Friday, January 30, 2009

Kantoi No. 2

Why do children always think they can fool their parents and get away with it? My eldest daughter seems to find that a hard habit to break. Yes Nabila, if you’re reading this (which I know you will), please bear in mind that I‘m still mad at you.

My eldest daughter has a penchant for going out with her friends whenever she’s at home and she expects us allow her to go even though most of the times, she’d abuse the privilege that we had given her. Whenever she’s back, she’ll have all sorts of plan lined up for her ~ nak tengok wayang dengan Atikah lah, nak keluar dengan Mimi lah, nak pegi dim sum dengan Dhath lah, birthday party lah, ini lah, itulah, macam macam.

Most times, we’d allow her to go but not without a long line of questioning from the father. If he’s satisfied with her answers, we’ll let her go. Fair enough, right? We need to know our children’s whereabouts when they are out of our sight.

This girl has been at home since last Thursday for the long CNY break. Immediately the next day, the texted me at the office and told me she wanted to go for a movie with her friend Atika at KLCC. Ok, fine. I was not very happy with this because the plan was made too soon after she got home, but I allowed her to go anyway because Atikah is her best friend. Nadira tagged along.

She asked me to pick her up after the movie, but I told her to ask her Baba to get her because I was not in the vicinity. So, off they went to KLCC but they didn’t catch the movie becoz it was too late by the time they arrived. They spent the afternoon browsing the shops at KLCC instead from 4.30 – 8.30 pm.

Then on Wednesday, she wanted to go out again. This time, to have dim sum with her friends from the old school at Mandarin Oriental. Four kids aged 19, wanted to have dim sum at a posh Chinese restaurant in Mandarin. That’s the kind of friends my eldest daughter mixes with. Again, her father allowed her to go because he thought, the boy who had asked them out for dim sum tu were going to “belanja’ all of them. Unfortunately, his guess was wrong.

She had asked me for RM50 because she said she tak cukup duit (MrN was already in JB that time). I told her, “Kalau tak ada duit, buat apa pegi tempat mahal2? Even I pun tak pernah pegi dim sum at Mandarin ok, because it’s expensive. You all ni macam bagus2 saja!” But then she said, usually the others would pay more and she only need to pay a small amount of the total bill. Malas nak argue dengan budak ni because this girl has no backbone when it comes to her friends. So, I gave her the money anyhow and let her go.

On Wednesday, this boy Dhath picked her up from home at 1pm to go to Mandarin Oriental. There were 4 of them ~ 3 girls, one boy. At 3.30pm, I texted her asking if she was still outside. She said she was at Ampang Point buying ice-cream at that time, and was wondering if I would allow her to go to her girlfriend’s house pulak. Eh, ini dah lain plan ni! Kata pegi dim sum je, now dah nak pegi rumah kawan pulak. Tapi sebab kesiankan budak ni and I didn't want to spoil her day, I told her ok, but be back before 6pm (but I had a strong suspicion that would not be the case).

True enough, at 6.15pm she texted me saying that she was still stuck at her friend’s house because the gate could not open. I dah mula marah dah. Budak ni, orang suruh balik before 6, why was she still there at 6.15pm? Ding dong ding dong SMS, in the end, they managed to open the gate (so it seemed) and she reached home at 7.15pm. I was not at home at that time coz I had dinner outside. But when I got home later that night, I didn’t speak to her. Neither did she speak to me for I suspected she takut kena marah sebab balik lambat.

So, Friday dah keluar, Wednesday pun dah keluar kan? And both times she busted her time limit which is so uncalled for had the father been around. I was thinking, “That's it lah. She is so not going anywhere again after this until the next time she comes home!” And I thought she knew better than to try and go out again. But how wrong I was!

Yesterday (Thursday), when I was at work, I kept on thinking about her and her various antics to get out of the house. The other two kids, Nadira & Nadim, bila kat rumah, tak de pulak panjang akal nak keluar. Kalau keluar pun, setakat on weekends for 1 or 2 hours makan2 with their friends at KFC or somewhere standard budak2 sekolah. Tak de pulak lah nak pegi birthday party kawan kat “bungalow” in Bangsar ke, or dim sum at some fancy restaurants ke, unlike their eldest sister. Mengalahkan adults! Hello... as long as you still ask for pocket money from your parents, you are still a kid, ok?

