Thursday, November 05, 2009

As Good As It Gets

Last night, we were all gathered in the study room. It was after midnight but we were still wide awake and didn’t want to go to sleep yet.

Nizzar was looking through old photo albums for pictures of his brother and sisters when they were about his age while Nadim was guiding him with the “who is who”.

As he flipped through the pages, suddenly he stopped at this one particular photo and asked his brother, “Nadim, ini siapa Dim?”

Nadim took a second look at the picture and softly replied, “This is my arwah Mama..”

I choked up when I heard his reply.

This is Nadim’s Mummy, Nizzar…”, I added, and the little boy turned over the page.

I didn’t know if the little boy understood what we said or not, but I found it quite surreal because what was going through his mind must be, “Hey, I know everyone’s faces here… but I’ve not seen this one before. Who could she be?”

That must have prompted him to ask Nadim who she was.

Right after that, I felt a tinge of sadness. I went into the bathroom and sat on the throne quietly, pondering over the incident.

I felt sorry for Nadim coz he had lost his mother when he was still very young. He didn’t get enough love and affection that he should be getting from a real mother because she passed away much too soon. He was only 7 at that time… and it has been 8 years now since he lost his mother.

Throughout the years, he struggled to grow up into a fine young man without the love from a mother. Fortunately, he had his father who tried in every way that he could to be both mother and father to his children. Yes, I was there too in the middle of it, but it's just not the same.

So when his father tends to give in a little bit more to him than to the girls, I can understand why...

When we were looking at those pictures, I could feel that this boy must be wishing that his mother was still alive. That he could still be showered with her hugs and kisses, just like what I love to do with Nizzar. I wondered if he missed his mother…

You know, being a stepmother to 3 kids and a real mother to 1, I do feel the difference when it comes to displaying my affection towards them. With Nizzar, I could easily smother him with kisses and roll over in bed many, many times before we go to sleep because I feel there is no holds barred. He is my son, I can spoil him if I want to and I can spank him if he misbehaved.

But with the older kids, I feel quite awkward to show my affection and I think, they feel the same way too. Something is holding me back. Maybe because when I came into the family, they were already grown ups. I didn’t know how to “manja” kan them although many times I wished I could just hug them and smother them with kisses like how I do to Nizzar.

But this doesn’t mean I love them less. I love them all the same and I treat them like I would my own children. I worry over them like any parent would. When they go away, I miss them… when they come home, I am elated.

My favourite moment is when I find them all sitting at the dining table, chatting about everything under the sun. I love to hear their laughters. That's when I'm the happiest person on earth.

I suppose, mothers show their love and affection towards their children in many ways. I try as much as possible to be fair, and I hope my children realize that too.

My only wish is that I could be a better mother to them. I don't know how much better, but I think it could have been better.

But for now, I guess, this is as good as it gets...

56 comments:

Anonymous said...

U are doing just fine.

Jim

UrbAnWiTch said...

Mrs. N,

they are lucky to have you, and you are lucky to have them.

AuntieYan @ Makcik Blogger said...

Salam Mrs.N,

Aisehman!!...this is indeed a touching entry. I tengah nangis nii..sedeyyynyaaa...

You have such a kind heart...may Allah bless you!

Busybody said...

Mrs N,

A very honest writing. I am sure your kids know you love them too. I feel that way too with my own. When they're bigger rasa susah sikit nak hug like we do the little ones. I think you've given more than 100% of yourself already.

But one thing is true, because they are my own, I can really scold them when they've done something wrong. Nizzar being the youngest of course gets the most attention, same in any family I guess, coz he's still cute and not going through puberty yet.

Give yourself a pat on the back, you really deserve it!!

Busybody

DadaIQ said...

BJ
Your posting brought tears to my eyes. Yes, as mothers, it's just natural to shower our kids with love and affection. You have done a great job taking care of them and I know you are doing better every day. Banyak ganjaran dari Allah swt jaga anak2 yang kehilangan ibu and you should be thankful that you have been given that opportunity.

See you tonite,

MrsNordin said...

