangat, nanti merana badan.

Cheers!


Mr & MrsNordin after akad nikah

(Ignore the date on the photo, it's wrong. The actual date is 17/01/2004)

41 comments:

Anonymous said...

aiyoyo BJ....

*gulp...tatutnya caya!..gulp*

*k.julie*

p.s will comment later! hehehe

MA & Brood said...

For those of you who have nice MIL, wonderful! Some MILs I know are very nice towards their DILs. For those who don't, just bear with them and try to be nice...


Or....cari la anak yatim piatu.

Hehe...

Delicate Flower said...

mrsN - you one brave woman! Kudos to you! I married an only child, so MIL had no choice but to be nice to moi...I am the only one she's got :-).

I rasa mentua omputih ni lain sikit kot - she doesn't expect much from me. I treat her like any decent malay daughter in law would treat her MIL - and in return, she loves me and introduces me as her "daughter" - and always takes my side when I have disagreements with her son! Sometimes, husband cakap "hello, I am the son here!".

Anyway, you are right, we have to bear with our MILs, good or bad. Afterall, we have to accord them the same love and respect we do our own mom (not always easy, I know). But, a bit easier than finding anak yatim piatu to fall in love with...he he he

MrsNordin said...

K.Julie,

Takut, is it? Itu lah Ibu Mertua ku.. hee.. hee..!

MrsNordin said...

Ma,

Kah! Kah! Kah! I laughed out loud when I read your comment! Memang... cari anak yatim piatu lagi senang! :)

MrsNordin said...

DF,

You are so lucky your MIL is a kind lady. I guess omputih memang macam tu kut... tak masuk campur sangat dalam hal rumah tangga kita. And I suppose, you yourself pun tak banyak kerenah. That's why she loves you like that!

wanshana said...

BJ,

Bergenang air mata I when I read the part after you salamed her after nikah tu... Sobs...

Your MIL seemed like one tough cookie to crack, huh? I guessed after being married to MrN for some time you now know how to "handle" her so that you tak makan hati, kan? Penting tu, BJ! Kalau tak, sakit jiwer big time!

I've heard of worse MILs, so, we should bersyukur with who we have for our MILs kan?

MrsNordin said...

You're absolutely right, Shana. There are worse MILs. So just be happy with what we have.

About managing her well, entahlah Shana. I'm just being myself. I don't think I'm her favourite DIL, but I don't care anyway. Just don't try to rule our lives, that's all I ask from her. But she still doesn't get it...

Madam Tai Tai said...

BJ, cerita your first meeting with your MIL memang menang all the other cerita2 'Meeting the MILs'. Hands down!

There were definitely no dry eyes at the mosque when she hugged you. Semua orang menangis gembira...

Despite the tepid relationship I have with my own MIL, I'm still glad that she's my MIL and I didn't have to go thru what you went thru dulu. Kalau tidak memang tak kahwin la I dengan MrS.

Unlike the Westerners, when we marry our husbands we have to marry his entire family too. IF we are lucky his family will love us like their own daughter/sister. However, if we are unlucky we remain to be an outsider sampai la ke tua.

I know my FIL loves me like his own. Tapi my MIL ni susah sikit nak open her heart to let me in. I'll always be her son's wife, never her daughter.

But like you said..kenalah banyak2 bersabar. And alhamdullilah juga now that we are well apart from each other, I tak de la terasa hati sangat2 macam dulu. (MrS...make sure you find another posting at the end of this year!!!!!!)

Anonymous said...

Bj, meleleh air mata I baca your entry, tak sangka you kena lalui benda macam tu. Kalau I mmg kecut perut dah back off dah. You memang caya lah!!!! You know that you berhati mulia!!! Congrats to Intan and Dada too yg berani menemani! I belum tentu berani macam you guys!Fr a fren yg penakut.

MrsNordin said...

Madam,

It was so sad, kan? When I looked back at the video, baru I perasan that I was crying all the while! That episode is truly unforgettable. You also cried, kan?

Some people say, MIL will never be 100% happy with their DILs. Lucky you are now far away from your MIL. Tak de lah terasa sangat with her...

As far as I can remember, you're always looking for that kind of acceptance from your MIL. Perhaps she's a cold person, I don't know... but there's nothing wrong with you, ok?

And you always got upset when she treated your children differently from her other cucus. Despite me telling you to drop it, you still tak puas hati. Imagine kalau you dapat MIL like mine, hee.. hee... agak nya dah lama you panjat pagar lari dari rumah!

Hey, even if she couldn't accept you as her own daughter, so what? You have your own mother, right? So be it.

Anonymous said...

I married an anak yatim piatu, and I was anak yatim when we were married. But my hubby has many siblings and very close to them too, but they were and still are very nice to me. I don't have sisters, and my SILs become my sisters. I'm thankful for the extended family. But I feel I am not a very warm person, initial stage, so I hope I'll be a good MIL..