Anyway, things were very quiet in the home front yesterday becoz I didn’t receive any call or SMS from the kids. So, I thought I nak balik cepat lah semalam and take the other two kids out because they’ve been staying at home mostly. Nabila tak payah ikutlah because she has had her time out kan?. That was my plan. And so I left office at 4.30pm. Imagine my surprise when I found out that Nabila had gone out again yesterday without my knowledge!

This is how I found out. As I was coming down the elevated highway at about 4.45pm, I saw our Naza passing by. “Eh, the Naza? Dari mana ni?” It was driven by Pakcik Mat, my MIL’s driver, and it was heading towards our house. “Dari mana Pakcik Mat ni? Tak kan hantar Nadim pegi tuition kut because tuition tak ada this week...”

My mind kept on wondering where Pakcik Mat had taken the car as I followed it closely. I was right behind the Naza and I was very sure whoever that was in the car at that time would have seen me. “Takkan Nabila keluar lagi, she didn’t tell me anything…”, I wondered again. Hati I dah berdebar2. I was praying hard that my assumption was incorrect.

Sampai rumah, it was raining heavily. Pakcik Mat dropped off “someone” first at the porch before he reversed again to allow me to park my car. I didn’t know who “that” was but I was so hoping it was someone else other than Nabila. I really had no mood to scream at her yesterday. But when I got out of the car, I saw Nabila ~ clad in her baju kurung, sitting on a chair infront of the door ~ her face as pale as a corpse....

You went out just now? Where did you go?”, I began the line of interrogation.

I went out to Bank Islam for my appointment.”

“What appointment? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I did tell you! I did tell you last week!”

Last week? I remember vividly she told me about her Bank Islam visit when I picked her up from KL Sentral last Thursday…

Why can’t you remind me? You told me last week and you expect me to remember everything? Why can’t you just tell me before you went out just now?”

I thought since I’d told you last week it was ok for me to go.”

I could feel my face flushed with anger.

What time did you go just now?”

12 o’clock. Then I met my friend and after that I went to Wan’s house for a while.”

Oh, so Wan knew about this outing but you failed to tell me?

Nabila, semalam you dah keluar balik lambat. Baba bising when he found out about that. And today you went out again without EVEN TELLING ME! Who do you think I am?”

She kept quiet.

Whenever Baba is not around, I’m IN-CHARGED, ok? You must tell me WHEREVER YOU GO! Tengok, Tuhan tu nak tunjukkan? I balik cepat and I found out you went out without my knowledge. Had I not come home early, I wouldn’t have known, right?”

I was screaming on top of my voice. I had never been that angry before.

I would have told you..”, she said.

Yeah, after the fact nak buat apa?!” I screamed back at her.

Nabila, you always do this, you know!” Bla, bla, bla… entah apa2lah I membebel lagi semalam.

Pakcik Mat, who was still outside at that time, must have heard the commotion. I didn’t give a damn.

My body was trembling as I walked up the staircase to go to my room. I slammed the bedroom door and locked myself in the bathroom. I’ve never felt so angry before! I dialled my husband’s number and let out my frustrations over that girl’s chronic attitude problem. He told me to calm down.

Actually, I know why she didn’t tell me and I’m sure you all know too. She was afraid I would make a big fuss about her going out again after her over-extended outing the day before. And she also failed to remind me about the Bank Islam appointment because she was afraid that would spoil her chance of going out with her dim sum friends...

So, she “conveniently forgot to tell me” and just told her Wan that she wanted to go to Bank Islam coz she needed to use Pakcik Mat. And that old lady must be thinking, “Bagus nya cucu aku ni….” Had she known that her granddaughter had been gallivanting in town with her friends the day before until after Maghrib, she would’ve straight away called me or Nordin and gave us a proper shelling!

So this girl thought she had been clever and played her cards right. She kept mum about her outing yesterday and made sure she came home early so that I wouldn’t know about it. But little did she know (and neither had I planned for it), that I would be home slightly early yesterday, just in time to watch her step out of the car….