Jim,

I hope so. Thank you.



Urbanwitch,

Yes, we are all lucky in that sense. But sometimes, I just wish I could do it better.

MrsNordin said...

Auntie Yan,

I tulis pun bergenang airmata...

It is sad sometimes, when I look at them, but they have been very strong. Despite the loss, they manage to stay composed and level-headed, and that's what I'm most grateful for.

Sorry to have made you cry.. it was unintentional. Hee.. hee...

MrsNordin said...

Busybody,

Part scolding tu, memang betul...
I do scold them when they've done something wrong, but I've never laid a finger on them. Never! Mana boleh pukul anak orang, oii... tak berani I!

But with Nizzar, I don't hesitate giving him a slap or cubit if he misbehaved coz he's my own son.

But I make it a point that only I can do that, and no one else can, because it breaks my heart to see other people hurting him. And I hope this rule still apply when I'm not at home!

MrsNordin said...

Hi Dada,

Bukan senang kan jadi ibu ni... I've tried my best but sometimes i just feel that my best is not good enough. Macamana tu?

Yes, we'll see you tonight and Happy Anniversary to you & IQ!

Eta My said...

Oh Bj...bergenang air mataku...

U have big gigantic heart to feel for your anaks tiri..dan tak semua orang dpt cabaran sedemikian rupa!

we don't know who amongst us yg akan pergi dahulu...takut bile mengenangkannya..(sometimes I pun wonder..what if I pergi dulu..shian my kids...only mum loves her kids better) jadi..make the best of everything now..

sth to ponder ..Salam Barakah Jumaat dear!

Nen said...

MrsNordin,
I am so touched reading this entry.
You've been a good mother to all. Insya Allah, Allah membalas dengan kebaikan, dan merahmati keluarga akak.

Take care of yourself too..

Madam Tai Tai No More said...

Oh...that's one of the nicest postings of yours. Touched my heart so much.

BJ, you are a wonderful parent to them. You may not be their real mum but you have been parenting them very well for these past years. I'm sure they are all grateful that their Babah has chosen you as his partner. They certainly could get a horrible step-mum yang only cares about herself and her own child/children. You are definitely not that, ok.

Nabila, Nadira and Nadim, yup..this is as good as it gets from Auntie Yati. If you want more, you guys need to make some effort too ok. Undoubtedly she will reciprocate in kind. So the ball is in your court, guys!

MrsNordin said...

Hi Eta,

As a mother, we always fear of what will happen to our kids if we were no longer around. But with proper guidance and faith, I'm sure they will be well taken care of after we're gone.

I hope everything is fine and dandy with your little baby!

MrsNordin said...

Hi Nen,

Thanks. I'd like to believe that my children feel the same way too about me.

MrsNordin said...

Gina,

Huu.. Huu... sedih baca your comment! You know, it's hard to gauge how one's doing in that department because we don't talk about it openly, unlike at work where we have Performance Appraisal and such.

But I suppose, if they seemed happy and I don't get tantrum throwing teenagers at home, I guess I should be contented. At least for now...

See you soon!

Kitchen Guardian said...

bj,

i pun keluraq ayaq mata, but, you the best mother he could ask for!

Naz said...

Salam MrsN,
You're such a kind soul. All the children are lucky to have you and I think they realise that through all the things that you do and say.
Whether they express it or not, that's the next level of communication but hey! action speaks louder than words :)
Have a good weekend with the family.

Anonymous said...

BJ,

Dah lama tak tinggal comments. I hope u still remember me tho. The difference between u and i is u have nizzar and i dont. you have to take care another 3 and i take care of 4. Seriously BJ, i really feel what u r writing. We cant cubit or spank them if they are naughty coz they are not our kids. Protective over my kids.....very much so and i want the best for them. Macam u gak, sometimes i wonder if i am doing the right thing, have i done enough for every kid......

Liza

Aida said...

BJ,

With my older (also read step) kids, I will still smother them with hugs and kisses AND marah them like the are MY own; whenever they are with me. Good thing for u, your kids live with u, I see them on weekends and during short breaks. But there is never a day I do not remind them that I love them like my own.

