Friday, May 22, 2009

Lessons in Love

I’ve finished reading that Goldie Hawn book. Very inspiring.

For a big star that she is (or was), she is actually quite ordinary. She worries over the same things, she cares about the same things, and she aspires to be just like any of us, that is, to be a good mother.

The only difference I picked up from my reading is how she treats her relationship with Kurt Russell. They’ve been together since 1983 and yet, they never marry. And why is that? It’s because she doesn’t believe that a marriage certificate is the only thing that could keep two people together and happy. “Been there, done that” she quips.

Putting aside the moral issue of living together out of wedlock, I think she has some good points to ponder about relationships. She says, eventhough they are not married, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to work hard at the relationship. Infact, it makes her work harder.

Everyday I wake up with the intention to be happy and the best that I can be. I try to make each day a new day. I try to remind myself each morning why I am in love. And when there are differences, I try to put myself in the other person’s shoes so I can feel what they are feeling, not just what I’m feeling. I try to look with four eyes instead of just my two”.

She also talks about keeping the flame burning, which I find quite fascinating. She says,

I know it isn’t easy to keep the flame burning. People grow comfortable with each other, or they become creatures of habit. And they are always not in tune with their partners. Sometimes, when you have been in a relationship for a while, you get bogged down with a lot of negativity and dullness, and you get tired of dealing with all that stuff.

One trick when you’re feeling down about your relationship is to imagine life without the other. It is a very scary thing to ask yourself to do, because when you do it, you really get the sense of what your world looks like. Maybe you’ll like it better, in which case the relationship is probably over. But more often than not, you’ll see a huge void
.


Then she goes on to explain how to deal with the void:

If you feel that void, if you feel sadness, then take out some pictures and remind yourself what you were once like. Laugh together at how young and stupid and how crazy you both were, or even how you looked. Photos are great triggers of memories and emotions. Ask yourself if you too have changed.”

Reading this particular chapter makes me come to my senses. Why am I angry all the time? Why am I always unhappy? I shouldn’t be too critical of my loved one. I shouldn’t try to make him what I want him to be. I should rejoice in our differences!

A philosopher Khalil Gibran once wrote about marriage, “Stand together, yet not too near together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart.” How very apt!

On that note, Ms Hawn has this to say about her man:

There is nothing more unpleasant for me to see a man stripped of his power. I’ve watched it happen in my own home. It is far better to respect a man who has his own life, his own excitement, his own passion. Celebrate that in him, honour his variety and his power.

The next time you ask, “Why didn’t you call? Why were you late for dinner? Why didn’t you pick up the milk? Or continue to jab at what you view as his weaknesses, ask yourself, is this what you want to end up with? Is this your intention, to tame the beast? Is that the prize? The man who just says “Yes, dear” and falls asleep in the armchair every night?

Be careful what you wish for, because you might end up stripping away the vitality, the sexual energy of the man who you once thought as your knight in shining armor.”

Does that ring a bell?

A good read, try and grab a copy.

21 comments:

azIEda said...

Dear MrsNordin,
Excellent review on goldie hawn. however there is a point i want to ponder about relationship. It is important to be with the person you love so much.. for when there is love there isnt too much trouble.. a point where goldie mentioned to recap if that man of your life isnt there, how would you feel? to me, if there was any element of love , yes we cringed at the thought of losing him, but if there isnt love at all.. many relationship i knew of need basics one.. good riddens to bad rubbish la..:))

Superwomanwannabe said...

Thanks for the review and ok I wont nag him so much anymore although I think both our husbands will let us know in their own subtle (ha!)way when they have had enough of our leteran heheheh

However I want to say here very very clearly that being comfortable with each other and being able to take each other for granted is A PRIVILEGE and is something GOOD ok , because it means you have that stability between you. I dont think that automatically means you can treat that person like scum though or less well than when you married that person.

I supposed now when hubby is acting up I will just let him go for it because if he has no other outlet at least let him vent his frustrations at work at you or kids as long as you know that that is what is happening.

Am i even making sense?

Also marry someone you have a lot of fun with cause that never goes away I hope

And Goldie was a coward I think to not marry, yah yah ,love does not need a certificate but the certifi ate validates your commitment and gives very serious responsibilities that you have iN LAW and anyone who avoids it with the reason that they do not need it basically to me, (im being harsh and generalising) are afraid to be tied down to all that.

And are they still together though?

SORRY panjang!

MrsNordin said...

Azieda,

This thing called "love" is quite subjective, isn’t it? Like she says, sometimes when we've been together for a long time, we tend to get bogged down with a lot of negativity and dullness. We get tired of dealing with it.