It’s amazing, kan? Now I firmly believe that if there’s anything yang anak2 buat tak betul, memang Tuhan tu akan tunjukkan, especially to us mothers. No doubt I’m not her real mum, but I think the motherly instinct is the same. I was surprised as well. I kept on thinking what was God trying to tell me by letting me see my daughter’s misconduct? Hari tu Nadim kantoi, sekarang Nabila pulak. Will Nadira be caught in the same shoes? I don’t know.

She tried to talk to me last night after I had my shower, but I refused to talk to her becoz I was still very angry. I couldn’t even look at her! Then she left me a note in my bedroom ~ itu pun I malas nak baca becoz I know what she’s going to say: Sorry.. will not do it again…” bla, bla, bla.. The storyline is the same.

Then just now, I received an e-mail from her ~ Can We Talk?, apologizing and explaining her side of the story. She said she admitted she was wrong for not telling me, but truthfully, she said her real reason was, she FORGOT.

Somehow I find that very amusing...

33 comments:

wanshana said...

BJ,

Yes, you're so right about us moms ALWAYS finding out about stuff our kids try very hard not to tell us, kan?

God is great :)

So many times happened to me and my kids, too, but, they never seem to learn.

Hope you've cooled down now ;)

MrsNordin said...

Shana,

Somehow I'm still mad at her, I don't know why. Usually I'd cool down very fast, but not this time.

Kama At-Tarawis said...

You are threading on very thin ice Mrs N. As much as I kesian kat you - I know kids will tell you seribu satu story to get what they want - please sabar banyak2. saying things like "if you dont like it here, you can go" and such, is very bahaya. it can hurt very deeply. Bukan senang nak bela anak dara. i know sebab i pun raised 2 anak dara. Bawaklah bertenang.. Sabar..

Kama At-Tarawis said...

*treading..

AuntieYan @ Makcik Blogger said...

Salam Mrs.N....

Memang betul, bukan mudah nak membesarkan anak-anak, terutama anak remaja. Kita letih menjaga anak-anak kecil, tapi, letih dan pening lagi menjaga anak-anak yang dah besar...Tak mudah jugak dia orang nak kelentong kita...selalunya sebagai ibu, memang kita dapat mencium sekiranya ada sesuatu yang tak kena...

So, all kids.....dont' play-play with us...mothers....ok???

MrsNordin said...

Kama,

Thanks for your advise. I guess I was very angry at that time.

She has tested me so many times before with her hurtful remarks but I sabar je. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt ~ she doesn't know what she's saying. But sometimes, I suspect she did it on purpose to snub me and I don't know why.

But yesterday, I totally lost it. That was the first time I ever said such thing to her. I hope she knows better next time.

kay_leeda said...

MrsN,

Ohh...we almost have the same story. I care not to elaborate what happened with my no2 here but suffice to say that, I was like you, mad to my bones!!!

I hear you, and I agree with Kak Puteri and AuntieYan. It is so difficult to raise anak daras these days. They kantoi one day, they stay low for a while. And the moment you lepa skit, they are up to their tricks again.

Sabar, and loads of sabar (and I know it doesn't seem to get you ANYWHERE). Ini lah dia dugaan as a MOM..maybe there's paradise waiting somewhere, someday, InshaAllah.

MrsNordin said...

Auntie Yan,

Memang letih menjaga anak dara ni. It's mentally exhausting! Esp. in my case. I always have to jaga hati dia orang... but they never bother to look after my feelings. Sometimes I wonder is it worth it? Kalau anak sendiri, dah lama kena pelempang. Ini sebab anak orang, sabar je lah...

jabishah said...

Mrs. N,

True! Our instinct is strong. Not only with the kids but their dad too... & that is a different story ;-)

Cld it be the reason you lost ur coolness once you found out that wan was in the picture. It wld if it happens to me. But what Kama highlighted there was right. Sabar... Do listen to what she had to say. After all they are still kids.. kan? Take care dear! Pls do enjoy your weekend!

MrsNordin said...

Kay,

Tak payah ceritalah, but I can imagine how you must have felt.

She has been caught in this same situation many times before but she never learnt. Like you said lah, they'd lie low for a while and bila dia ingat kita dah lupa, they'll be back on their stride.

I hate it when I lost my temper like that. It's not a nice feeling.