I give them space because they are older but I also give room for them to come to me for anything.

So jgn ever compare urself with their late mom cos U are NOT. But just be the best mum u can be, for them and Nizzar.

Hugs.

MrsNordin said...

Yani,

I'd like to think so too! Can't wait to go to your house this Sunday. We'll have a good time with the girls, shall we?

MrsNordin said...

Naz,

Perhaps you're right, action speaks louder than words. Sometimes I jealous jugak baca how you are with your kids. You are so gentle (that's my take from what I read in your blog). Wish I could be like you. But then again, we do it our own way, rightly or wrongly. I just hope there's more right than wrong!

You have a good weekend too. Take care!

MrsNordin said...

Liza,

I suppose, given our situation, we can't help but wonder about these things. But the fact that you wondered means you care for them. And that's good already. I'm sure your kids love you for what you've done.

Take care now.

MrsNordin said...

Aida,

It's good that you can do that to them. It takes some great courage to do that, especially when they are not staying with you.

But i can see that you take great pride in your children and that's a good thing. Whether they are yours or your husband's, treat them all the same and you'll get good things in return.

Have a nice weekend!

aida yurani said...

Ala kak yati, kita sebak baca ni. You made me realise that I have not appreciate my mom lately, selalu nak gaduh je dengan dia nowadays. Going back to SP tonight, will make the best time with mama over the weekend.

MrsNordin said...

Aida,

I like that! Bestnya balik SP... teringat kat Nadira over there.

You have a good time with your Mum!! Dengan emak ni, memang selalu nak gaduh je. I pun dulu macam tu but now bila dah tua sikit, baru tahu perasan they all.

Take care, now.

tireless mom said...

Sedeh nya. Surely you have been a good mum to them all. No doubt about that.

cikjema said...

Dear Kak Yati,

Your post really make me sad.I am not type who can easily cry tapi after reading this, my tears keep on rolling.

I think you are the best mother that they could ever wish for.So far,you are always being truthful and always be there whenever they need a shoulder to cry on.

I was there when Nadim lost his mother.It was hard then but nowthey are all lucky to have you.

Azma

cikjema said...

Dear Kak Yati,

For the first time, I dare to post my comment on your blog.

Your story indeed touch my heart.I am not the type who can easily cry but tears keep rolling on my cheek after reading your post.

I was there when Nadim lost his mum.So I could imagine that hard moment he has to go through.But sincerely I believe you are the best mum that they ever could wish for.You are always being truthful and be their shoulder to cry on.

I think you arebless with a happy family and they are really lucky to have you!!

Azma

wannor said...

Alah.. Kak BJ you buat I nangisle.. Sob..sob.. The kids are very lucky to have you..

IBU said...

MrsN

it is written. i think ur bigger kids r doing very well indeed. fr my readings, even better than some other kids who have both parents physically but lack d love n care fr either or both.

u r doing great dear! bnyk pahala jaga anak yatim. they r so lucky to hv u!

hugsss

p.s. sorry bnyk short forms. typing with 1 hnd, d other cradling baby yg sgt suka nak berkepit under my armpit. savouring it while she cant complain of d aroma. lol!!!

wanshana said...

BJ,

You're doing great, dear...and I'm sure all your kids appreciate and love you for that.

May Allah bless you and your family :)

Superwomanwannabe said...

awwww..j, what a nice post.

When you said you wish you could be a better mom- there you go, you allready are. All good moms want to be better and want to do better for their kids.The fact that you want to do better is allready a sign that you are an excellent mom!

Don't feel guilty for not doing the huggy huggy thing with your other children the way you are with Nizzar- you are not that type are you? they know you love them,they probably appreciate that you dont try to pretend that you are their birth mother- what is important is that you and MrN have created this secure stable family unit, and they never feel threatened, with their dad's "new" wife. Proof of this -how well they are doing now.

Nadim definitely missed having his mom around. But having YOU around as his mom makes it easier for him to accept the loss, I'm sure. Other than not being his birth mom, he can't ask for a person who would care more for his wellbeing.

