Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Be Grateful

Why do marriage break? Why do they call it quits?

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been hearing stories about friends who have gone their separate ways.

“It was my choice..”, said one. “I just don’t love him anymore..”, said another.

On one hand, I was happy upon hearing this when I know the marriage was on the rocks anyway. They were not happy when they were together but happier when they were with other people. But on the other hand, it was sad because I’ve always known them as a couple but now they are not anymore.

Do we really have a choice when it comes to divorce? Do we follow our hearts or our minds?

It’s hard to say unless we have been in similar situations before. Lots of factors have to come into play. Sometimes the heart rules while other times, the mind does. You don’t just pull the plug unless you have weighed the consequences of doing so. It is a big decision and it requires a lot of thinking.

Sometimes when you see couples together, you can tell whether they are in it for a long term or not. If they are living separately but claimed they are happy that way, I guess there must be some problems there.

Or, when one goes away for a 2-month holiday without the spouse, surely one wonders what’s going on too. And what if one always sees this person with another woman but never with the wife – don’t you wonder as well?

These are tell tale signs. So if they say “We are divorced now,”, I won’t be too surprised.

But there are couples who, on the surface, look perfect for each other. Tak ada angin, tiba2, “We are divorced.” Bang! Just like that. That would be a real shocker.

Hearing all these stories made me realize one thing, that we should be grateful for what we have. We complain about our spouses all the time, but hey… he’s the best that we’ve got right now, so live with it!

If you’re looking for a perfect marriage, sorry my friend… go and fly kite. There is no perfect marriage because nobody’s perfect. If only we could achieve 50% of what a perfect marriage is all about, I think that is great already. But how do you define perfect, anyway? It is rather subjective.

I think, we must always appreciate the things we have in life. No matter how annoyed we are with our husband’s snoring or tardiness, try to think of other things that make him special in our eyes. Think of the reasons why we fell in love with him for the first time. Think of why we married him in the first place.

If we can continue to maintain that our partner is still attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for us in just about every way, I think we will remain content with each other for a long, long time. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But with so many divorces happening right now, I think it's worth revisiting those happy moments again.

22 comments:

Kitchen Guardian said...

BJ,

Nah, inilah kawanku, thank you!

Lyana Mauseth said...

mrsN,

yes it is kind of sad that it has to happen to some people...and it seems like getting divorce is just so easy to do nowadays...kecik punya hal pun blh bercerai, and the saddest thing is when the husband ceraikan dgn talak 3 sekaligus...ish...to get married is easy but to keep a marriage is difficult...recently, putrajaya kluar statement kata pikir seribu kali kalau nak enter inter marriage sbb hanya 3:10 yg berjaya...so sad sbb kita nak tgk yg jauh sedangkan yg kawin sesama bangsa pun bercerai...my fren kwin x smp setahun...melayu sama melayu, sama darjat kedudukan...so kesian...again, it is not easy when a man and a woman gets together sbb mmg lumrah kita lain2...but there is always toleransi kan...yg mana blh pejam mata tu, pejam je lah, x pyh nak kecoh2....

kkdg kita always think that the grass is greener on the other side...tu yg x pikir pnjg...

nahiella said...

Not every marriage is based on love. There are a lot of factors involved before one takes the plunge. Sometimes it's a marriage of convenience, sometimes it's on rebound or sometimes it's to avoid ending up a spinster! But it is always a sad thing when the marriage end up in divorce - no matter wht the reason is.

MrsNordin said...

KG,

Just something to think about...:) See you around!

MrsNordin said...

Lyana,

Sometimes I wonder, why is divorce so common these days? Is it so hard to keep the marriage alive?

Whether kawin sesama Melayu or berlainan bangsa, the key word is the same: tolerance. We must tolerate each others' weaknesses and appreciate each others' strengths.

And you must have a certain expectations about the other half. That way you won't get disappointed.

Like you said lah, mana yang boleh pejam mata tu, pejam kan je lah... no need to make a big fuss about it. If we keep to this principle, insyaallah... we'll be ok.

Thanks for sharing. I miss you lah!

tireless mom said...

Spot on babe! Boring lah dengar and cerita about this (though I must admit we have to face the reality) Can't wait for happy hours petang ni, yay!

MrsNordin said...

Nahiella,

It's true, there are many reasons why people get married. But just make sure it's not for the wrong reasons. Otherwise, the marriage is doomed.

It is sad when we hear friends getting a divorce or having marriage problems. But perhaps, it's a wake up call for all of us too..

MrsNordin said...

TM,

Yeay!! I can't wait too! See you later!!

