Monday, May 18, 2009

Was I Selfish?

I'm not one who would jump at a sudden outburst of emotion from my loved ones, but last night was a different story.

We were lying in bed, pondering what to have for dinner when my husband received a phone call from his cousin & brother. They wanted to take him out for dinner ~ "a birthday treat", they said. Fine.

But a thought suddenly crossed my mind, "Why is it whenever they asked you out, they never include me? Why do they always ajak you alone?"

He kept quiet. "I don't know lah.. I suppose when they all ajak I, ajak you sekali lah kut. Nak pegi ke? Jom lah!" (macam tak ikhlas je..)

No, thank you.

"I don't really want to go, but wouldn't it be nice if they had asked, "Ajaklah Yati sekali..". Ini tak, it's always you alone. Kalau I yang ajak diaorang, I'd always include their spouses!"

At this point, my husband mula naik hangin.

"I don't know lah, B... I don't know why they don't ajak you sekali! Maybe I'll call them and ask them now!"

I kept quiet.

"No need", I said. "I'm just saying, it would be nice to be asked, not that I want to go anyway. They know I'm at home and it's only proper if they had asked!"

My husband tak puas hati.

"You're asking me an impossible question, something which I don't have an answer to. Why don't they ajak you? I don't know! It's the same thing like why your friends never ajak me when they want to go for coffee with you!"

I interjected, "No, I always include you when I go out with my friends..."

He said, "No, I was only included because you asked me to!" (then he slammed the door to the bathroom)

I didn't understand why he was so mad. I was just asking why they asked him out alone. Yeah, it was a birthday treat, fine. Tapi ajaklah the wife sekali, kan? Just for courtesy sake. Bukannya I nak pegi sangat pun!

The room suddenly felt very hot and I had to get out. So I quickly changed, took my car keys and drove out with Nizzar. Rasa nak nangis... He was still in the bathroom when I left.

When I got home, he has already left. I didn't know what time he got in. Even this morning, we didn't really speak to each other.

Tell me, was I wrong to ask him that question? Should I just shut up, gave him my sweetest smile and said, "Pegilah yang... have a good time...." when deep inside, I wished he would have spent the rest of the evening with me?

40 comments:

Madam Tai Tai said...

BJ,

What you are feeling is so normal. Generally all wives would like their husbands to spend their free time with them, rather than with their buddies. And unfortunately our husbands do like to spend time with their buddies too. That is soooooo normal. Kalau ada lelaki yg tak macam tu, it is either dia org ni tak de kawan or sememangnya a homebody. These people are so rare - satu dlm 10,000 agaknya.

Sadly, neither yours or mine is this 'satu'.

VersedAnggerik said...

lets berbaik sangka eh?

maybe its a men's kinda thing. U know like when we women hang out together and bitch about everything beneath the sun?

MrsNordin said...

MTT,

I can't wait for you to come back! Then we can do our coffees at night. Then he'd know how it feels like to be left at home!

But you know what? I would have asked him to come along if we were to have our coffee dates at night. It's only proper. You would do the same too if Chepul was around.

MrsNordin said...

Hi VersedAnggerik,

No, I tak berburuk sangka with my husband. I'm just annoyed that he's happily out with his friends while I'm stuck at home with the kids!

Kak Ezza@makcik Blogger said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Roti Kacang Merah said...

fuh, ni dah cukup baik you tak mengamuk. coz i certainly would!

by the way kak Puan, do tell your hubby that when friends ajak keluar yang tak include spouses (like, perhaps, your friends ajak you and tak include dia, and vice versa) can be perceived normal.

but when family member(s) tak ajak the spouse sekali???

maaaaaaaan, too much for my taking, lah! ni yang nak jadi batu api, nih!!!

hahahahaha

Aida said...

BJ,

When other ppl are concered do not expect ur DH to know... I think that's why he's miffed about it... But if I was in your shoes, even if no one asked me out jugak I would have gone if I wanted to. So what, I'm the wife and I ikut if I want to, EVEN if no one asked me. I've done this a couple of times and at most times found myself left out of their conversations cos they are mostly very technical ppl and they only talk shop (about work).

Now I rahter be asleep at home with the kids whenever he goes out. I also makes sure he goes out after the children are asleep and whenever I have my girls time out, he does not need to be included cos its my time.

