Friday, January 22, 2010

Letting Go

MrNordin received a call from his second daughter a couple of nights ago, asking if she could go to Langkawi with her friends. Seven of them are going, they plan to rent a car and stay there for a couple of days.

My husband was alarmed. I could see cold sweat forming on his head while he was still on the phone with her. He flashed that WHAT SHOULD I DO?!!” sign to me and I whispered, Say you’ll think about it…”

This is not the first time she seeks permission to go for an outing with her friends. The first time was during fasting month last year, wanting to go to a waterfall in Sg Petani with a few of her friends. That request was met with a straight no.

Waterfall?? Doesn’t she read the newspaper?!!”, screamed my husband.

Even I was against the idea. Nak pegi waterfall during fasting month? Whatever for?!

I spoke to her against the idea and she was freaking mad. I told her our reasons, but she was very adamant about going. After pleading with her (yes, I pleaded. Never before in my life), she decided not to go in the end.

But her parting words to me were, “If like this, I won’t tell Baba wherever I’m going again!” Very harsh.

So that night when she asked again whether or not she can go to Langkawi with her friends, I’ve already had my answer.

I told my husband, “Just let her go. You can’t stop her from going anymore. At least she told us about it...”

Yes, I know. But telling me doesn’t mean I have to agree!”, he argued.

I guess, this is a common dilemma for parents. When children start leaving the nest and wanting to do things on their own, we worry for them, we worry for their safety, we worry for their future. All because we love them.

My husband is very protective of his children. There is no such thing as outings with friends as and when you please, sleepovers and what not. Details must be given whenever they want to go out. If he’s not convinced, you’re not going. Masa sekolah dulu, budak2 ni mana ada peluang nak pegi cuti2 organized by the school or friends. The answer was always “No, if you want to go, I’ll take you there.

But the whole idea was not about going to the place, it’s all about going with the friends, right?

I am quite relaxed when it comes to these things because my parents were not very strict about travelling with friends when I was growing up. I used to go to Pangkor and Langkawi with my A-Level friends dulu. Sometimes I took the bus alone from Ipoh to meet my friends in KL, Kuantan and Terengganu. Sampai ke Kelantan pun ada, sorang2! Hee.. hee…

I know the need to get away with friends and I’m sure my husband does too. It’s just that he worries for their safety more than anything else. “What if something happen to them? I will never forgive myself, you know…”, he keeps on telling me.

I guess my husband should learn to let go. We can’t stop them anymore because they are all so big already. They are ready to venture on their own and do their own things without the parents’ supervision. All we can do is tell them to be careful. And every once in a while, to call us and inform us of their whereabouts so we don’t wonder and worry about them. That’s all we can do at this stage...

As of now, my husband still hasn’t made up his mind. It’s a tough call for him, but I know he will make a wise decision eventually…

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I agree with you Mrs N, waterfall was a bad idea but Langkawi ok kot..maybe Mr N can say yes sometimes and no sometimes.Kalau asyik no je, boring juga the kids. My parents were too protective over me, I could not go anywhere in Malaysia dulu, nak pergi (Tanjung)Georgetown pun cannot. So, bila sampai UK..freedom.., .that wasn't very good of me..but..

Busybody

Kak Ezza@makcik Blogger said...

bj..

kami pun pernah rasa macam you all rasa..lama akak fikir macam mana nak atasi hal macam ni..

1. trust..kena percaya kat budak budak ni..kena belajar main layang layang..bila terlepas jauh..tarik tali nya pelan pelan..

2. anak anak pun perlu di beritau..bila mak bapak dah percaya kan anak anak..jangan cuba betray...kalau mak bapak dah hilang percaya kat anak anak...buruk padah nya...

3 you n mr nordin dah buat segala nya untuk anak anak..baik pelajaran dan hal agama so dont worry laa...kena saling ingat ingat kan budak2 ni...kena selalu nasihat walau pun kadang2 anak ni rimas...kita kan pernah rasa semua ni dulu, kan...

Kalau nak jadi apa pun, tak payah jauh jauh bj, yang duduk depan mata pun boleh terjadi macam macam...

Good luck!

MA said...

Mr Nordin is like me. And I ~ I found out that I am just as overprotective as my father!

*horrors!*


But I am learning to let go as I go along the parenting journey with my Brood, remembering the same path of conflict I had with my own parent ~ about me wanting to break free and have that independence streak and he, being parent feeling that I will always be his little girl that needed to be looked after ~ I stop for a while and try to mediate and look for a common understanding.


Yes - I am starting to let go and at the same time we agree on the need to appease and respect each other needs.


The child to the parent - always call and let the parent know of your whereabouts and your plans ahead in time...


The parent to the child - to chill a bit, and not to call every 20 minutes with a *where are you now??" <--- to which my son told me "stop stalking me!"


hehehe....

Good luck Mr & Mrs N!

MrsNordin said...

Busybody,

Yeah... waterfall was a bad idea. Langkawi is ok lah (coz I've been there too!).

Actually my husband is not all that bad. He allows them to go with their friends, but setakat KL ni je lah. Pegi outstation trip ni is something new for him, so it takes a little bit of getting used to.

Kat UK memang lah tak ada siapa nak control. Pandai2 jaga diri sudah lah, kan?

MrsNordin said...

K.Ezza,

You are right. This has a lot to do about trust.