MrsNordin said...

Jabishah,

Your guess is right.

My question is simple: If she can tell her Wan why can't she tell me? What was so difficult about telling me? She lived with me, right? Not with her Wan.

If she can give me a convincing answer to that, I'll let her go free. I'll even apologise to her for screaming at her unnecessarily. But she said she just "forgot" to tell. Does it make sense??

Waterlily said...

At least she's telling the truth when she said she forgot. Though, that's unacceptable kan? Sit down and talk to her when you've calmed down.

This entry reminds me of myself too..when I'm angry with Syafiq, I would screamed on top of my lungs too..he's only 12, but already cunning and has 1000 excuses.. But I talk to him - heart to heart - whenever I calmed down. Geram memang geram BJ, tapi ada anak bujang/anak dara memang macam ni la gamaknya..

Kak Teh said...

Mrs N, it cant be easy for both; a teenager growing up, and a mother dealing with a teenager. We've both been through the two stages. She is going through one - the teenage years. It is a learning curve. There were times I have been harsh with my girls and during those times I remember the exact words my mum said to me.
But the important thing is that at the end of the day, both of you emerge understanding each other and appreciating what each other is doing. It cant be easy. and there's no easy formula.

Madam Tai Tai said...

BJ,

I do emphathise with you in this situation. I have heard your complaints before about Nabila and her friends. So I understand your rage this time. You are angry because you care about her very much and don't want her to fall under negative influences. All mothers feel like that.

Hope you guys will patch up soon.

Superwomanwannabe said...

Kesian kawan I ni..sure marah giler ni sampai jerit jerit...

Jab kata.."ok aaaah..20 I was overseas man!"

Now, you tengah tensen so toksahlah baca komen merapu I ni-

Looking at it objectively, is this basically i:-

1. you marah sebab dia takrespect the rules u and her dad had laid down

2. you marah sebab dia suka keluar dan pergi tempat tempat posh

3. you marah sebab dia tipu you AFTER she knows you marah dia.

I yang takda pengalaman tapi sebok nak komen ni rasa.....

1. On No 1, she may think you are too strict. (Hah! "May")

When I was a teenager I hated hearing "You are going to listen to me BECAUSE I SAY SO". At 20 I thought I so pandai oredy and should get more freedom. How old is she? Think about renegotiating the rules- maybe see where you can be lenient and where you must insist(eg, no going out with boys, ever). Compromise lah-what would be an acceptable level of going out- compromise otherwise nanti bermasam muka, keluarlah "I hate you"s and lari rumah (oops that was me).

IF she knows that you are willing to listen to her point of view, she will be that much more willing to listen to yours. (Again, from my case as a rebel)The fact that she left you a note etc tells me she really values you as a mom and hate that you are mad, J..she could really do a ME and pull long faces and say I hate you!

Don't you want to break out of that rut where you set a rule then she breaks it and you get mad?

(Nabila, you jangan lah tunjuk sangat you defy your parents' rule..yr stepmom is sensitive to this as it is...no means no lah bukannye pengsan pun if tak keluar but on the other hand, if you want more privileges cakaplah betul betul macam a grown up)

2. She goes to exppensive places- budak ni masa grow up macam biasa ke dengan all those? Maybe it's that...Oit Nabila, auntie kan, dimsum tu amende pun auntie tak tau ok until dah KAWIN. Teruk nye case. I think you need to accept that her values are different and just keep teaching her the rightvalues (ie not to be lavish until dah habis degree haha)

3. Dia tipu you after you dah kata no...no answer. Memang patut kena marah..but let's work towards preventing a showdown like that, J..cause that was ONE HECK OF A SHOWDOWN! Both of you testing the other's will you know?

Dahlah...she is your family and you are hers.regardless of blood ties....lets kiss and make up and TALK ok..dia ni tengah nak grow up J...sabar lah and bear with her...

Nabila..haah haaah tak tau..mak you dah maraaahhhhh

.