Naz said...

Love this post!
You're right in implying that we ought to look beyond the imperfections. Kita sendiri pun tak perfect, how could we expect our spouse to be perfect in all sorts of ways?!!
For all we know, it could have been the imperfections that attracted us to them in the first place ;D

Kak Teh said...

mrs N, there's no such thing as a perfect marriage or one made on a bed of roses. Its real hard work. But in times when one is in the doldrums, it is worth thinking of those wonderful times together. Just remember how a decision made in a few minutes can destroy a whole life together. Like naz says, kalau kita tak perfect macam mana nak expect our spouses to be perfect.
Good entry here to make us think and reflect.

MA said...

I once read - a perfect husband is someone who doesn't expect a perfect wife.

Likewise, a perfect wife is one who doesn't expect a perfect husband.

No one gets married only to be divorced, trust me. It is NOT easy to decide to divorce. Either way. Usually when it finally happens, the undercurrent would have been there for the longest time.

sabre23t said...

I like what MA said. ;-)

Mmm, I wish my SO didn't throw away all the letters/cards I sent her the two years we were engaged, about 30 years ago. Then I could compare what I was "looking/hoping for" against what *we* have. ;-)

MrsNordin said...

Naz,

"... look beyond the imperfections.." That's the new tagline in your blog, right? I just noticed.

MrsNordin said...

Hi Kak Teh,

Yeah, nobody's perfect... so we can't expect the same from our spouse. There must be a lot of give and take also in a marriage or relationship. Otherwise it won't last.

Look at you... you've been married for what, 30 years? That's a long time. You should share some tips with us on your secret recipe to a successful marriage (not the cake, ok?)

MrsNordin said...

MA,

I wrote this with you in mind, besides my other friends who are recently divorced.

I'm sure it was a tough call. I was thinking, what would push someone to call it quits after being married to each other for sometime?

But if the separation made us happier or a better person, then perhaps it was a right choice after all. Take care!

MrsNordin said...

Sabre,

If I looked back at those old love letters, many things promised were not delivered. But then again, there are other things that compensate for the non-existence of the promises. So I'm quite contented. I hope you are too.

busymum100 said...

MrsN,

I once read someone wrote "Marriage is love for the first 6 months and responsibility and commitment for the rest of our lives", or something like that.

I am sure during our parents generation, there were also grouses, but most of the time, the wives suffered in silence because they had no means to stand on their own feet (of course, except for a few very strong ones). Now women can be financially independent and also emotionally strong too to be alone. It was a taboo to be janda in those days, but nowadays most ppl understand if we choose to go own own ways.

I know a friend (actually come to think of it, I know a few, but let me just stick to this one) whose mother refused to sleep with her husband anymore. She only asked for a divorce AFTER the kids are grown up, but the husband refused to do so. In the end she just stayed in the house to do minimal thing - like cooking and laundry. When I first heard abt it, I thought to myself "tak baiknya", but my friend told be she understood her mum, and she couldn't blame her, esp after all those yrs she had to waste tolerating her husband's way of treating her. She only stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids who were still growing up.

tearose said...

Wise piece of thought.

MrsNordin said...

Busymum,

Your story... what a noble thing to do. She stayed on for the sake of the children. Such a selfless act, although I'm sure she was hurting all those years.

I don't know... would you sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of the children? Tough question.

Thanks for sharing..

LifeBloom said...

Salam Mrs N

Been a silent reader and enjoyed your jottings. Baru first time terpanggil untuk give comment..because I see this happening left right and center also.

I am SO with you on being thankful for what we have and our lot in life. And also the "fly kite" - that is hilarious.

MrsNordin said...

Hi Lifebloom,

Thanks for dropping by. I think I might have read your blog too... I can't remember. You've been blogging for 5 years? That's a long time!

Take care and have a nice day!

Superwomanwannabe said...

Ah Bj- sensitip nih...ramai kawan our age yang go through this...kadang kadang memang kita rasa..can't u work it out???!!! Takkan tu pun nak divorce?? Meh sini I laga kepala hang berdua buleeeehhh? Kiss and make up allready! But on the other hand, kita tak boleh judge ..perhaps they did try and whatever they have is insurmountable and worth disturbing equilibrium, worth going without..bukan senang nak go through life being a single mom/dad and having new friends and you never know if that was your right decision but then I guess you have to tawakal to God that it's the right thing! And we never know the future, it may happen to us nauzubillah. Jauhkan lah though, I hate grocery shopping and sapa lah nak kawin dengan i yang boleh do grocery shopping.

Sorry I am barging in !