Perhaps the love is still there, but it’s clouded by other issues and negative sentiments which make us forget that this is the man who we truly love and still do after all this time.

When it comes to love, I strongly believe we have to keep on reminding each other of how much we love each other. Not by mere words, but by other unspoken means as well. And never take each other for granted coz once you lose that person, you might regret it forever.

But on hindsight, if the other person made your life miserable and there is no way he’s gonna change no matter how hard you’ve tried, then perhaps, like you said, he’s a good riddance. You're better off alone.

Back to the question, do I cringe when I think how my life would be like without my husband? Not at the moment, but does it mean I don’t love him anymore? Does it mean my relationship is doomed? Perhaps when he comes home tonight, I might have a different view on this!

Thanks for your thoughts.

MrsNordin said...

Shila,

When I wrote that particular point (Why are you late?), I thought about you ~ seriously! Hee.. hee.. we nag all the time, don't we? Either that, or we don't talk at
all!

Yes, I agree being comfortable with each other is a privilege we get after being married, but it should not be abused. We must keep that little respect for each other to make that person feel important in the relationship.

I like your point about marrying someone you have a lot of fun with. I sure do have a lot of fun with Nordin and for that, I thank my lucky star!

Do you seriously think she's a coward for not wanting to make that commitment? She had been married before, twice infact and both didn't work out. But her relationship with Kurt lasted more than 26 years now, longer than anyone of us has with our partner. What does it tell us?

The same thing with, why some people can go out with their partners for 8, 10 years but once they are married, they break up? Does the commitment make them want to get out of the relationship?

I don't know, quite hard to say.

Thanks for your thoughts. I love you, girlfriend!

Eta My said...

Dear Bj..

Thx for sharing... a good summary!...you always remind me about our relationship dengan tak lain tak bukan...our Mr....a good reminder esp to me..yg sekarang sgt sibuk dgn baby..sgt penat juger!...

Kalu itulahtakdirNya...saya Pasrah!

MrsNordin said...

Eta,

Don't worry... you are a good mother and a loving wife. With your prayers, I'm sure nothing bad will happen to your marriage.

Why I like to write about all this (ie. our Mr)? Because this matter is very close to my heart.

Anonymous said...

Girl,

See, if MrN wants to be with the boys (without you being invited), biarkan. Just remind him not to forget that carton of milk from the 7-Eleven on his way back.

Get the drift?

Jim

MrsNordin said...

Jim,

Hee.. hee...

No, I'd go to the shop myself to get that carton of milk, just like I did last Sunday night, when he goes out with the boys.

Am I a brilliant wife or what?

edelweiss said...

Mrs.N,

thank u..thank u!

it's a gud reminder!

the principal said...

Mrs Nordin,

when I read your posts & the comments, sometimes takut jugak. I baru kahwin 9 years, basically takde issue sgt. Your posts & the comments selalu make me wonder macam mana ye kalau dah kahwin lama sgt? Is it going to be very complicated, how should I prepare myself etc...sounds so scary

IBU said...

MrsN,

Can i grab ur copy? ekekeke.... cost savings in tough economic climate maa... Lots to learn from experience of others.

Btw - in my case, I pulak yang selalu balik lambat (remember my posting on Blomb Bondshell? hubby jer yg kena tunggu I... sigh...kesian dia).

I pun banyak kali jugak tersilap twist & turns, laser mouth, etc, etc. I guess I must try harder to try not to make mistakes, but if I do make mistakes, both parties (me & hubby) just have to be open to learn from those mistakes to avoid recurrence. Saying sorry macam susah jer kan. Kadang2 I kena remind myself to just swallow my pride, and remind myself of my stature as the wife rather than the working women.

I personally wish I could & would always treat people how I would like to be treated. Tall order. Sbb kadang2 kita lupa, lalai & terlebih fikir yg pelik2 sampai terlupa some very simple basics, to be loved & be respected, I sendiri must first be willing to love & respect. And that includes, respecting differences of opinions, valuing the differences rather than picking fights over them.

I ni kan, mmg kadang2 tu suka lah meng-complicated kan a simple problem at home. Ha!ha!ha! Kesian hubby ku itu! Dia agaknya wonder - apa hal la bini aku ni lebih2? benda kecik jadi besar, yack, yack, yack, nag, nag, nag. Nak buat cam mana kan, org pompuan!! Cam tu lah!!! hehehe...

Like I said, it's a tall order MrsN. I'm also still learning.