UrbAnWiTch said...

hi, kantoi..hmm..
i am a daughter too,and mind u a very naughty,full off opinions, full of antics,selalu lawan cakap ..and the list goes on.. dulu,i lah yg paling selalu gaduh ngan my mom.
BUT, knowing that ur daughter actually tried to say sorry, wrote you a note, and made efforts to try to talk to you, that is great.
that means she knows that no matter how much she has done wrong, u are the person she can go to and no matter how angry you are she is willing to face you.

that is great. she has trust in you.

dont break that trust by staying angry for too long..

-teringat masa suka buat my mom nangis- she said i have an apposite opinion abt everything hahahah

Ummi365 said...

mrsN,

I hope you have calm down now. I went thru the same thing with my daughter and son too, yang dah teenager lah. i screamed on top of voice about coming home late. i know how it feels. really bad.

But i think nabila respects you alot, that's why the email and notes. I hope you two patch up real soon. have a nice day.

tireless mom said...

Dear MrsN

You are angry, that is natural for a mom like us who cares the children so very much. You can shout and scold her, that is your right. Nabila pun memang ada fault nya. We can clearly see that.

However teenagers yang dari Gen Y ni, they are not like us. They want to be heard. They want freedom, they trust their friends probably more than they trust their parents or siblings. Hence listen to them like a friend, not like a raged mother.

The fact that she said sorry and she would like to talk to you have demonstrated that she is already feeling guilty wrt her misbehaviour.

Anonymous said...

I am a silent reader, tapi teringin nak komen kali ni.
I ada anak dara jugak.
Biasanya, dia orang tak cakap nak pegi mana2 sebab takut kita marah or tau kita tak akan benarkan.

I think she is a good girl. Bila you bincang dengan dia, cuba suruh dia letak herself on your shoe.
Apa dia akan buat if dia sendiri ada anak yang buat dia macam tu.

IBU said...

Salam MrsN

I don't have anak dara (yet). So I'm reading your entry & the comments, learning at the same time. Suspen.... can recall what my parents said dolu-dolu - jaga anak lembu (or was it anak kambing?) satu kandang pun lagi senang dari jaga sorang anak dara. They had 3 growing up teenage girls then, my elder sisters (I yg corot, so masih hingusan that time - couldn't figure out the anak lembu satu kandang insinuation).

I can imagine steam coming out of your ears & nose MrsN! Mesti geram tahap maksima nih...

Nevertheless....I hope you would give her the opportunity for the 1-2-1 talk when you've cooled down. It's just that we almost always only have half of the picture. The other person has the remaining half. We need to share & talk about it so that both get the full picture.

Take care, will ya?

the principal said...

mrs nordin,

wow! strictnya...

I can relate to Nabila's antics..nak bg tau yg benar, nanti tak boleh keluar, then what choice do I have? As long as I still menjaga maruah diri & keluarga, I would have done the same thing-sneaking out kalau susah sgt nak keluar. But this sneaking out thing tak lama....

MA & Brood said...

I see two scenarios here :

1. On your side, you feel that she is showing disrespect to you for "conveniently" forgets to inform you tapi boleh buat ingat nak inform orang lain and set buat arrangement lagi.


2. Nabila feels that dah 2-3 kali kena sound sebab keluar, she "conveniently" forgets to inform you (again), and hopefull will not get caught for sneaking out.


Miscommunication big time here. And yes, if I am the mother - biological or not - I would be very pissed.


How can a child undermine my authority? Even if she feels that she is all grown up and need not be chaperoned etc, but basic courtesy should be observed that no matter how old you get to be, you will still accord respect to your elders.


I hope you two would mend the fences soon.


I have only one daughter and I cringe to think if such episode should happen in my household. I would be so heartbroken!

Anonymous said...

we will always worry about our kids no matter how old they are,,,so this will continue until they become parents like you n me-lah.
the solution is communicate not ordering around with the kids pls.
my wife is like you in many ways but i only have to look into their eyes, the kids knows what is best for them immediately!. Why,,,maybe fear? or respect?,,,i leave it to that be i never have to raise my voice ever with my kids.
my son has gone awol for past 4 days since CHY cas. he is staying with his friends house,,,,driving the mama crazy but what to do,,,have to tahan too-lah cas. at times kawan dia stays at our house too,,,,and that drives their mothers crazy !!!. tit for tat kot???
indeed, kita semua kena bersabar with our growing kids nowadays.
when i was a kid, i never gave any trouble or headache to my parents,,,at the age of 6-7 yrs dah pandai jual ikan keli and pucuk paku for survival. Tolong parents cari rezeki lagi. Left home at age 15 and survived in boarding school and pandai cari duit jual newspaper lama and collect baju for dobi, dapat duit dari kedai dobi for services rendered!!!,,,,jual buah rambutan sekolah untuk student fund etc,,,to think of it, i never troubled my parents at all,,ever !.
cerita betul ini,,,just tell your kids about this story of mine.

islandman

mamasita said...

