Torn

Ever since Nizzar started going to school, my life has gone haywire. When previously I could happily wake up at 7.30am, now I need to get up by 6am. By 6.50am, dah keluar rumah. Dulu, 8.00 am I was still at home.

At night, I’d be in bed by 9.30pm. “I will only sleep when you sleep, Mummy!” So, nak tak nak, terpaksa tidur cepat. If not, I would have trouble getting him out of bed in the morning.

The moment I hit the pillows at night, I would straight away doze off although in my mind, I thought I would get up again later. Unfortunately, this hasn’t happened yet.

I feel that my life is being controlled by the little boy. My mind is constantly thinking about him: Does he has any homework today? Did he do his work in class today? Did he lose his pencil again? Is the eraser still in the pencil box? What books to bring tomorrow? What food to bring for bekal? Where are his shoes? His tie? His baju sekolah? His watch? Arrrrggghhhh!!!

The constant worrying about the boy who-doesn’t-want-to-do-work-in-school is turning me into a nervous wreck. I worry most of the time, especially in the morning when sending him to school. I don’t even have time to care for myself anymore. I would just grab whatever baju I see in the cupboard to wear in the morning when previously, I would plan what to wear to office. Make up – sometimes sempat, sometimes tak sempat.

The worse thing is - I don’t even have time to do my hair! And that is just horrible! Before this, I need at least one hour in the morning to do my hair. Now, I don’t have such luxury anymore. I have to wash my hair at night now which is quite a hassle because after you sleep on it, the style would be ruined.

I did try to wash it in the morning recently. Memang tak sempat nak blow dry! It was wet and disheveled when I reached the school. And my son had the cheek to tell me, “Mummy, never mind … on your way to work, you can wind down the window and let the wind blow your hair. By the time you reach your office, I’m sure your hair will look nice and beautiful!” Ha ha… wishful thinking, Nizzar. It didn’t happen as you wished.

The constant worrying over the 7 year old has led me to neglect the other important person in my life, ie. my husband. Dah lah dia kerja di JB. Whenever he’s back, I wouldn’t bother so much about him because I would be busy organizing the little one. Kesian dia.. sometimes I feel bad for not giving him much attention.

Well, he does not complain lah.. but deep down I’m sure he feels neglected. But what am I to do? I only have 3 hours to spare after work! I can’t even allocate time for myself, what more to give attention to 2 persons?

Balik kerja, letak beg, shower and terus sit down with the little boy to do his homework. (This is when I don’t have to cook dinner. If I cooked, I can forget about homework with Nizzar). Homework would take one hour, at least. Then I’ll have my dinner. By the time I finish dinner, it would be 9 o’clock and that means, bed time is in half an hour.

By this time, my husband would probably be home already, if he’s in KL. He would just eat whatever that’s left with the older kids while I sort out budak kecik tu. By the time he comes up to our bedroom, I would be in bed, reading bedtime stories to the little kid. He insists I read to him 3 books every night! Lepas tu baru dia akan tidur. After reading, I would be so bombed out already and would fall asleep together with him.

How to layan husband? Plus my husband sleeps very late every night. Sorry lah… cannot wait!

Luckily the 2 older kids can look after themselves. And I’m so glad bibik is around to help with the cooking, cleaning, washing & ironing clothes. If not, can die lah!

Am I over focusing my attention to the little boy? Should I just let go a bit and focus more on my husband? Like, leave the kids and go for a much needed week-long break with my husband in Zurich? (like some people I know…)