1st January 2009. A new year has begun. How do I feel about it? Anxious ~ that’s the best word to describe it. The economic uncertainty, the health condition of family members, financial issues, MrN’s career prospects… all these were playing on my mind at this present moment.
I believe this is going to be a tough year. We all have to play our cards right. No more lavish spending, no more impulsive buys, no more extravagance. For the first time in many years, I’ve set myself a few resolutions to guide me through this year: 1) eat out less, 2) be more spendthrift, and 3) seek spiritual guidance.
Less eating out is obvious ~ eat home-cooked food. I save money and my family gets to eat healthier food. I noticed that in my in-laws: they are very healthy at 73 years of age. Why? Because my MIL makes sure her family eats home-cooked meals. She doesn’t eat out (only on special occasions like her birthday, but even then, she’s very picky about her food), choose only the best fish/meat/vege for her dishes, and very particular about what you eat.
MrN used to tell me, when he was schooling, his mum made sure he ate in front of her during recess at the staff room (she was a teacher at the same school at that time). “Jangan haraplah dapat makan makanan kantin…”, he reminisced. She’s tough, but her discipline towards what she/her family eat ensures her long life.
When I think about what my family eats, Ya Allah… rasanya tak lama boleh hidup! The amount of junk food, take away, and dining out that we indulged in are sure proof of a not-so-healthy lifestyle. Dahlah tak exercise!
Junk food and take away are easy, especially for lazy wife/mother like me. Bila malas nak masak, beli je dari luar or order take away. And you know how outside food are prepared, right? High in grease, high in salt, but the taste is not that great after all. Home cooked meals are always the best and they are healthier. So, I resolve to cook more often in 2009 and reduce eating out. In other words, eat healthier food.
Be more spendtrift ~ has always been my resolution at the beginning of the year. But as time goes by, I somehow tend to forget about it. This year, I resolve it will be more long term in nature.
Seek spiritual guidance ~ this one is rather personal. Of late, I’ve been questioning my purpose in life. What am I here for? Religious wise, I’m not very religious. I only do what’s basic and that’s about it. But everyday before I go to sleep, I’ll be asking myself, is this all there is to it? Is this what my life is all about?
I feel empty inside, I’m not at peace with myself. I long for that contentment which says, I know what I’m doing, and I know what I’m praying to. I lack the spiritual knowledge that can take me to a higher level as a Muslim. I suppose sembahyang dan berzikir will help, but I just don’t feel it whenever I do it. And that worries me.
So far, Alhamdulillah, God has not tested me to the point beyond bearable. And I’m thankful for that. I must have done something right somewhere. But I believe, there will come a time when luck will not be on my side anymore. And when that happens, what am I going to do?
I look at my children, they are all growing up. One will turn 20 this year. I also have a little one who will only turn 3 this year. They all look up to me and to my husband for guidance. What can I offer them? What can I teach them?
In our race for modernization, we tend to forget the reason for our being. We tend to take it for granted that whatever we do is all channeled towards one thing, that is, worldly materials. And this is wrong.
When I look at some of my friends who are continuously seeking knowledge, both religiously and spiritually, I envy them. I want to be like them. I want to fill up this emptiness within me with spiritual knowledge and guidance that will make me come to peace with myself. How am I going to do it? That is something which I need to find out.
For a start, I can see my husband slowly moving towards that direction and I’m glad. He is actually a very knowledgeable man, religiously and spiritually. But he’s a slow starter. As I said, it’s all due to our race for worldly materials.
He comes from a religious family background. His great, great grandfather was a very pious man, well-known for spreading the tarikat Ahmadiah. I’m not sure how important this man was, but the makam/tanah perkuburan on a hill in Seremban is named after him. I guess, he must be very important.
So from my husband, I know I can seek the proper guidance. I hope and pray that I will be able to fulfill this need to be a better person, both religiously and spiritually. Insyaallah...