Busybody

MrsNordin said...

Hello fren yang penakut,

Kecut perut tu, memanglah kecut perut. Tapi cinta punya pasal... sanggup! Heh.. heh...

I pun tak tau how I managed to get through that day. I suppose, knowing that MrNordin would be there for me made me feel stronger. Intan & Dada were great help as well. Intan held my hand throughout, sampai sakit2lah tangan dia I genggam, takut punya pasal! Hee.. hee...

MrsNordin said...

Busybody,

Sedih pulak I baca comment you.... Tak apa lah, at least your SILs are nice to you. What's important is your immediate family. If you're happy with your hubby and children, everything else is secondary.

I don't what kind of MIL I will be, but definitely NOT like my MIL, ok? Hee.. hee...

U take care!

Anonymous said...

BJ,

My MIL was a nice makcik when I met her, but the day I married her son, she became a very cerewet MIL.

Now, I just do whatever makes me and my family happy.

The deal is, if my darling husband does not back me up when facing his mother, I won't back him up when facing my mother hehehehehe tit for tat. And it works (in my caselah). My mum is not cerewet but when she gives her opinion, u kena respond unlike my mil, kalau u tak suka u shut up and buat ajer what she says. SO there are two schools of thots. Sometimes causes clashes but Alhamdulillah I still selamat ehhehehe

Aida

busymum100 said...

I've been married for over 27 years now, and i would describe my relationship with my MIL as "a love-hate" one. I used to try my best to please her, just to get disappointed. On the other hand, she can be very caring too. DH is the eldest, so i was the 1st menantu to her (and her hubby who's forever kind and loving). 15 years later, only did she get another DIL, and i was the happiest person then - the duty of a DIL was no longer downed onto me alone ;-) Never mind of the 2nd DIL is much nicer than me, I couldn't care less. To be a bit off the spotlight is just so good!
Now she has another DIL (3 altogether). I still try to please her from time to time (she's one cerewet lady even her son can't stand!) but no more I try that hard :-)

Madam Tai Tai said...

Kalau cerita pasal MIL ni memang tak ada penghujung nya. 10 out of 1 the stories will not be about 'how lovely my MIL is and how I love her very much'.

However, we don't necessarily talk in the negative tone about our FILs. Apasal lak, ek? I'm sure not all FILs are great, right? Still...penangan dia tak seteruk MILs to DILs.

MIL..oh..MIL..

Hope said...

Nice...

My 1st MIL, on the meminang day, she cried buckets infront of my parents apologising for not knowing all the right protocols (??!)

My 2nd MIL, was ok because she doesn't speak a word of English pakai main sign language je...:)

All my SILs (in my own family) nowadays always reminisce the time my mom was still healthy and how difficult having her as their MILs!! She almost drove one of my SIL into committing suicide..:)

Emma said...

I did not meet my first MIL bcos she passed away long time ago..however I was constantly compared to her by FIL as I was then staying at their place. So RIMAS I tell u. Not a single day without her story. Sigh.. I left bcos my ex-hubs sided his family more..unlike MrNordin who stood his ground, for the sake of rumahtangga kita.

My 2nd MIL, the first time I met her, dissaproves first sbb I miss Jane-dear(ahaks!) second sbb I orang KL yg tak pakai tudung..sigh. She didn't smile at me and asked me many many question...oh awkward sekali.

However, I grew to like her now as she is much nicer to me and joke a lot.. PHEW!

Emma to Mdm Tai Tai said...

Madam Tai Tai speaking of FIL.. I really cannot tahan my first FIL. At first he was nice lar...after marrying his son..aiyo.. Everything I do kena compare to his late wife. Although I kept reminding myself..aku kawin dgn anak kau, bukan engkau! lama-lama telinga pun naik bebulu. Mcm I am not good enough plus I CANNOT TOUCH anything at home as left by my late MIL! Fyi, arwah dah pergi more than 8 years. Bcos my-ex is anak tunggal..if my ex spend more time with me..dia merajuk(smtimes I suspect crying) and will lock himself up in his room. Then both of them will stay in there for hours while I'm alone by myself smpai kena tido sorang, boleh?? However my ex loves him sooo much despite perangai FIL yg bitter probably he is only nasty to others not to his family... Finally I pun cabutlah kalau ini macam smpai We both cannot discuss our life and having kids... Glad I got a new life now dgn FIL yg rileks & serupa orang lain.

MrsNordin said...

Aida,

Wah... ada pulak tit for tat, ya? MrNordin is lucky my mother is so nice to him (well... he is a nice man, so who wouldn't?). My SIL also is lucky that she has my mother as her MIL.

To me, once anak2 dah kawin, janganlah masuk campur sangat. Yes, you can still show your care & concern, but let them run their own lives. Just be happy with whatever decisions they make. They're adults anyway. I'm sure if they have any problem, they'll turn to you.