Hai Mrs Nordin.
Its my first time here. Just to let you know that girls her age memang normally gitu.Nothing to do with being her real mom or otherwise.

Just try your best to have her go out for activities you think is beneficial for her instead of her loitering always with her friends.
Even if she says sorry everytime you and her get into a tiff, be patient.

You are actually saving a young girl if you can get her to agree to your choice of activities for her outside.
Good luck..she'll thank you someday.

Kitchen Guardian said...

bj,

kudos to you...you handle the situation very well...i yang ada anak teenager pun tak tau nak handle....but one thing for sure..i make it very clear to them tt i cant tolerate it if they dont tell me the truth..alhamdulillah, so far so good,nd connecting with them even though it's very diffficult to do, i think is the best way!

Aida said...

Hi BJ,

LEt me just say this, teenagers are just trying our patience, no matter what (meaning u real mom or step mom). It happens in our househhold too.

So byk-kan bersabar.

I was a WILD child jugak dulu... but by father always said that until u act like a responsible adult will u be treated like one. Kalau tak boleh hold or be responsible, do expect to have a curfew.

But bersabar does not mean kena tutup mata to irresponsible behaviour.

I hope things blow over soon.

HUGS

Anonymous said...

Just to share my experience with all of you.

I scolded my daughter really bad and now I live to regret them.

She has since lost her self confidence and she is struggling to get it back. At times, I broke into tears regretting what I had done.

In fact, I realised I was the weakest person at that moment of anger. Kids remain kids. There will be a stage in their life that being with their friends is a moment of everything.

But this does not mean that we should compromise their discipline.

The curfew times has to be respected. A child has to respect a parents' concern.

But Mrs Nordin, I agree with Kama. You are treading on thin ice.

Patience is the name of the game when it comes to handling a teenager.

I AM DAD

Anonymous said...

MrsN
If i were Nabila, I would be very upset, sad, unhappy, dejected etc. that my mother would rather tell the whole world about our miscommunications rather than talk with me.
Just a thought from the other side.

MrsNordin said...

Anon @ 11:03,

Shouldn't I be the one who's upset and dejected coz she didn't listen to me in the first place despite telling her many times before what the rules are?

I write about this so she can read what others have to say about her actions. Well, she doesn't seem to care much about what I say, so perhaps she'll listen to the others.

bella said...

MrsN,
I wish her luck. Coz I can even feel your anger while reading this. Maybe she will finally learn her lessons. Take care, and sabar ok.

nahiella said...

Mrs N, this reminds me of my own muslihat dgn my mother - guiltynya!!!!!! i wish to God my own daughter nanti tak behave macam i. Sabar banyak2 nya...

Anonymous said...

MrsN,

I agree with Anon @ 11.03... I am a daughter too and i would feel dejected and somewhat ashamed if my mother would spill details of our fights and arguements online rather than having a face to face confrontation. Maybe you should sit down and talk to her. You know, those 'heart-to-heart' mother and daughter things...

I was also in your daughter's position once upon a time and i remember after all the screaming, whether in public or in person, we would sit down and have a talk and settle things... as much as i hate to admit it, i always looked forward to those 'talks' after our fights because i know that we would both learn a lesson, regardless of our faults...

And what about her friends? Are they really a bad influence because it sounds to me that they are.. Do you think that her friends are the cause of her actions???

They're growing up... these mother-daughter fights are bound to happen.... I face it most of the time with my daughter but so far i haven't screamed at her, yet (i hope to God that won't come)

So, have a sit down with her. Hope you two can make amends.

Anonymous said...

you seriously are a lousy mom.so what if she wants to go out? let her be. the harder you grip the more it will slip away.it will come back and haunt you another day.mark my words.