We were watching "Finding Nemo" the other day, that part where the sea turtle was telling Marlin to trust his kid and let go coz otherwise he will never learn. How very true..

On your no. 2) I setuju sangat. Bila mak bapak dah bagi kepercayaan, jangan ambil kesempatan. Because if you betray the trust, it's hard to regain that trust the second time around.

MrsNordin said...

MA,

Now you know why I said you sama dengan MrN. You have the same thought process. And he follows his mother! Hee.. hee...

Memanglah kita risau nak lepaskan budak2 ni, but we have to learn to trust them. Macam menarik benang dalam tepung, sikit demi sikit.

The thing is, going to Langkawi trip ni is a first for him, so he didn't know how to react. It's always the case. Padahal budak tu sure dah jauh melangkah nya, cuma kita je tak tahu...

I told him that night, "Alah B.. you pun dulu masa kat UK, you pegi merata tempat with your friends. Did you tell your mother? No, but you were ok."

And he said, "I didn't go anywhere in my first year!"

Hee.. hee... nak tergelak I!

DadaIQ said...

BJ
I guess the time has come. Letting go is diffult only the first time. It will get easier. I do let Dini go out with her friends to Berjaya Times, Pavillion or KLCC watching movie or bowling. At least she learnt about being independent, trust and looking after herself. At the same time, she can have fun with her friends.

Remember our trip to Cherating? You drove the car and it was just us! Masa A-Level when we visited you in TKC on our way to PD? Hehehe...(just make sure that she goes with her girlfriends!!)Those were the days and the wonderful memories...

Nabila said...

So she's told u? I'm ok with whatever decision u make. Because i've asked her the usual questions and it seems legitimate. I respect that she had the guts to tell u guys after she spoke to me. She said I wasn't very encouraging. Hehe.

p/s: it's not because i'm jealous ok? ;)

Kak Teh said...

Mrs N, remember when my daughter said she was backpacking in Thailand and then India? Nothing much I could say because she saved up her own money for the travels. I just tracked her down by google earth, internet, skype, phone - everything - everyday!
And of course, doa.
We cant stop them anymore, we just keep track and keep in touch.

Anonymous said...

How's your friend Joanne doing. Hope she is recovering well.

Jim

Cik Puan Kamil said...

Dear Mrs N... when I was like 18, 2 of my friends plus about4 of theirs went to Langkawi for a holiday. Only one came back alive, my 2 friends didn't.

Sometimes, kita worry about their decision making, wether it is a truly informed one or a blind one.

Just pray that your daughter is sensible and knows the dangers about everything before she takes a step further. My friends were caught in a rapid air pasang and drowned. They didn't know that it was time for said air pasang and just plunged on until they were caught in the middle of the ocean.

MrsNordin said...

Dada,

Of course I remember that trip we took! Macam bagus saja, drive pegi Cherating. Ambil gambar tepi laut. Bila malam, mengigau! Hee.. hee...

MrsNordin said...

Nabila,

I guess as much she must have told you about it first. I don't know what Baba will say tho'.

Yes, it's good that she told us. Why be afraid if you're not doing anything wrong?

Take care now and don't worry too much about "whatever"!

MrsNordin said...

Hi K. teh,

Yes, we can't stop them anymore. But they have to let us know wherever they are. That way, we can take comfort knowing that they are ok.

MrsNordin said...

Hi Jim,

She has been discharged last Saturday. I guess she's recuperating at home now. Thanks for asking.

MrsNordin said...

Cik Puan Kamil,

Oh dear... I must not let my husband read your comment! He'll freak out!

I know... it's difficult for us as parents whenever we have to deal with this kind of situation. I do hope she'll be sensible enough and will not do anything stupid.

Sometimes children ni, bila dah ramai2, suka sangat, sampai leka. That's when problem starts.

Thanks for your kind reminder. Will keep that in mind.

Desert Rose said...

*nodding my head.

Very true Mrs N. But as for me , I dont know whether I can say yes when the time comes.

Looking from her perspective, we try to comprehend that well she's no more daddy's lil girl, she needs time to lepak with her friends. But as parents, -sigh-how our daughter will always b our baby girl no matter how old she become..

My dad dulu mcm tulah...nak pergi movies wth my friends pun, I kena buat grand entrance, either bapak or mak yg hantar, kuar movie jgn haraplah nak gi lepak2 bagai, dia dahtunggu dah depan cinema tu hah. I was like, owhhhh what did I do to deserve a treatment mcm first daughter of the nation. But, now being a mom my self baru nak paham.
I guess, u lah yg kena jagi mediator between the two ya???

Good luck.. and I wont b surprised tetiba baca your blog posting from Lngkawi he he.Pengsann la Nadira

MrsNordin said...

Desert Rose,

Hee.. hee... you buat I gelak besar kat office ni! Very cunning! Very cunning...! (but that gives me an idea, actually)

Superwomanwannabe said...

OH MY GAWD>..KIDS!!

1. Jangan BAGI LANGSUNG. Tell her no way hose until you are 40

2. BAGI tapi tell her you are really unhappy abt it and that she is to CALL every 10 minis haha

3. PI IKUT DARIBELAKANG

Ok Im the wrong person to ask hhehehe

MrsNordin said...

SW,

Those are the same answers you'd get from Nordin!! Ha! Ha! You can share the same boat with him!