Malas nak bukak cerita MIL ni. Cukup sampai disini saja lah, ya... :) Bye!

MrsNordin said...

Busymum,

Why do I get the feeling that your MIL is the same like my MIL? Hee.. hee... No need to please anyone, dear. Just follow your heart and be yourself!

MrsNordin said...

Madam,

I guess, FILs are more relaxed, except for Emma punya case lah. They are normally more rationale than MILs, that's why...

I think, it's the "woman thing" lah with MIL ni...

MrsNordin said...

Hope,

Your mum must be one garang MIL, huh? I think, you will become one, too! Hee.. hee...

MrsNordin said...

Emma,

I tergelak baca your comment. Strange jugak cerita you ni. People usually have issues with MIL, you dengan FIL pulak! Macam2 dunia ni, eh?

If I was in your shoes, I'd probably have done the same thing. Why tak pindah je? Oh ok, the son needs to take care of the father. Has your ex re-married? Just wondering...

MrsNordin said...

Emma,

On another note, perhaps you & ex should have gotten your FIL a new wife instead! Hee.. hee..

wanshana said...

BJ,

You and MrNordin make a splendid and handsome couple indeed - I just love the pic on your akad nikah day (and I wouldn't have suspected that you cried your eyes out earlier, if you hadn't told us here!)

Both of you looked very radiant, very happy :) - no MILs could do anything to change that. And whenever and IF ada glitches every now and then, just remember that akad nikah day, okay?

Take care!

Emma lagi hehe.. said...

I did suggest moving to another place nearby so we can have 'our space' tapi tak dilayan..

FIL was devoted to late MIL. Kalo i citer sume org cam impress how romantik he can be..hari2 citer/teringat kat arwah. Kalo nak kawin..he is too old, org kata ada ke yang ndak? Ahaa...

My ex has remarry, shortly after I did. I hope everything works out for three of them :)

Btw, I wore silver too for my 2nd nikah sebijikkk.. & u both look seiras n glowing.

MrsNordin said...

Shana,

Looking at that picture, memang no one could have guessed what I had gone through before that. Itu gambar tengah betul2 relieved tu!

Mengingatkan kisah kawin I, memang sedih. Let's put it this way lah, orang happy bila tengok gambar kawin diaorang. My wedding pictures bring sad memories to me. And why is that??

Nanti I cerita lagi, ok? :)

MrsNordin said...

Emma,

Cinta tu memang lah cinta, tapi your FIL cannot be selfish like that. Life has to go on... and jangan menyusahkan orang lain, ya tak? Pelik lah orang macam tu..

I think you ex tu was just looking for someone to look after his daddy kut when he married you. Tak pa lah... pahala dia jaga bapak dia.

As for you, you're happy now with your new life, hooray!! No more sakit hati!!

Madam Tai Tai said...

Btw, Mr & Mrs Nordin - you guys looked resplendant in the picture.

Waterlily said...

Wah BJ

I like your pics - cantik bergaya!

In my case, dear hubby is the eldest son - i can say, favourite of the parents. He has 6 siblings - 4 of whom are elder sisters. And 3 of whom are not married yet and very protective of their brother!

Imagine...jangan tak imagine...I will share my story in good time, watch my space.

MrsNordin said...

Madam,

Thanks! That's you behind me, did you notice that?

MrsNordin said...

Waterlily,

I can imagine so...

Madam Tai Tai said...

Really?! And I believe that the other lady is Verdi's wife, ya? If yes, no wonder she looked familiar.

Eh..I nampak kurus 4 years ago, ek? Well...kurus dari side profile la sans the big butt sebab terlindung dgn gambar you. Ha..ha..ha..

MrsNordin said...

Madam,

Hello... you have always been kurus, ok? And yes, the other lady is Verdi's wife.

jabishah said...

Hi Mrs.N,
Wow... look at you. So glowing & your Mr.N too. Was this pic taken before or after the drama? Of course after... what wld dear MIL say, posing2 dulu before salam her. No evidence at all that you cried...
Seriously, yours is the most kecut perut meet the in-laws version that I know. And the way you took control... I like ;-)
Enjoy your weekend.

MrsNordin said...

Jabishah,

That picture was taken AFTER the incident. My make-up tak smear because I purposely told my friend who did my make up not to put mascara, and make up tebal2 sikit. That's why macam maintain. But if only you knew how I felt at that time..... kecut perut!

IBU said...

Weiiii...banyak nyer nangis! hehehh... macam hindi movie plak. Anyway, nasib baik makeup tebal youuuu....

Glad it went well finally.

MrsNordin said...

Ibu,

Ya... kalah Tamil movie!

Anonymous said...

Hi I came from Shila's blog and your blog is pretty interesting. This is my fav post to date ! I hope to catch up on your blog entries. I laughed during the part where all the makcik x2 pun menangis. -The Anon-