Little Nizzar?

Of late, a number of people have been asking me, "When's the next one?" By that, they meant when am I going to have a second baby.

This is the question that has been bugging me ever since I lepas pantang with Nizzar. Should I, should I not?

It’s a tough question. I really don’t know the answer. Most people say, just go for it. But deep down inside, I fear I may not be able to cope with another baby.

And why is that? Because I’m too old to have another baby? Because I tak larat nak jaga? Because I miss quality time with my husband? Because now Nizzar is somewhat older, I don’t have to worry about leaving him behind, but with another baby, it’ll be back to square one? Sleepless nights, breast feeding, baby diaper bag, hospital visits. Aarrgh…the list is endless!

Why don’t I have the maternal instinct? Is it because I’m selfish?

Ok, logically, I should have another one. A girl would be nice tho’ I really don’t mind if it’s another boy. Nizzar is my only biological child right now. He’s the youngest and very soon, all his sisters and brothers would leave the house leaving just him at home. He’ll be bored. But if I have another one, then they can grow up together. Ok, that’s the plus point. But the downside is, with two smaller ones at home, susahlah sikit nak kemana2. Tak langgas, kata orang Perak.

Also, when I'm older, if I have two, I could rely on them to look after me. We'll never know what's gonna happen in the future. My stepchildren may not want to care for me since I'm not their real mother. If that's the case, where am I going to turn to when MrNordin is no longer around? Old folks' home?? (oh no!) At least kalau ada anak sendiri ramai sikit, adalah tempat mengadu, kata orang.

But these are all guessing games. We'll never know for sure. Maybe my own children will not give a hoot about me when I'm older, instead my stepchildren would be the ones who I would look after me. Mana tahu?

To tell you the truth, even before I had Nizzar, I was hesitant about having a child. We got married in Jan 2004. After 1 ½ years baru I decided to have one. Itu pun after so many people pushed me with the question bila lagi? bila lagi? Boring lah nak jawab soalan tu. It was by choice, ok? I didn’t have any problem conceiving.

MrNordin was cool about it. He already had 3 children, so another baby was not in his list of priorities. Until one day, I think some friends bugged him with that question. Usually, he was ok with just saying “Nanti lah dulu…’, but I think, that day, something snapped and he had a change of mind about the whole thing.

I still remember, he pulled me into the bathroom and locked the door when I was getting ready to go out. I was surprised. He asked me, “Do you want to have a baby or not?’ (selalu dia tak kisah pun… ). I said, “Err…. I don’t know….”. He asked again, “What do you mean you don’t know? Ramai orang dah tanya, tau? (I think dia terasa kelelakiannya telah tergugat bila ramai sangat orang bertanya soalan tu!) What’s your problem?”

So I told him. I was afraid of getting fat during pregnancy and he wouldn’t love me anymore. Hee… heee…. He convinced me he would still love me the same, fat or not fat, and removed all my fears about pregnancy. He said he'd help with changing the diapers and feeding the baby. And keluarlah segala cerita how he took care of Nadim when he was small and when they travelled on holiday dulu. I was convinced he would make a great daddy for my unborn child and what a great help he would be.

But talk is cheap, my dear... I forgot that was some 10 years back when he was 10 years younger. But that's besides the point. He helped, of course, but not as much as what i had anticipated during our conversation in the bathroom.

So that night, while making love, I told him, “Let’s make a baby..” And a month later, I discovered I was pregnant. It was that easy.

So this time around, if I ever decided to have another child, I hope it would still be that easy. But I know our bathroom conversation will no longer linger because my husband has already cautioned that if I ever decided to have another baby, he will not be of much help becoz dia dah tak larat.

Well, at least he's being honest this time around !