Again, neiher him nor u have control of his friends' invites.... so it should not affect u both yer.

Take it easy dear.

Hugs.

(just my two cents.)

UrbAnWiTch said...

Hello again..

I think you were not selfish. you just asked a question that even Mr.N could not answer.

so, its more like "Do i ask challenging questions?"

Take it easy.Smile babe.

somuffins said...

MrsN.. are u in good terms with his cousin n his brother? If you do, then you've nothing to worry about. Hubby balik cepat ke lambat?

kay_leeda said...

As for me, ajak ker tak ajak ker, I won't bother coz I know I'll be bored to death. Different wave length, different pitch and at times boys just wanna be boys. Let 'em be lah.

Likewise, coffee with my girlfriends (he knows most of the girls from uni days too) ohhh...he also won't bother showing face.

Selfish you are?? Nahhh..so cheer up okay :)

Playing with Mimi.. said...

Happy Belated Bday to MrN.. i have been missing a lot of postings. And i hope you are feeing much better now :)

No lah, what you are feeling is normal.. at least to me. But looking at it from the guys perpective, maybe they all wanted to hang out with the guys aje. I'm sure if wives included then they would have extended the invitation to you too.

Cheer up MrsN.. kiss & make up ok!

Lyana Mauseth said...

kak,

i would react the same mcm u...and ur conversation dgn ur husband...mcm dialog i jugak bila jd kes2 mcm ni haha

sabar byk2 k...*hugs*

Busybody said...

Mrs N,

My husband sometimes goes out for coffee with his buddies too. I don't mind coz I sometimes go out for my own thing too.

It's just a small misunderstanding coz he may be a bit miffed by the question. It's just a male ego thingy.

Don't think too much into it. Just kiss and make up. Take care!

Anonymous said...

Girl,

Don't read too much into it. You don't know what you have until you don't have it. Ingat selalu.

And here is another suggestion. Resolve all disagreement before going to bed. Not only will you get a restful sleep, you will age slower and gracefully.

Now go and make up, if you hadn't already.

Jim

MrsNordin said...

Ezza,

Eloklah kalau abang you include you wherever he goes. Entahlah, malaslah nak cerita pasal ni lagi. But thanks for your comment, anyway!

MrsNordin said...

RKM,

You have a point, relatives must include spouse, kan? Hee.. hee... lain kali I complain pasal ni, you must stand by, ok? Memang batu api best punya! Hee.. hee...

MrsNordin said...

Aida,

The thing is, I didn't really want to go. I just wanted to pick up a fight. That explains it.

It's good that your husband goes out after the kids are asleep. Ini tak, pantang di ajak! I would be more comfortable going out when Nizzar is asleep, which hardly happens anyway coz he sleeps very late!

Desert Rose said...

Mrs N,

Wahaaa I got this all the time.

I think Its like this.... men r like that. They dont think like we do.

Sometimes plak they r just beinmg oversenssitive to things which they r not supposed to.

I hv d same thinking, that bukanlah kite hadap sangat nak ikut but at least jaga la hati kita sket kan. But no, they dont think like that, for them when they want to have a man talk, or hangouts, we r not welcomed at all, coz d others didnt bring their wives , and just by asking another wifw to come along would not be manly read : hek eleh , ko kena queen control ke apa, nak pi minum2 pun kena ajak bini.

THat sort of thing. Its a man thing yg kita terpaksa conmprehend although dia ada ke faham kite kan....

But I dont think there's a thing like they r not comfy ngan u ke apa, dont feel bad, coz they just want ur man, and him alone, coz they want to cakap kuat2, smoke like nobody bizness etc etc u know men stuff.

Men r frm mars n women frm venus, like John Gray said, and tetiba mengamuk tu, biasa jugak, n they say kita yg pelik with PMS and all ????Hmmm

Take care, stop worrying...u r not self fish dear. It just ur man acting like a man.

DeeDee said...

Mrs N, considering how busy he is, I think it is normal kot for you to feel like that. But again, like you said, bukannya nak pegi sangat but I think you are just curious kenapa la u r not included. But again, Mr N pun kesian jugak sebab its not his fault and man tak akan tanya bende-bende like "awat hang tak ajak bini aku sekali ha?" Perempuan je yang look at all these details...