Maybe though- you can start hugging your kids more now!

Kmar said...

BJ,

Sebak I baca cerita you. It happened to my kids too, about their late-grandma (my MIL). Daniel (5)´remembers´ her through the photos but Shasha (4) never meet her. She passed away. Bila tengok gambar, Daniel kata, this was my grandma. Shasha will ask, was she my grandma too and where can I see her? Ayoyoyo.. so sedih nak jawab.

You are doing a very good job. Keep it up and remembers ´love is soul living´....

Cilantro said...

Hi MrsNordin

Your posting brought tears to my eye.I am sure they know that you love them dearly and they are very lucky to have you.No matter how much we do for our children,we always feel it is not enough.Hang in there.Just continue to do the good job you are doing

Take care

Azfa said...

Mrs Nordin..
They are lucky that they have you...menitik air mata I baca..

May ALLAH bless you always,
Azfa

Lyana Mauseth said...

MrsN,

I think i know how u feel..we are in the same boat..:D..just my stepsons still have their mother...

we are doing the best we can and the best we know how and i guess they appreciate it too...:D

cheers!

MrsNordin said...

Yatt,

Thank you. Nice meeting you yesterday. You look as lovely as ever!



Azma,

Hi!! Sorry to have made you cry and thanks for dropping by.

I don't know if indeed I'm the best mother for them coz how do you define "best"? I always feel that other mothers are better than me but on hindsight, we have our own style. So let it be...

And hey, congratulations!! I heard there's a bun in the oven! You take care now and have a nice day!

MrsNordin said...

Wannor,

Alah.. sorry lah... kadang2 dapat ilham tulis something good like this, I have to share it with you all.

Cheers now!

MrsNordin said...

Ibu,

That's multi-tasking! Typing while breastfeeding. Cool!

Thanks for your kind words. Eventho' the kids are doing well, sometimes I wish you could have been at a better place. But then again, humans are never satisfied with what we have or get, right? I should really shut up and be thankful now!

MrsNordin said...

Shana,


Thanks!




Shila,

I don't know if I'm the huggy2 type of person. I do like doing it but it depends on who I hug. I'll start hugging them more from now on!

Thanks Shila for the kind advise. I'll see you soon, ok?

MrsNordin said...

Kmar,

When kids that age start asking about people who are deceased, I think they are trying to establish link. The other day, I asked Nizzar again about arwah's photo. "Ni siapa?" He said, "Itu mummy baby tu.." (as she was photographed holding Nabila as a baby)

MrsNordin said...

Hi Cilantro,

Thanks for your kind words. I'll do my best to bring them up as good persons and I hope, when they are older, they'll remember me for that.

MrsNordin said...

Azfa,

Dah sorang lagi menitik airmata... it is quite sad, isn't it? Thanks for dropping by and have a nice day!

MrsNordin said...

Lyana,

Yes, we are doing the best that we can in the best way that we know. Hopefully, it will all be rewarded by Allah swt.

Btw, met Ida yesterday at k.Yani's house. Haa... we gossiped about you!! Hee.. hee... tak ada lah... we talked about you coz we had you in mind. Wish you were there yesterday.

Take care now!

busymum100 said...

MrsN,

Tertinggal tren pulak i baca posting ni lambat...

I pun bergenang mata bila baca post you this time, esp when I know arwah, and I got to know you from her (indirectly).

I think you are doing great with them. You are really god sent. It's not easy to be an instant mum to other ppl's kids. Tambah2 bila depa dah besar, but I do believe you are doing just fine.

Cuma budak2 ni, being kids, their reasoning tak macam org tua. Tu je lah kita kena ingat. Kita selalunya mmg niat baik, tp they might misinterprete it.