I have to remind myself, I myself ada banyak weaknesses or shortcomings that I'm sure can be easily be fulfilled by other women (alamak...seramnyer bila type ni). So I must learn to accept my other half weaknesses & shortcomings too so that he would, hopefully, reciprocate to accept mine.

WaAllahualam.....

Good luck to us women, wives, mothers - in our pursuit & commitment to uphold the marriage institution yg kita dah terima akad nya, in it's pure & basic intention from the perspective of Islam.

Hopefully we would not be easily blinded by commercialisation & the so called modernisation of the marriage institution.

God help me!!!

azIEda said...

MrsNordin,
Now tell me how to invite you to my blog.. lol. im really so gatek (gagau teknologi)at this matter.I too love to read your postings. they are so inspirational and also thought provocating too.. fun .. keep the spirit up. you make my ever dull moment so lovely. thanks.

MrsNordin said...

Principal,

You've been married for 9 years and no issue sangat? Good for you! Cherish that! I've only been married 5 years and yet there ARE many issues. Sometimes, it's not really a big deal, it's just my mind thinking and making a big issue out of it. :)

I think, we all have to work hard at our marriages. We can't be complacent. But both have work hard at keeping the marriage alive. Then it'll work. Either that, or learn to be tolerant of each other's differences. Then it'll work.

MrsNordin said...

Ibu,

Some people say, treat your spouse like your best friend. Talk to him about your greatest fear, your best moments, your inner secrets...

I used to do that when we were dating, but now we are married, yes, we do tell each other all those things, but we lose that respect that best friends have towards each other.

We don't yell at our best friends, do we? We don't nag at our best friends. We are very forgiving towards our best friends, don't we? Why can't we do the same to our spouse? Just like how it was before we were married?

I tried to do that many times, but the failure rate is quite high. I think it's because of complacent, taking each other for granted. I really should try harder!

On saying sorry, just swallow your pride and say it. It'll make life so much easier...

p/s Sure you can borrow my copy. Just let me know when and how.

MrsNordin said...

Azieda,

My e-mail is ladyluck_m2001@yahoo.com. Invite me by including my email in your invited readers.

Thanks!

VersedAnggerik said...

Definitely will try to grab a copy!

Very enlightening, I would say, that bits and pieces U shared here!

Zendra said...

Hi MrsNordin, a very good read this article is. Putting it in my own context, hubby and I have been married almost 30 years and yup, we have grown comfortable with one another. If there is no him, there WILL be a void for me. I can say that whatever little growth I experienced was due to him. Once in a while he laments about missing the romance, but then when I snuggle up to him, he lets out a huge loud PAWWWWRT!!! and he complains about romance (rolls-eyes!). But there you go, you gotta take the whole package... cos what's inside is what matters

Hopped over from kama kata :-D

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

MrsN,

:). I am no expert in marriage as I have already been in the wedlock for less than 10 years. Indeed, there is truth in the words of Ms Hawn. Why must we strip our men off the his true nature, that is being a man?

Honestly, when dullness (in marriage) seems to rule over my head, I too would resort to that fantasy world of mine. I was almost drown in the intoxicating virtual world, but then I kept on reminding myself about the one I am attached to. I know this sounds pretty ugly, but I have to or I'll die in boredom.

I have to, la MrsN, if not I'll get cranky and I don't think my significant other would tolerate it. Of course, I won't give myself to unnecessary feelings to this fantasy of mine, I need someone to just listen and not be judgmental.

Perhaps one would think this is totally ridiculous, as it would hurt the other party, but so far I am doing OK. I am in my own world in which I am alone but never lonely. It compliments my life as I am more appreciative to what I have in reality. It works to me just fine, so far.

MrsNordin said...

Versed Anggerik,

Thank you!

MrsNordin said...

Zendra,

Only just now I was reading Harian Metro about this Ustaz Akhil xx who has abandoned his wife becoz of another woman. So sad.. anak berderet! And yours lasted almost 30 years? Well done! You deserve a big applause from all women out here!

I don't know if mine would last that long but I sure want to grow old with my husband; alone - that is!

MrsNordin said...

Ida,

I think, fulfilling one's fantasy in the virtual world is ok as long as you know where to draw the line. Problem starts when things get out of hand.

One rule: never reveal your marriage problem to the opposite sex. This is an absolute no! If you had a problem with your husband, talk to him, not to another man. That has always been my stand.

For me, Nizzar keeps me occupied. If I didn't have that little rascal, I'd probably go crazy too and indulge in entah apa2.

Take care!