MrsNordin said...

Urbanwitch,

If I was posed the same question, I would just tell my husband in a nice way, "It's girl talk". No need to melenting like that.

And I don't do it on a Sunday night either, when my husband is at home. Period.


Somuffins,

I'm not worried about all that, I know them pretty well and I trust my husband. It's just, like I said, for courtesy sake... that's all. But it's a man thing, I suppose, and wives should never ask them tricky questions like I did.

MrsNordin said...

Kay,

I didn't want to go anyway... saja nak cari pasal! :)


Mimi,

Guys night out means, no wives. For the simple reason those two tak ada wives. Kalau ada, you think the wives tak bising jugak?

MrsNordin said...

Lyana,

Memang kena banyak sabar dalam perkahwinan ini...



Busybody,

Indeed, it was his male ego acting up!

MrsNordin said...

Jim,

Thank you. We've already made up.

MrsNordin said...

Desert Rose,

Thanks for being supportive. But I know if he read this, he is going to say we are so unfair.


Dee Dee,

Betul kata you. Kita orang perempuan je yang sibuk nak include our spouses in all our activities. Dia orang tak endah pun nak ajak kita!

MrsNordin said...

Girls,

Case closed. Thanks for all your thoughts and comments. I really appreciate them.

(malas nak dwell on it for too long..)

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear MrsN,

Nope, u were not being selfish as that would be a common reaction to situation like this.

Here, ur hubby should play the role of 'connecting' you to his clan as I believe you have tried your best. But then, being a man, he would have never noticed this.

I have never experienced this before, maybe because my ILs are away in Sabah.

Dulu hubby i pernah cakap yg immediate family dia is the best, tak leh compare dgn i. I buat dek je even though hati berdarah, I akan tunggu bila that side buat blunders je, I akan highlight them cukup2 and say, "Kesian you, why la u kena face these kind of things from ur family..". Baru dia sedar sikit.

Call me bad hearted or whatever, but i dah malas nak throw tantrums, bising2 sebab I tau nanti dia tak kan faham.

I hope all is well with u now..nanti dia ok la tu..

Ida Hariati Hashim said...

Dear MrsN,

Nope, u were not being selfish as that would be a common reaction to situation like this.

Here, ur hubby should play the role of 'connecting' you to his clan as I believe you have tried your best. But then, being a man, he would have never noticed this.

I have never experienced this before, maybe because my ILs are away in Sabah.

Dulu hubby i pernah cakap yg immediate family dia is the best, tak leh compare dgn i. I buat dek je even though hati berdarah, I akan tunggu bila that side buat blunders je, I akan highlight them cukup2 and say, "Kesian you, why la u kena face these kind of things from ur family..". Baru dia sedar sikit.

Call me bad hearted or whatever, but i dah malas nak throw tantrums, bising2 sebab I tau nanti dia tak kan faham.

I hope all is well with u now..nanti dia ok la tu..

MrsNordin said...

Ida,

All is well... thank you.

Letih lah nak ungkit cerita ni, balik2 the same issue. I think I'm just going to shut up and let him do whatever he pleases, if it made him happy.

Like you, I pun dah penat nak throw trantrum. Nasib baik ada si Nizzar, he keeps me occupied. Kalau tidak, I'd surely pick on him more often! :)

tireless mom said...

Hi BJ

Men are the same. De ja Vu pulak. But I think betul jugak, tak payah lah categorically ajak you, kira implied lah you are invited and so pergi ajelah. Well that is what I do nowadays. Buat muka sepuluh sen je join them but of course I am very slective as to which scene I think I am willing to go. Otherwise, I tak pergi and berterima kasih lah sangat sanagt because he is out of the house for a short while.

D said...

After 29 comments, all I've got to say is: Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, right? :)

IBU said...

MrsN,

Kalau with relatives, if their spouses join, kalau I la kan, then I think I should join too! Bukan selfish & bukan batu api, tapi why not? Why excluded plak kan?

But if spouses are not included, then I pon mmg tak kuasa la nak join.

If with frens, I would be "choosy" which friends that I would want to join. Those yg known to have strings of GFs or 2nd/3rd wife ker... I mmg x nak join!