I ada kawan yg macam you, lagi lah.. dpt anak instant 5 org! Yg paling kecik, masih baby, so after almost 2 yrs mmg close to her. She (my fren) is the only mum that lil girl has known. Tp yg besar2 (ada yg dah sek men) lain.. depa tend to compare, esp bila arwah mak depa dulu jenis yg relax je. My fren (not that close to her, cuma colleague) ni militant sikit. SEgala benda dia paksa. I tak tahu lah, tapi kalau i jadi one of the kids, and imagine I am their age, I'll surely resent her badly. Kita yg tengok ni pun rasa satu macam.. Dia paksa budak2 (yg girls) belajar mengait, memsak, menjahit, etc.. I dgn anak sendiri pun tak paksa anak2 i macam tu. Kita tengok minat dia dulu, and their age too. Ni tak.. budak tu baru darjah 6 dia paksa belajar masak. Mmg niat dia baik, tp i rasa dia terlalu ghairah.

Membesarkan anak tiri (yg dah kenal mak dia dulu) bukan senang - macam menarik benang dlm tepung, kena hati22.... ce wah.. siap ada perumpamaan!!! Hahaha!!

Whatever it is, I am sure you are doing fine, and I certainly sure you mena well for them.

MrsNordin said...

Busymum,

Thanks for sharing! I like to listen to other people's stories coz then I know how I'm doing.

With the kids, memang kita kena ajar they all sedikit sebanyak buat kerja rumah. Tapi tak ada lah torture sampai macam tu sekali.

The girls now boleh lah masak serba sedikit (if they wanted to), and they'll do it on special occasions sometimes.

You are right when you said it's like "menarik benang dalam tepung". Have to do it slowly... and kena banyak sabar.

There were times when they say or do something that hurt my feelings, but I'd quickly brush it aside. Don't want to dwell on it for too long coz they probably don't know what they're saying/doing. Being adults, we have to be one yang mengalah.

Ok, you have a nice day now and take care!!!

DeeDee said...

Dear Mrs N,
I have been reading your blog religiously and based on all your stories and how you have been describing your troops, memang i tau you bukan cinderella yang suruh bebudak wipe dust all day long even dust on the dustbin.

Once in a while, you cekup je bebudak besaq tu, cium-cium, gomoi-gomoi. But even without all those aksi, i know they know how much you love them ;)

Jessica said...

Salam Mrs Nordin,
I've been a silent reader and a fan but I wonder how come that "kepochi" lady never comment on all things positive like this entry...from there you know if these people as just plain iri hati / dengki. Very insincere in giving advice.
Jessica

MrsNordin said...

Hi Dee Dee,

What a sweet thing to say. Thank you!



Jessica,

This kind of people likes to pick on the negatives and completely ignore our good deeds. There are people like this... I know some very well. But let it be lah. You take care now and have a nice day!

Kak Long said...

yup not easy....tapi boleh buat. I'm a stepmother to....Insyaallah, niat baik semua jadi baik....cuma part nak manjakan lebih2 dengan sentuhan tu memang sudah sikit apatah lagi nak jentik....anak orang oiii...tambah lagi diorang pernah spend dengan arwah mak diorang....ape pun do the best!

MrsNordin said...

Thanks, K.Long. I wish you the same for you as well. Take care!

aida said...

My parents are divorced and I stay with my mom. Sometimes i wonder how a 'complete' family would be like.

mama cunn said...

Hi Kak Yati,

First time masuk yr blog. I baca entry ni and i nangis teresak2. U mmg seorang yg baik hati. And your kids are lucky to have you as their mum

Kak Yati mmg org yang baik hati semenjak i kenal you. That is why, Allah senantiasa menjaga you and give blessings to you and family. Insyaalah, dgn kebaikan yg you buat sekarang, Allah akan memberi ganjaran yg berganda2 utk you ... insyaallah....take care!!

MrsNordin said...

Aida,

Oh.. I'm sorry to hear about your parents. In any divorce cases, it's the children who will be the most affected. Sigh...

You just hang on there. Perhaps there's a blessing in disguise somewhere.

Take care.

MrsNordin said...

Mama Cunn,

I think I know you!! Haa... haa.. from the way you wrote I could guess who you are! *wink*

Thanks for your kind words. I'm so touched!! Keep on dropping a line or two, that would make my day.

You take care too! Cheers!

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