But most of the times, it's my hubby joining me with my friends ( you know who they are) who would also be tagging their hubbies along. Sometimes for very practical reason, to pay the bills!! hahaha...

Tak pe lah MrsN, sekali-sekala merajuk ... sedang kan lidah lagi tergigit.

Take care dear!

edelweiss said...

Mrs. N,

Glad to hear u dah berbaik... :)

Aida said...

BJ,

If the reason why u asked was to pick a fight then ..... there should not be a reason pun hahahaha I do that too... sometimes kita tahu dia tak leh jawap tapi nak jugak... but my hubby not the type to entertain my attempts to pick a fight (which is no fun) hahahaha no make up s*x... but then its always been great... ahahhaha

wanshana said...

BJ,

I agree with Ibu.

If going out with relatives, and their wives are also there, I'd just join. But, if it's just the menfolks - I'd stay at home and just enjoy my time at home - alone or with the kids :)

Normally, if he goes out with his guy friends, I'd just let him go alone. He needs some time off to wind down the "guys'" way :) - just like sometimes I would go out with my girl friends without him. And he's okay with that.

But, most of the times, we hang out with close friends and their spouses (same circle as Ibu's :))

I think men need to have a few different lepak groups and go out with different ones every time - depending on the stress levels they're having :)

But unlike Ibu, if the friend(s) type yang pasang 2-3 or memang ada reputation buaya, I'd tag along - coz' takut they start giving him ideas lah pulak if we're not around, kan? ;) OR, I would give him a piece of my mind on what I think of the friend(s)! If he still goes (normally he has to go for biz/PR purposes), he would come home early :)

One thing for sure, if it needs be, I do make it known to him which of his friends yang I kureng berkenan! Hehehe!

Sorry to hog the space, dear. Just thought of sharing how I would deal with different scenarios :)

In conclusion - No, you're not selfish. It's quite normal to feel the way you did.

The only thing is, we just need to step back, and see the whole picture first, and THEN choose how we would want to react to each different situation.

Take care, dear :)

MrsNordin said...

Shana,

One of those people he met that night has that "reputation", and that's why I made a fuss about it. I've voiced out my unhappiness about this many times, but it just fell on deaf ears, simply because, "He's family.." So what to do? I picked a fight lah! Hee.. hee..

Chahya said...

It's great everything's back to normal again.

He's yours. He comes home. A good hubby to you. A good father to the children. He's not lazy and jobless. He ajak you actually...
Great!
Many don't have what we have..

So what the cousin lupa nak mention your name...or tak include you pun. Pergi je next time you terasa nak ikut...that's not selfish either ...your hubby what...hehehe.

zaitgha said...

Mrs.N,

Usually i dont comment on posting like this but when i read abt Mr.N saying how he was not invited when your friend asked u out, i think i felt like saying something he he...and RKM echoed what i wanted to say....kalau relatives yg ajak him or u out, its only proper to ask the spouse too...kalau kawan tuh lain citer...anyway, take care and love the stories on the small boy bday party....

and u are not selfish....

Kmar said...

BJ,

You are not selfish. You just use your right as a wife. Dah le your hubby tu memang jarang ada di rumah, so whatever time yang ada, you want to be with him. Normal la tu.

Sometimes, he needs time for himself, hanging around with his own ´gang´. Macam kita jugak la... dok pot-pet and bergossips with our own ´ring of close friends´.

Give a bit of space to one another. Jangan terbagi lebih ´space´ dah la..

Anonymous said...

Haiya Mrs Nordin,

Ini issu universal .pasal kengkadang memang lelaki nak klua ngan geng dia jer. Bukan ada apa. Saja jer. Para isteri2 kena memahami.Suami harap lak isteri jangan feel bad. Sporting jer.Keh2

LAki ngan anak 5

Eta My said...

Tak pe Bj..meluahkan perasaan..see..ramai dah respons nih!..hope u dah ok..

Tak syok marah lelama....satu katil pulak..rase panas bahang berapi!..

Itu perasaan normal..tidak lebih tidak kurang...dalam hidup ni..sedikit perasaan adalah ubat..lebih2 perasaan jadi racun!

ok beb!